


Alternate Universe: Part II

by HideTheDecay



Series: Alternate Universe Series [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-24 07:24:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 62,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16635503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HideTheDecay/pseuds/HideTheDecay
Summary: He’d never seen the elf cry and he really wouldn’t have wanted to, not even if this was the elf he hated. To him, it was the elf that he hated. “What don’t you get? I’m not with you. We’re not together. We’ve never been together. I’d rather give myself back to the Circle than be with you. I fucking hate you, so just go back to how you’re supposed to be, hate me back, and leave me alone!”





	1. Chapter 1

It was long past time for Anders to come home. Fenris was used to having to re-heat supper as his lover often had to work late, but seldom was he this late. Deciding it was best to not stand by and wait any longer, the elf grabbed his sword and headed out the door to go meet him at the clinic. When he worked this late, it was usually because some sort of disaster had happened. A very contagious illness that had a flood of people on the clinic’s doorstep, a woman having a lengthy labor, someone barely clinging to life. It was rare, but these things did happen and of course they tended to happen when Anders was trying to close the clinic for the night.

Fenris made his way to the building in Darktown that was Anders’ home away from home and was surprised to see that it was dark and closed up. Not terribly surprising if he had a patient that desperately needed rest, but still unusual. With that in mind, he didn’t knock, but simply tried the handle so he could slip inside and see if there was anything he could do to help Anders. To his surprise, it was locked. Why would he lock the door? Surely Anders would have expected him to come by at some point and offer him a hand, even if it was just to help clean up since he wasn’t much good at anything medicinal. He frowned and knocked at the door, curious what was going on and hoping he wouldn’t be disturbing whatever Anders was working on.

\---

The mage was fast asleep in his cot, the clinic dark and empty. He wasn’t a stranger to knocks in the night, though the people of Darktown were pretty good about not disturbing him at all hours of the night - sometimes it was unavoidable, but they’d learned early on that a tired healer was an unproductive healer and they tried to give him time to rest.

He rarely ignored a knock, but he did sometimes sleep through them and after the nasty scruffle he’d had earlier, he was sapped of energy. He remained curled up on his side, hands tucked under his pillow, lips slightly parted, not so much as shifting.

\---

When no one answered, his frown deepened. Was the clinic empty? That didn’t seem possible, he would have seen Anders on his way over. It was possible his lover had stopped to visit Hawke, but he didn’t think he’d do so without letting him know he would be late. He felt the need to be sure that Anders wasn’t really inside the clinic before he went anywhere else, so he pressed a hand to the door, letting it become ethereal and pass through the wood. He allowed his fingers to materialize somewhat when he began to grope for the lock and when he found it, he opened it and withdrew his hand. He stepped inside, again surprised by just how dark and quiet it was. It didn’t take much investigating to find his lover curled up and asleep on a cot and he rushed to his bedside, his heart jumping up to his throat in alarm. “Anders? Are you alright, Amatus?”

\---

It was a lot more difficult to sleep through a voice beside him and the mage’s eyes cracked open in confusion and irritation, not quite registering the world around him. His brow furrowed and his tired gaze fixed on the elf - there was a beat and then he jerked suddenly, falling off the cot into a heap as he frantically tried to put distance between them.

“What the fuck?!” he demanded, having landed awkwardly on his wrists, but not pausing to register more than the initial pain. He scrambled to his feet, hands crackling threateningly with sparks, backing away from him as he realized that he was really there. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

\---

The reaction surprised him even more and despite the sparks in the mage’s hands, Fenris slowly approached, not thinking for a moment Anders would actually harm him. “You didn’t come home so I came to see if you needed help here. What happened, Amatus? Are you alright?”

\---

“Stay away from me!” In most cases, he wouldn’t risk using his magic. As much as they fought, and did they fight, if he dared to even attempt using his magic there would be no going back. In this case, however, he’d broken into his clinic and tried to attack him while he was sleeping - if there was ever a time to use magic, it was now.

He had no idea what the elf was talking about, but that was low on his list of priorities. “Get out or I will set you on fire.” He would be telling Hawke about this. Tonight.

\---

That made him pause at least, but he didn’t back off from where he stood. “What happened?! Did someone attack you? Are you hurt?” He looked around, as if expecting to see some attacker in the clinic. There simply wasn’t any way Anders would think that he would be here to harm him.

\---

He stared at him incredulously. “Is this some kind of joke?” he spat, not at all amused. He was angry, exhausted, and he didn’t want to be anywhere near this prick. “Get out - Hawke will be hearing about this. You’ve gone way too far and if you don’t get out of my clinic, I’ll make you get out.”

\---

“Hearing about what? What do you think I have done?” Fenris looked terribly concerned and despite the warnings, he moved in closer, reaching out in an attempt to touch him. Clearly something had rattled Anders and he wanted to get to the bottom of it quickly.

\---

As soon as he reached for him, Anders reacted instinctively. He had enough control to not fall back on magic, despite his threats, both visual and verbal, but he did throw a fist at him, aiming right for his nose.

\---

Fenris took the hit hard, having not been braced for it at all, and staggered backwards. He clapped a hand over his nose as the pain settled in, blood running from beneath his fingers. He looked hurt, but not by the punch itself. “...Why would you hit me like that? Please calm down, Amatus. I’m just trying to make sure you’re alright…”

\---

The crunch beneath his knuckles was incredibly satisfying, but he felt no better for it. “Get out!” This time he yelled it, wanting him gone so he could calm down and figure out what to do about this. “If you come near me again, you’re going to regret it.”

\---

“Stop this, please. Just tell me what happened…” Fenris wiped some of the blood away from his face and undaunted by the broken nose, tried moving closer to him again. “Please calm down, Theodoric…” He typically only used his name in very intimate moments between them, but he did also use it on occasion when his lover was very upset.

\---

His eyes went wide, his face ashen. For a moment, his heart stopped and when it started again, it was pounding and he was sick to his stomach. He gawked at him, as if he’d never seen him before, as if what had come out of his mouth was unlike anything he’d ever heard before.

“What did you call me?” he demanded, even though he’d heard him clearly. “How do you know that name?!”

\---

“You told me that…” Fenris said with bewilderment, not sure why he would ask as if he didn’t know. “That is the name your mother gave you, though you didn’t want to tell the templars so you go by the nickname you got from where your father was born. Now why don’t you come home so we can talk about this?”

\---

He still couldn’t believe what he was hearing, but even in his denial, it brought about a wave a panic. “I don’t know what you’re playing at, elf,” The word was snarled with derision, “but I warned you.”

He knew that escalating this was dangerous, but to him, it had already escalated. The electricity returned to his fingers and this time it wasn’t just threat - he let the bolts snap away from them, aimed at his feet. Not a direct attack, but an attempt to get him to move.

\---

The magic startled him enough to move him back a step, but he looked as if he meant to close the distance again quickly. “If you won’t come home, will you at least go to Hawke’s with me? We need to talk…” It seemed Anders felt he’d done something to wrong him and he wanted to get to the bottom of it immediately.

\---

“If you think you’re going to turn this around on me, you’re mistaken.” Hawke never liked taking sides between them, but in coming here like this, he’d gone way too far and he was going to make sure that the rogue knew it. “I’m going to Hawke’s - alone - as soon as you get out of my clinic.”

\---

“I really think we need to talk about this together.” He moved away, but rather than go out the door, he went to a basin and spat a mouthful of blood that had trickled down from his broken nose. “Please, Theodoric. Let’s go, before this gets any more out of hand.”

\---

“Don’t call me that!” he yelled, the name working him up. He didn’t know how he knew it, how he knew all about it, but it rubbed him raw to hear it from the lips of someone he loathed. “Leave me alone!” His voice reached a point that it hadn’t yet, all but shrieking at the elf.

\---

“Please…” Fenris moved closer again and though he didn’t reach out to touch him, he offered his hand. “Come with me. I don’t know what hurt you, but we’ll figure this out together. I love you…”

\---

He was baffled, but no less defensive. As soon as he reached out, the mage perceived a threat and in the blink of an eye, a burst of energy threw the warrior away from him and, expecting retaliation, he took off for the door, bolting as quickly as he could. The warrior was faster than he was, but if he got a head start, he could probably lose him.

\---

He gasped as the force knocked him back and by the time he regained himself, Anders was out the door. “Wait!” He cried and raced out into the night. He could only hope that the mage was going to Hawke’s so when he didn’t immediately spot Anders outside, he rushed for the rogue’s mansion in hopes of meeting him there.

\---

When Anders reached the door of the mansion, he began to bang on the door frantically. He glanced behind him, heart in his throat, as if expecting to see the warrior turning a corner. That he wasn’t was a small relief, but he continued to bang on the door, “Hawke, let me in!”

\---

Hawke was in his house robe, a glass of wine in hand, waiting for his woman when he heard the frantic knock at the door. He frowned and put his drink down, but didn’t really rush until he heard the shout for him. He raced to the door and pulled it open, his face set in determination as he met Anders’ gaze. “What’s going on?!” He asked, tugging the mage inside and looking behind him to the street, half expecting to see Templars on his tail.

\---

As soon as he was inside, he shoved the door shut and locked it, backing away from it and trying to calm down, but failing. He was as safe as he could be here, but his space had been violated and he didn’t want to know what would’ve happened if he hadn’t woken up. “Hawke, I know you don’t like hearing about it, but this had gone too far.”

He turned to him, still pale from before and out of breath. “I know I pissed him off earlier, but Fenris broke into my clinic and tried to attack me while I was asleep.”

\---

Nothing about the panicked rambling made any sense and Hawke frowned, taking him by the arm and trying to shepherd him to the living room where they could sit down. “Hey, hey, slow down. Just try to catch your breath, okay?” He had a lot of questions, but first he wanted him to calm down a bit.

\---

Again, he couldn’t help but glance behind them, as if expecting him to appear. “I’m serious, Hawke, he went too far. I told you that he’s a rabid dog, didn’t I? I told you.” He shook his head, never having imagined that the elf would go so far, but not at all surprised in hindsight. “I can’t stay in the clinic, not while he’s in Kirkwall.” It was only as caught his breath that he realized he was shaking. “I know you don’t want to take sides, but this is beyond taking sides - you can’t keep him around if he’s going to try to kill me in my sleep.”

\---

“What are you talking about? Why were you sleeping in the clinic?” Anders was still clearly worked up, but he didn’t think there would be any way to calm him down any time soon so he wasn’t going to wait around for him to settle. “Did you have an argument with Fenris or something? We both know he wouldn’t try to hurt you…” There was a knock at the door but he paid it little mind right now, needing answers first.

\---

Again, he was baffled, but before he could respond, the knocking worked him back up. “Hawke, that’s him. You can’t let him in, you can’t.” He was panicking, backing away from the foyer and closer to the stairs that lead up to the rogue’s bedroom. “We can’t play this game anymore, you have to choose. Me or him - but if you choose him, I’m leaving.” He wasn’t going to risk his safety to stick around a mage hating bigot.

\---

“What are you talking about?!” He asked again, a little more worked up himself now. “I’m not choosing anyone. We’re going to sit down and we’re going to talk about this. That’s probably Isabela, I was expecting her when you came by.”

\---

“No, it’s not. It’s Fenris, don’t you open that door, Hawke.” He continued to back away, so he was at the base of the stairs, clutching at the railing. “Tell him you want him gone or I’m gone.”

He knew that the rogue wouldn’t just take his word for it, but he couldn’t stay impartial about this.

\---

“I’m not doing anything until we talk about this and everyone calms down.” Hawke was beginning to sound exasperated as he went to the door. “If it’s Fenris and I tell him to go home, will you at least sit down and talk to me?”

\---

“Maker, Hawke, you’ve never taken me seriously about him. He tries to kill me in my sleep and you still won’t take me seriously.” He took a few steps up the stairs, the flight response strengthening more and more. “Fine, convince him that I’m not here, but that isn’t the end of it.” He wasn’t going to let Hawke dismiss him as the pair of them needing to sleep it off.

\---

He hadn’t the slightest clue what Anders was talking about, but he wasn’t going to ask about it now, not with the knocking growing more insistent. He went to the door and when he opened it, he found an equally panicked and very bloody Fenris on the other side.

“Hawke, is he here? Please, I need to talk to him. Something happened and I need to see if he’s alright…” The elf was already pushing past him, but the rogue got in his way.

“Fenris, I need you to go home. I’m trying to figure this out, but I can’t if you’re here. I’ll come talk to you later, but right now, I just need you to go.” Hawke said firmly and was more than a little surprised when Fenris gave him a shove.

“You don’t understand! Something happened and Anders is not okay! I need to see him!” Fenris stormed into the foyer and Hawke had to move quickly to get in front of him and shove him back to the door.

“Not now! I don’t know what the fuck happened, but you need to go!” The rogue was getting as worked up as the rest of them at this point and when Fenris made another move to get inside, Hawke pushed him hard enough to send him sprawling outside. “Go home, Fenris!” He slammed the door and locked it then, expecting to have to hold it shut if the warrior would try to force his way in. But he heard the other start to move away and with a relieved sigh, he headed for the stairs to collect the mage.

\---

Hearing that the elf was forcing his way inside, he was thrown into a panic and he hurried up the stairs to the rogue’s bedroom. He put a barrier on the door, barring entrance, but that wasn’t enough. He threw open his window, looked down to the ground a story down. Though it wasn’t a terribly long drop, he didn’t want to risk it, so he went to the bed and threw the aside the blanket so he could rip off the sheets and start fashioning a rope.

\---

Hawke went up the stairs and looked around in confusion, finding his bedroom door was closed. He went to it and sighed when he tried the handle and found that the door was immovable. “Anders, he’s gone. Will you come out now?”

\---

He was in the middle of tying his makeshift rope to the leg of the desk beside the window when the rattling door knob made him jump. He was about ready to throw himself out the window when the voice brought him to pause. He hesitated, staring at the door, not sure if he believed him, but not knowing him to be dishonest, especially when things were so dire. Eventually, the barrier fell, allowing him entrance, though he remained near the window, clutching his ‘rope’.

\---

Hawke stepped inside as soon as the barrier fell away and in any other circumstance, he would have laughed at the sight of Anders and his escape plan. “...So, can we talk now? Downstairs, preferably?”

\---

“...Is he really gone?” Or was this some plan of his? Again, he didn’t know him to be dishonest, but all of this was so bizarre that he didn’t know what to think.

\---

“Yes. I even listened by the door after I locked him out to make sure he was going.” The rogue rarely sounded this exasperated and he gestured for Anders to come out into the hallway. “Now come on. Let’s go sit down, calm down, and discuss this.”

\---

The exasperation was nothing new, so he didn’t put any thought into it. “Fine, but I’m not changing my mind.” He dropped the ‘rope’ and made his to the living room, sitting down on the couch, tense and looking around as if expecting the warrior to pop out.

\---

Hawke moved to sit down with him and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to make sure he was in a patient enough mindset before asking any questions. “Alright. So let’s start from the top. Why were you sleeping at the clinic tonight?”

\---

Right away, the question was irritating. “This isn’t a joke, Hawke. Why do you think I was sleeping at the clinic? That’s where I sleep!” He knew this. It wasn’t as if they were particularly close, but the rogue knew enough about him to now that was where he stayed. He didn’t have a separate place to go ‘home’ to.

\---

“Since when? Did you break up and not tell me? You seemed fine earlier today…” Hawke looked terribly confused, but none of his usual humor was in his eyes. It was clear that he didn’t think this was any sort of joke either.

\---

“Break up? Break up with who? What are you talking about?” He sounded just as exasperated, indignant even, not understanding why this was so difficult. He didn’t get why everyone was acting so strangely, but it was beginning to upset him.

\---

“...Anders?” Some of his impatience turned to concern then and his eyes started to roam him. “Did you get hurt earlier today? Maybe hit your head or something? Do you feel okay?” He sounded genuinely worried that he’d missed something and perhaps the healer was hurt.

\---

He snorted at that, certain that he was fucking with him. He had to be. Even if all he could read on him was concern, he was fucking with his head. “Yeah, I hit my head on Fenris’ fist, if you didn’t remember.” He shook his head to himself, steadily reaching the conclusion that this wasn’t going to work. Short of murdering the elf, he wasn’t safe here.

…That was a thought, but he knew no one would ever forgive him for it.

\---

“Fenris wouldn’t hit you, Anders. We both know that. Is that what happened today? You think he hit you so you decided to sleep at your clinic and got upset that he came to find you?” Hawke leaned in a little, as if searching closely for any sign of the scuffle that supposedly happened despite Anders being a healer.

\---

He stared at him, not even knowing what to say to that. “Think he hit me?” He rose to his feet, still shaking his head, but this time in disbelief. “He hits me all of the time! You know he does, you had to break us up this morning - you don’t remember that? Him overreacting to that stupid joke and punching me in the face? Like always?”

\---

“...Are you sure you’re okay? You’re not making any sense.” Hawke stood as well, a deep frown on his lips. “I have never had to split up a fight between you. Not even years ago when you didn’t like each other, but now you’re acting like the man you love is trying to kill you.”

\---

At that, Anders didn’t move. He didn’t react at all, just staring at him in silence. It seemed like this was a joke, but it was quite plain that it wasn’t. He was playing this far too seriously and, even more disconcerting, it lined up with what Fenris had said before, though he hadn’t even begun to deconstruct any of that.

\---

“Maybe you should sit down…” Something was very wrong and he didn’t want the mage passing out on him. Or worse, running off into the night. “Something happened, but we’ll get it all straightened out.”

\---

He did as was suggested, sitting down, but he remained on the edge of the couch. “Something happened,” he agreed, “I do not love Fenris.” The word was filled with repulsion. “I fucking hate that bigoted asshole.”

\---

“Did he say something to upset you?” Hawke relaxed a little when he was seated and eased down as well. “As far as I knew, you two were still perfectly happy together. He hasn’t been a ‘bigoted asshole’ for years now, not since you explained to him what the Circle was like…”

\---

“Hawke, what aren’t you getting? I hate him, he hates me, we hate each other, we always have. We get into fistfists weekly.” That was an exaggeration, but it wasn’t all that far from the truth. At least once a month, if not more from time to time, they ended up a tangled pile of limbs and blood. “We got into a fistfist today and you had to pull us away from each other, you’re telling me that you don’t remember that?”

\---

“No, Anders. I don’t remember ever breaking up a fight between you. Especially not today. You kissed him before you left today. You two usually don’t do that in front of everyone, but you were worried about him. You thought he’d been hit by some spell you didn’t recognize and you wanted to stay with him to be sure he was alright. He didn’t want to keep your patients waiting so you kissed him and told him you’d check him over tonight…”

\---

He remember the bit about the spell, but he hadn’t cared. He’d gotten hurt in the blast and while the mage had given him a cursory glance to see if he needed to intervene (with reluctance, as always), it had pleased him to see him take such a hit, especially with magic. He wasn’t really a vindictive person, not anymore anyway, but with him he couldn’t help but feel satisfaction whenever the elf got a taste of what he so feared - feared to the point of being an asshole to him from the moment they met.

“Hawke, if this is a joke…” He found it hard to believe he would be able to draw out a joke, especially a shitty joke, for so long, but he didn’t know what else to think. “Did you convince him this would be funny?”

\---

“No one thinks any of this is funny. He tried to force his way into my house because he’s so worried about you. He looked like shit too, I think his nose is broken. I’m worried too, Anders.” He shook his head, wishing this made any sense. There was another knock at the door with none of the urgency from before and he sighed. “That’s ‘Bela. If I go get the door, will you stay here? You know I’m not going to let him into the house if it’s him.”

\---

His head shot up in alarm and he looked to the foyer. “I’ll go upstairs.” He wanted to go back to the bedroom where he already had an escape route planned. If it was Isabela, no big deal, if it was Fenris, he was going to leave.

\---

“Just don’t jump out the window, okay? I’ll have her shout up there when she comes in so you know it’s her.” He was already up and headed for the door, hoping that the mage wasn’t really going to try to repel down from his bedroom with his sheets.

\---

He didn’t bother to respond, already heading up the stairs and shutting himself into Hawke’s bedroom. He didn’t go straight to the window, wanting to press his ear to the door and listen for anything there was to hear, though he was poised to bolt any moment.

\---

When Hawke opened the door, he breathed a huge sigh of relief to see his pirate standing there with a smirk on her lips. “Hey, come in. Something weird is going on, we’re going to need your help.”

The sober greeting made Isabela’s smile falter a little and she cocked her head. “I have a feeling it’s not a fun weird thing going on.” She stepped inside and raised a brow when Hawke was quick to shut the door behind her.

“Not a fun weird at all. Will you shout up to Anders and let him know you’re here alone?”

Isabela looked entirely bemused but she raised her voice. “It’s just me, Handsome!”

\---

At that, the mage relaxed, opening the door slowly and peeking out. He made his way to the balcony and looked down at the pair standing near the door. Seeing that it was only her, he made his way back down stairs, his arms folding.

\---

“Where’s your other half?” Isabela called up after she’d watched behind him for Fenris for a beat. Hawke sighed and shook his head. “That’s the weird thing going on. Why don’t we all go sit down and talk about this until it starts making sense to at least one of us.

\---

The fold of his arms tightened and he scowled. “You too?” If it wasn’t for Hawke being so grave, he would’ve stormed out right there. “I don’t have an ‘other half’, stop calling him that.” Of course, if they weren’t fucking with him, Isabela probably had no idea what he was talking about, but he was getting increasingly worked up by all of this.

\---

Isabela looked as if she was about to ask another question and Hawke gave her a nudge. “Not now, we’ll catch you up on that. Right now, I want everyone to go sit down. No one is going to get hurt tonight and we’re going to stay calm and figure this out.” Clearly Fenris had gotten hurt, but he knew Anders was not concerned about that for the moment.

\----

He huffed and sat back down, his eyes nothing in particular. “I don’t know what else there is to say, Hawke.” Something was wrong, though, if he was being completely honest with him, something was alarmingly wrong.

\---

“I don’t either. It might be easier if we had Fenris here to talk this out with as well, but I don’t think tonight is the best time to try that, so we’ll put our heads together and figure this out between the three of us.” Hawke said as he took his seat and let Isabela drop down beside him. “So you think Fenris broke into the clinic tonight to kill you. Did he say that? Or have a weapon drawn or strike you?”

\---

“No, I woke up with him just… there.” That alone was all the threat needed.  You’re forgetting Hawke, in more ways than one, that he struck me earlier. He was pissed, he attacked me, as he often does, and so yeah, he didn’t have to say much of anything - breaking into my clinic says enough.”

\---

“Did you see them fight earlier?” Hawke asked Isabela, who looked completely shocked. “Anders says Fenris attacked him and that I pulled them apart. Then Fenris broke into his clinic tonight to kill him.”

Isabela looked at Anders for a hard moment, looking for anything to suggest this was some kind of joke. “...A fight? No, I was there when you parted ways after the mission. You kissed him and he said he’d see you tonight. My guess is he got worried when you didn’t come in and broke into the clinic to check on you…”

\---

The suggestion was so ridiculous, so absurd that he didn’t even want to acknowledge it, but here they were. “Either you guys are messing with me or something is wrong with you. With all of you.” He didn’t really think they were messing with him at this point, not with how sincere they seemed, but it was the only explanation he could come up with.

\---

“We wouldn’t mess around with something like this. I think something happened during the fight today that made you think you’re not with Fenris. Maybe some kind of spell or blow to the head or something.” Hawke said, scratching his beard thoughtfully. “Do you want to try going back to the mansion tonight? We could at least collect your things if you’d rather sleep here for a night or two until we figure this out.”

\---

“No,” he denied, not willing to entertain the thought. “I hate him, he hates me, that’s how it is. That’s how it’s always been and that’s how it’ll always be. He broke into my clinic and tried to attack me - I’m not going anywhere near him.” Nothing happened to him and he didn’t even want to consider it. “It’s just as likely - more likely, even - that you guys got hit with some spell. Fenris did, maybe that’s why he’s gone insane.”

\---

“I don’t think I got hit with any spell today. Neither did Isabela.” He looked to Isabela who frowned and shook her head. “What if we ask Varric? He was’t even there so there’s no way he got hit by the spell. He could tell us if he knows anything about you two hating each other.”n

\---

“Or maybe the spell had nothing to do with it.” He retorted impatiently. “I don’t know what is going on, but if something’s wrong, I’ll figure out what it is. In the meantime, I want that elf to stay away from me.” He didn’t trust him and that wasn’t going to change any time soon. “If he tries to come after me, I will burn him alive.”

\---

“Hey now, Handsome. No one is getting burned alive.” Isabela said patiently as Hawke pinched the bridge of his nose again. “I’m sure he’s going to try to get to you again to see if you’re alright. He’s got to be worried sick about you. So why don’t you just stay with us for tonight at least so we can discuss this tomorrow without you setting anyone on fire?”

\---

“If he’s that ‘worried’ about me, tell him that the only thing I want is for him to leave me alone and go away.” He rose to his feet, really not all that comfortable with staying anywhere in Kirkwall after earlier, but knowing that Hawke’s place as safer than most. “Where do you want me to stay?”

\---

“There are lots of guest rooms, you can just pick one. We’ll sleep down here tonight so we’ll hear him if he comes back.” Hawke didn’t doubt that he’d be back. But he could hope that he could intercept him quickly enough that Anders wouldn’t climb out the window at least.

\---

“Fine.” It did make him feel better, though his mood was still foul. He made his way to the first bedroom he knew of, shutting himself inside and locking the door. That wasn’t enough, so he threw up a barrier on the door as well as the window before crawling into the bed. There was a lot on his mind and it took him a long time to fall asleep, but eventually he did nod off restlessly.

\---

Fenris had gone to the clinic first after he’d been dismissed, looking for any hint as to what might have happened. There was nothing to find, so instead he just bandaged his broken nose with the supplies on hand and then cleaned up the mess their scuffle had made. He went back home then, hoping against hope that Anders would be there, but of course he was not. With a heavy heart, he returned to Hawke’s mansion and knocked on the door. He was greeted by the weary rogue, but not allowed inside. “He is convinced that you two hate each other and that you attacked him earlier today. I don’t know what it’s going to take to convince him to talk to you, but it’s not going to happen tonight. He said if you come near him, he’s going to burn you alive.”

“He wouldn’t. He’d never hurt me.” Fenris insisted, though there wasn’t much commitment in his tone. He had, after all, been attacked with both fists and magic that evening.

“Go home, Fenris. We’ll try to find some solution in the morning.” Hawke told him firmly. It took a lot more convincing to get the elf to actually go home and though he didn’t see it, Hawke could hear hitching in the warrior’s breathing as he walked away, as if he was weeping. It was too strange to deal with any more in one night, so he locked up the house again and went back to sleep on the couch beside the pirate.


	2. Chapter 2

The early hours of the morning were spent in thought, the mage laying in the bed he’d claimed for the night. The more he thought about it, the more disconcerting all of this became - if nothing else, Justice agreed with all he was saying and approved of his actions, especially those regarding the warrior.

Better safe than sorry.

Knowing that he couldn’t figure this out alone, he got up, straightened himself up, and then headed out of the bedroom to look for the rogue. He wasn’t sure if he was even here, though he’d be pretty upset if he’d been left here alone. It took a little searching to find him, but when he came across him in the library, he approached him in a way that was considerably more calm than he’d been all of last night.

\---

“Morning.” Hawke greeted him casually, looking up from the book he’d been skimming. He looked very tired as if he hadn’t slept much at all. “You look better today. Do you...remember things any differently than you did last night?”

\---

“Morning.” He leaned into the wall next to the desk, looking him over. “No, I don’t and I take it you don’t either.” Or he wouldn’t have asked him that. He folded his arms, sighing softly, “I don’t know what this is, Hawke, but… we can agree that something happened.”

\---

“Something definitely did.” He closed the book and set it aside. “Isabela went out to talk to the others to see if they have any idea what happened. The fact that you came here for help last night makes me think that you don’t seem to see me or Isabela any differently than usual. It just seems like you think Fenris is someone else entirely.”

\---

“I’m not making this up, Hawke. I don’t think he’s someone else, he is someone else. I’ve been at ends with him ever since I met him and quite honestly, it was coming to a point where one of us was going to kill the other, so it’s really no surprise that he came after me like he did.” In hindsight, it was as obvious as could be.

\---

“I don’t think you’re making this up, but I think you’re very confused. I don’t know how you could possibly think Fenris would want to kill you, not after the years you’ve spent together. He came back last night, Anders.” He sighed heavily and ran a hand down his face. “He was so desperate to see if you were alright. When I told him you’d kill him if he tried, he wanted to go in anyway because he doesn’t think you would ever hurt him. It wasn’t until I convinced him that he was the very last person you want to see right now that he left and...he was weeping over you when he went. I know that probably sounds ridiculous to you, but that’s the Fenris we all know. He’s crazy about you.”

\---

“How, Hawke? How am I that confused? Even if you’re right, even if I’m crazy, how? I didn’t just bump my head and make up the last three years. I wasn’t struck with any magic and even if I was, there isn’t any kind of magic that creates memories like that.” At least that he’d ever heard of, but he couldn’t help but feel incredulous, especially with Justice backing him up.

\---

“I have no idea. I don’t know what could have caused this.” Hawke was genuinely at a loss for what could have happened. “...But it’s not such a bad thing, right? This life-threatening foe you thought you had doesn’t exist. Fenris would set himself on fire before he’d even think about harming you.”

\---

“The black eye that I had to heal yesterday begs to differ.” He wished that he hadn’t healed it, just to have proof that he’d been struck. He couldn’t help but be petty - he’d long since lost any proper sense of maturity in regards to the elf. “Look, I-...” He wasn’t sure what to say and after a moment, he sighed and continued. “I know this isn’t right and it worries me. I’m going to try to figure out what’s going on. I want to know why we remember things differently and why I’m the only one that remembers things the way I do.”

\---

“I’m worried too. We need to get to the bottom of this before anything else changes in anyone’s mind.” He said firmly, his brow creased with concern. “But there was no black eye yesterday, Anders. There was no fight and I definitely didn’t break it up. Why don’t we try talking to Fenris? I’ll be here to break up any fight if there is one. But I’m serious - if you doubt him, you can ask him to set himself on fire for you. Just make sure we have water on hand to put him out quickly.” It was ridiculous, but it might take something extreme to convince Anders he was in no danger.

\---

“Even if you’re right, I don’t have anything to say to him, Hawke. I don’t need to talk to him to figure this out.” If it were anyone else, he would probably be singing a different tune, but what did it matter that Fenris was the subject of these inconsistencies? He didn’t think the elf had done anything to trigger all of this, so they needn’t interact at all to fix it.

\---

“He’s the only thing that you seem to remember differently as far as we can tell right now. I think you need to interact with him to figure this out.” The rogue was trying to be patient, but he knew it was going to take some convincing to get them in the same room. “He’s clearly not who you think he is. Think of it like meeting a stranger.”

\---

“I don’t think you understand how much I hate his guts.” He normally wasn’t this adverse to being around him, putting up with it whenever they had to and even taking some enjoyment in being able rile him and take out whatever frustrations he might have on him. After last night, though, he wanted nothing to do with him. “According to you, it’s not a stranger at all, it’s someone that won’t leave me the hell alone because he believes some impossible insanity.”

\---

“It’s someone that you’re madly in love with, actually.” The exasperation from the night before was starting to come back, but he quickly reigned it in. “So no, I don’t understand how much you hate his guts. But this definitely isn’t the kind of person you think he is, so maybe you won’t hate his guts if you talk to him and see who he really is.”

\---

He scowled, but wasn’t interested in continuing to argue about this. “If you’re right, then I’ll deal with it when it comes to it. Right now, I’m going to exhaust every alternative, if you don’t mind, so I should get going to start trying to figure this out.”

\---

“Fine. Just don’t do anything rash, okay? Don’t take off and try not to hurt him again if you can help it. If there’s any problem, just come back here and I’ll help sort it out.” He waved a hand dismissively. “I’ll see if Isabela learned anything from the others when she gets back.”

\---

“Fine,” he repeated, before starting out. At the door, he paused, giving a huff to himself. “Thanks for the help, Hawke.” He didn’t want to stick around for what his response would be, so he strode out, taking the long way to Darktown in order to avoid the decrepit mansion.

\---

It was later in the afternoon that a very distraught elf made his way back to Anders’ clinic. He’d done a shoddy job bandaging himself so his nose was a bit of a disaster, but it was the least of his concerns. He was hoping to find the clinic open, but when it wasn’t, Fenris began to knock at the door. He would be sent away, he already knew, but he had to at least try to figure out what had upset his lover so much.

\---

Anders sighed at the knock, but didn’t hesitate to get up. He’d had a busy morning, locating some of the mages he knew around Kirkwall and talking to them about what had happened. Now he was sitting at his desk with several books open in front of him, trying to read up on any kind of magic that had the effects he was suffering from or, as he much preferred, that everyone else was suffering from.

There’d been a couple of knocks since he’d settled in and he’d opened the door each time, helping whoever was on the other side and shutting it behind them. The clinic wasn’t open, but if people needed him, he wouldn’t turn them away - they came to him for a reason and it helped to alleviate his guilt from being there without working.

When he opened the door this time, however, his eyes widened and he paled, the door slamming shut as quickly as he’d opened it.

\---

“Anders…” Fenris frowned deeply when the door was slammed in his face and he dropped his forehead against it, his palm coming to rest on the handle. “Anders, please. I don’t know what you think I did so can we at least talk? I made lunch for you. Your favorite, that pork pie I make with all the vegetables.”

\---

He locked the door and, like before, threw a barrier on it. He was so alarmed that his surprise wasn’t apparent, though it took him aback greatly to hear what he had to say about ‘lunch’.

“Will you just leave me alone?” he demanded, grabbing his staff and holding it tightly.

\---

“I can’t. I know you don’t want to see me, but I can’t fix this if you don’t tell me what I did wrong.” He sounded distraught, but didn’t try to push his way inside. “If you won’t come home, can I at least bring you lunch? It would still be warm when I got it here…”

\---

There was a long pause and then the door opened, but the barrier remained in place, a visible force field that kept them separated. The mage looked wary and he kept his staff held in front of him, but he felt like he needed to see this… bizarre elf as he addressed him.

“I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m not him, so leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you, Fenris. Go away, stay away, and if you have to contact me, go through Hawke.”

\---

For a moment, the elf looked hopeful when he saw him. But the words made the color fade from his face and his eyes grew glassy. “You’re everything to me, Anders. You’re the only light in my life. I don’t know what I did to upset you so much, but I’ll do anything to fix it.”

\---

It was disturbing to see his reaction and hear what he had to say and he felt incredibly uncomfortable. He was seeing for himself what Hawke had claimed and, if anything, it made it all the more difficult to swallow. “You’re you, Fenris, that’s what you did. I am not with you, I don’t love you, and you sure as hell don’t love me, so get over it, okay?”

\---

“How-...how can you say that? Even if you’re angry, how can you…?” He looked as if the other had punched him in the gut and a couple stray tears rolled down his cheeks as he looked up to him. “You know I love you. You know I do. Please, just tell me what happened. Please!” He was growing increasingly distraught, never imagining that the mage could possibly hurt him like this.

\---

Normally, and he wouldn’t admit it aloud, hurting the elf gave him a rush of satisfaction. Be with his words or with his fists, he liked to take his frustration out on him - this was not satisfying at all. He’d never seen the elf cry and he really wouldn’t have wanted to, not even if this was the elf he hated. To him, it was the elf that he hated.

“What don’t you get? I’m not with you. We’re not together. We’ve never been together. I’d rather give myself back to the Circle than be with you. I fucking hate you, so just go back to how you’re supposed to be, hate me back, and leave me alone!”

\---

“We have been. You’ve lived with me for a year, Anders, how can you say we’ve never been together?! After all the nights we’ve spent together, all the things we’ve shared with each other?! Like your name. You’ve never told anyone else about your real name…” He moved a hand to rest on the barrier Anders had made, though he didn’t apply any force, knowing he’d be pushed back if he did. “We’ve been so happy together, it’s all been perfect until you didn’t come home last night…”

\---

“Don’t,” he snapped, getting riled at the mention of the name that he shouldn’t have known. “I don’t know how… No. No.” He couldn’t accept that there was some truth in this, in any of this, even with the elf breaking down in front of him. He had a thought of his own on how to fix this and, after a beat in which his heart filled his apprehension and fear, he let the barrier drop along with his staff.

With nothing but his fists, he launched himself at him, thinking that he would react as he always did and they could just wail on each other until this was over.

\---

He could read the aggression in his movements, but Fenris really didn’t mind taking another hit from him if it meant he could touch him for a moment. Rather than take any sort of defensive measures, he moved right into him and wrapped his arms around the healer, embracing him tightly. “Please…” He begged him in a soft sob, though he wasn’t sure what he was begging for at this point if the other was convinced that they hated each other.

\---

Before he could get a proper swing in, his arms wrapped around him in a way that he wasn’t expecting and his forward momentum meant that he ended up falling against him. As soon as his feet got enough grip on the ground to start to leaning back the other way, he did so, his hands suddenly pushing at him.

\---

The elf clung tightly, hoping that somehow keeping this hold would help snap Anders out of whatever this was. “I’m not going to fight you. Please, just be still, it’s okay…” He murmured between hitching breaths and let lyrium light up his skin, hoping the song would soothe him.

\---

He gasped, the lyrium making him still for a long moment, then he lifted a hand and struck him across the cheek with an open palm. “Get off of me! What is wrong with you? What are you doing to me?!” It didn’t feel bad - quite the opposite - but everything about this was disconcerting.

\---

The stillness gave him another flicker of hope, but the hit jostled him nearly enough to make him let go of the mage. “You know what this is. The song of the lyrium in me. It might help you feel better, help you remember…”

\---

He didn’t know what to say to that and he tried to pull back more, becoming increasingly agitated. To the point that he flickered a little, the spirit threatening to emerge. “Will you stop it?!” he demanded, but a lot of the anger was gone from his voice, leaving behind an upset that was closer to distress than anything else.

\---

It seemed to be making things worse and with a great reluctance, Fenris finally let go of him. “No. I won’t stop. Not until you remember. Not until you tell me what I did wrong. We love each other, Amatus…”

\---

As soon as he was released, he quickly put space between them, going so far as to step back into the clinic so that the threshold was separating him, though this time he didn’t bother with the barrier. He was worked up, but along with it was the reluctant acceptance that as things were, the warrior truly wasn’t a threat to him.

“I get it, Fenris, you think we love each other. We don’t! Or… you know what? I don’t. I don’t love you, okay? I don’t know what you’re talking about and I don’t love you. I’m going to figure this out, put everything back to normal, and we can go back to hating each other’s guts, okay?”

He far preferred it when the warrior was trying to punch him in return, even though the entire reason he’d come to hate him so much was that he was an asshole about mages and, more specifically, was an huge asshole to him about mages.

\---

“That’s not normal. That has never been normal.” Such a submissive gesture would normally make his skin crawl, but this was the love of his life and when the mage stepped back into the clinic and he felt certain that the door was about to be slammed in his face again, he dropped to his knees. “Whatever happened, I can make it up to you. Please, just give me a chance! We could start with lunch, I made your favorite. I can make that herbal tea you like so much...please…”

\---

His eyes widened and he stared at him, his stomach squirming uncomfortably. He didn’t like seeing him like this - in all of the ways he’d imagined dominating him, he’d never imagined anything like this. “Maker, Fenris, have some self-respect.” It was hard not to be freaked out, but seeing him present himself like that, the building adrenaline began to ebb.

\---

“Please…” Self-respect didn’t factor into this. He wanted Anders to see he would do anything for him and this was only the beginning of the lengths he would go to even be given a chance to fix this. “Let me make this up to you. I can make you happy again, just like we were…”

\---

“I’m a mage.” He insisted, trying to get it through his thick skull. His frustratingly thick skull that was nigh impenetrable. “An abomination. A ‘blood mage’ as you so love to call me.” He spat the title harshly, certain that the reason he called him that at all was because he knew it pissed him off. “Stop acting like the slave you are.” He was being just as intentional in his choice of wording, knowing that saying such a thing to him, to the ‘him’ that he knew, would set him off.

\---

Again, he looked like he’d been struck. “I would never call you that and you would never call me that. You showed me that your magic isn’t dangerous. Justice is my friend. Why do you think I would call you such things?” He reached for him, asking for an invitation to touch him since he was too far away to do so where he was kneeling. “Please, let me give you more lyrium. You’ll feel better…” Typically anything that was upsetting the mage could be soothed at least a little by the lyrium in his skin.

\---

The spirit within him had been reflecting all of his emotions, completely in sync with him about all of this, but at the suggestion that the elf considered him a friend, Anders felt a welling of bewilderment that went beyond his own. He was beginning to wish that he’d taken Hawke up on his offer - he didn’t know what to do with the elf behaving like this and he could use an intervention.

As if summoned by the thought, a man approached them, disconcerted by what he was seeing, but clutching a cloth wrapped around his hand tightly. “Um, Healer? I need your help…”

\---

At that, Fenris’ heart fell. He was about to be dismissed. He rose slowly to his feet and looked from the man to Anders. “I can help. You’ve shown me how to work in the clinic to help you. Please…” He knew he would say no, but he had to try.

\---

The interruption was a relief. “Go home, Fenris.” He turned his attention to the man and gestured him to come inside. The man, clearly uncomfortable, started towards the door, trying to slip past the elf. “Sorry, Fenris.” He didn’t know what was going on between them and he hadn’t meant to interrupt, but he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t need the help.

That made Anders pause and he glanced between them, not sure what to make of the familiarity, but he didn’t want to address it - it would just make the warrior stick around all the longer.

\---

“Tell him what you normally see when we’re together, please. Anything you can remember about any time you’ve seen us.” Fenris said urgently as the man passed him. This wasn’t someone either of them were especially familiar with, but maybe that would convince Anders all the more if he told him they were together.

\---

“Uh, what?” he asked, confused by the request. He looked between them and saw the mage shaking his head. “Ignore him, he’s gone insane,” he interjected, continuing to gesture him in, wanting to shut the door behind him. 

“It’s just my hand, you can heal it real quick, if you want, and then I can go so you guys can talk, or whatever.” He really didn’t want to be in the middle of this. He started to unwrap it for him, not actually moving inside, just wanting to get it done and over with so he could head back to work.

“No, no, don’t worry about him, come inside,” he insisted even as he saw the slice in his hand, knowing that it wouldn’t take more than few seconds to fix.

\---

“He thinks we hate each other, he thinks we always have.” Fenris insisted, tears still rolling slowly down his cheeks. “Tell him what you’ve seen. Please, anything you can remember…”

\---

The man’s brow furrowed. “Aren’t you guys like...together?” He sounded a little sheepish as he said this, as if he’d gotten it wrong. He held out his bleeding hand towards the mage, glancing between them uncertainty. Anders, for his part, managed to keep his frustration reigned in, the only sign of it being in the way he healed the hand suddenly and out of nowhere.

The man was relieved, flexing his hand as he looked at it this way and that, relieved to find it as good as new. As always. “Thanks, Healer.” He sounded very genuine in his gratitude, but as his eyes drifted back to Fenris, his uncomfortable expression returned. “Uh, I’ll just… leave you guys to it.”

As soon as he was gone, Anders turned to the elf. “You have to stop this, Fenris. I’m sorry that you’ve gone off the deep end, that everyone’s gone off the deep end, but I want nothing to do with you, okay? Even if you’re right, I. Want. Nothing. To. Do. With. You.” He slammed the door shut in his face and the lock clicked right after.

\---

For a long time, Fenris simply stood outside of the clinic, unable to bring himself to knock again, but also unable to move. Eventually he finally began to make his way back to the mansion, his heart aching in a way he didn’t know it could. When he got home, he reheated the lunch he’d made for himself and Anders, then brewed the mage’s favorite tea as he promised he would. He walked back to the clinic with the warm meal and tea in hand, set it on the clinic’s doorstep, then knocked at the door. He didn’t linger, turning back and walking home, hoping that if nothing else his lover would enjoy the meal.

\---

The knock made him wary, but Anders opened the door. He looked around in confusion and then his eyes dropped to find the bag and he regarded it cautiously. It was far from the first time that things had been left for him, food included, but when he picked the bag up and opened it, realizing what it was, he scoffed and put it back down on the ground, leaving it there as he went back inside. When he checked again a couple of hours later, it was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

It was the next evening that Isabela made her way to the clinic to meet with Anders. It was likely he’d be closing down for the day, so she doubted he’d be busy with any patients. She had a wine bottle and a couple glasses in hand and she knocked at his door with a little smirk on her lips. “Have time to see a lovely pirate before you go to sleep, Handsome?” She called through the door, wanting to ease any apprehension in him about who it might be right off the bat.

\---

As with every knock since the warrior’s arrival, he tensed as he looked at the door, but the voice that followed made the tension slip away. He had a feeling as to why she was here, the same reason Varric had stopped by that same morning, and he figured it was better to get it over with quickly - the faster he put these ‘discussions’ with everyone behind him, the faster he could put this whole situation behind him.

He got up and made his way to the door, unlocking it and opening it with enough room for her to step in, since he knew she’d want to stick around for a few minutes, if nothing else.

\---

She flashed him a smile and stepped inside like she owned the place, as she always did, making her way to his desk. She set the two glasses down and opened the bottle, pouring a little for each of them. The smell was sweet, but not alcoholic. “Since we can’t share wine, I asked them to make me something that is almost entirely juice. We can pretend we’re having a drink together, at least.” She said with a soft laugh and offered him one of the glasses.

\---

His eyes fixed on the bottle and the glasses in her hands, watching without a word as she set it down and poured them. He was waiting until she offered it to him to point out the flaw in her logic, but by then she’d explained it away. “...Thanks, I suppose.” It was odd, but sweet - just the sort of thing Isabela would do. He took the glass from her, sniffed it to make sure, and then had a tiny sip to of it. It tasted pretty good and as someone who ever only indulged in tea from time to time, it was rather enjoyable to have something else for once. He sat down at his desk, gesturing for her to grab one of the stools and join him.

\---

She sat down with him, grabbing her own glass and sipping from it. “Not bad. Tastes better than most wine, really.” She looked him over, though not in the hungry way she usually did, but rather as if she was searching for something. “How are you feeling about all of this? I know it can’t feel good to be the odd man out about everything concerning a certain elf.”

\---

“Besides wishing he would fuck off and die?” He said this in a way that was meant to procure a chuckle, but he wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t.

\---

At that, she gave a little snort, but the smirk she gave him was a sad one. “It’s really upsetting for all of us, you know. For you and Fenris most of all. But it hurts us as a whole. The two of you were so happy and we’d like to see you happy again. ...We don’t want either of you to fuck off or die.” She added, also hoping to keep the mood a little lighter.

\---

He sighed at that, taking a sip of his drink and wishing that it was wine. He could use it. “You know, even if everything you guys are telling me is true, it doesn’t really matter how it makes you guys feel. People break up all the time - they don’t stay together because it makes their friends feel better.” He knew this wasn’t the same scenario, but it was close enough for a point to be made.

\---

“That’s very true. But it isn’t exactly a breakup if you haven’t given it a try. And we all know that it made you very happy. Of course, they were always so pleased with the little looks you exchanged and the way you’d kiss or hold hands if you thought no one was looking. But that wasn’t my favorite part.” She leaned in conspiratorially, a smirk on her lips. “You told me about how amazing your sex was with him, especially when he glowed for you. And the way those sexy tattoos of his are everywhere.” She sounded incredibly turned on just by the thought and she chuckled, sipping her drink again and also wishing it was wine.

\---

His expression scrunched with distaste. “Isabela, that’s disgusting.” No matter what the elf looked like, no matter what those… markings of his did, he didn’t want to imagine having sex with him. “None of you get it, okay? None of you get how much I hate him. I hate him more than I hate templars - does that give you some idea? Or are you going to tell me that I actually love the Circle and think that they do good work?”

\---

She sighed heavily. “It’s not disgusting. I only wish I had gotten a peek of it while it was still happening.” She looked to him solemnly and tilted her head a little. “The elf you hate more than the Circle is someone who hit you and spoke to you like you were scum. Does the elf you’ve seen over the last couple days seem like someone who would treat you like that?”

\---

“I know what you’re doing, Isabela,” he replied warningly. “It doesn’t change anything, okay? It’s too little too late.” He wasn’t suddenly going to befriend the elf and the thought of anything more than that was as disgusting as he’d claimed before.

“I’m not sorry and I don’t feel bad for him.”

—

“That's not really fair though, is it? You're hating someone you don't know at all. “ Isabela was clearly disappointed, but not accusatory. “How would you feel if someone you loved decided one day that they loathe you and it was none of your doing?”

\---

“What’s not fair is you telling me to forget everything I feel, everything I know, to make someone that I can’t stand feel better.” If would feel uncomfortable if it were anyone else, but being Fenris, it was intolerable. “Why does he matter more than me? You want me to respect his feelings, well, he should respect mine just as much.”

\---

“Because your feelings aren’t healthy ones. You’re wanting to cling to hating someone when there really isn’t any reason to.” She swirled the juice, looking down into the glass. “Is it really so important to you to hate someone that would never hurt you?”

\---

“There’s plenty of reason to, you just don’t know it.” He didn’t want to be lectured to about this. “If you’re that worried about him, go find someone else for him to latch to and leave me out of it.” He downed the rest of the glass and held it out to her, silently telling her that he wanted her to go.

\---

“I’m sorry for both of you that you feel this way.” She knew when she wasn’t wanted, so she finished her own drink and rose from the stool, taking the glasses and bottle and heading for the door without another word.


	4. Chapter 4

Over the next couple days, Fenris continued to bring meals over to Anders. Each time he simply knocked and left food on his doorstep, not sticking around for fear of rejection. But he couldn’t stand to go another day without seeing Anders, rejection or not. So on this day he brought a bag full of food and sweet treats, making his way to the doorstep and knocking. He took a deep breath and waited, halfway convinced he should just leave the food and go. It would only hurt him to stay. But he was compelled to do it, even if he only got to see him for a moment.

\---

The door opened shortly after the knock and though he didn’t react as he had before, his hand tightened on the knob and his heart picked up. He’d gotten use to food being left for him, not that he ever brought it in or ate it, but he was startled to suddenly find himself face to face with him.

He expression set into a frown as he spied the bag in his hand, knowing what was inside. “Will you stop it? I don’t need your food, Fenris.” He was already exasperated.

—

“No.” He said this softly, his eyes lowering to his feet. “I know you don't need it, but please have some. I know before we were living together you didn't take good care of yourself and you forgot to eat sometimes if you were busy. I know all of your favorite foods so I'll never bring anything you don't like.” His low voice was a little uneven and it seemed it pained him to actually be in his presence again.

\---

He sighed, leaning his forehead into the edge of the door and shutting his eyes for a moment. “Look, if you’re not going to be the asshole I know, fine. The clouds have parted, the Maker has spoken, it’s a miracle, and whatever else you want to call it.”

“It doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

He leaned back from the door, fixing a bemused gaze on him. “If it’s that hard for you, go try to find someone else to spend time with. Anyone but me, okay?” He wanted him to move on and if he wanted to continue to be tolerable when they did have to interact, all the better.

—

His hands began to shake and he couldn't raise his eyes to meet Anders’. “Don't you remember our reading lessons? You were teaching me how so we could read your manifesto together.” He slowly recited the last line he remembered reading from Anders’ writing, remembering it because there was a word in it he'd really struggled on but eventually figured out. “We left off shortly after that…”

\---

He stared at him, his expression a mix of stunned and disturbed. “...Go away.” As before, he slammed the door in his face, but this time he leaned against it, eyes fixed on nothing, disconcerted. He didn’t know how the elf knew these things and as much as he wanted to deny everything everyone was telling him, he knew the problem was him.

—

There was a soft thump as the elf rested his forehead against the door, his breath beginning to hitch. “I'm sorry. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I'm so sorry. I miss you…”

\---

The mage didn’t respond, not knowing what to say to him that wasn’t cruel. Normally he didn’t mind being cruel - normally he enjoyed it. Only to the elf, of course, but it would be lying to say he felt bad about any of the harsh words he hurtled at him, not when the elf took pleasure in doing the same.

The man on the other side of the door… he really wasn’t the asshole he knew and he couldn’t bring himself to be anything more than dismissive, not if he wasn’t going to fight back.

—

“I'm sorry.” He was weeping now, occasional apologies coming between soft sobs. It took some time for him to finally pull himself together enough to walk home, leaving the food on the doorstep and trudging broken heartedly toward the mansion that felt incredibly empty without Anders.


	5. Chapter 5

A few days later, it was late in the evening, just an hour or so before Hawke usually went to bed, that he found himself at the healer’s door. It was raining hard and it had taken some time to navigate his way to Darktown through the downpour, the rain much colder than the hot blood soaking into his shirt from the elf he had slung over his shoulder. The sound of the rain also masked the raspy breathing he kept listening for and the fact that he couldn’t hear it any more made his knocking on Anders’ door all the more frantic once he reached it. “Anders! Anders, open up!”

\---

The frantic sound of knocking was nothing new for him, but the sound of Hawke’s voice brought with it an alarm that the knocking alone did not. He had started to rise to his feet, meaning to the door quickly, but hearing that it was one of his companions, he rushed over to open it. He blinked at the sight, stepping back to allow him room to move in.

“You went out today?” he assumed, thinking he’d taken the elf on a job that he hadn’t been needed for.

\---

“Yeah, but this didn’t happen while we were out.” Hawke’s voice was rushed and he moved in without hesitating, relieved at least that the healer hadn’t shut the door in his face when he saw who he was carrying. He eased the drenched elf onto the work table as gently as he could, then backed away to get Anders space.

Fenris looked terrible. The color was drained from his skin and his veins were dark and prominent in a way that was suggested of some sort of poison. His left arm and leg were broken and at odd angles. His shallow breathing had a wet, raspy quality to it from one of his broken ribs puncturing his lung, the organ quickly collapsing. There were other internal injuries on that side, clearly the side of whatever impact had caused all the damage.

“He was okay on the mission but he wanted me to come talk to him tonight. I found him outside his mansion like this, I don’t know how long he’s been out.” Hawke swept a hand through his wet locks, already having an assumption of what happened but too upset to discuss it yet.

\---

The only times he’d ever been ‘allowed’ to heal him was when he’d been in this sort of condition, though he’d never seen him this bad off. It hadn’t stopped him from throwing heals at him, knowing how much he hated it and set him off, but most of the time, he let him deal with himself unless with was dire.

“Must’ve been bandits.” The healer commented, getting right to it in diagnosing him. He was a wreck and he started with the most concerning issue first - the poison. Depending on what kind it was, it could take some time for him to heal. Some poisons he could heal almost instantly, others took more time and effort. He placed his hand over his chest and send a powerful wave of magic into him that flowed along his entire vascular system.

He didn’t stop to analyze if that had done the trick, moving on to his lung. The flow of magic shifted, pulling back and gathering into his chest, the ribs shifting back into place and the tissue of his lung sealing back together.

He had to pull back then, needing a moment to gather himself. It was fortunate that he’d had a relatively peaceful day with few visitors - while the clinic wasn’t technically ‘open’, people seemed a lot adept at finding ways to take care of themselves when they would’ve deferred to his judgment were he available - and he was at full reserves, so he was able to go right back in with only a brief pause.

\---

Though his breathing was a little less haggard with his lung repaired, it still had a terrible, wet sound from the blood that had pooled inside of the lung. His veins were still dark and filled with poison, but Anders’ efforts had at least slowed its damage. His stomach was full of blood from his internal bleeding and his body began to weakly attempt to regurgitate some of it, though the unconscious heaving was ineffective and only served to get him choking. Hawke watched this nervously and to feel a little less helpless, he went to fetch a bottle of lyrium from Anders’ supplies, feeling like he was doing something at least if he stood by with it to help the healer.

\---

He was in the middle of fixing the source of all the blood, but as soon as he started choking, the mage rolled him up to his side, getting him into a position to help him bring up the blood without choking on it. He was in the zone and it was as if he wasn’t aware of who he was treating. As it happened the position gave him even better access to his injured side and he continued where he left off, keeping a mental list of what still needed work. The broken bones would have to wait - they simply weren’t serious enough to give any thought to, but it was probably a good thing that the elf was unconscious from the way he was forced to handle and position him.

\---

The elf’s choking stopped as soon as he was turned and with a few more weak heaves expelled dark, oddly sweet-smelling blood from his mouth. Hawke put a hand on Fenris’ hip, wanting to help keep him propped on his side while staying out of the way. He could hear the wet breathing sounds starting to slow, the poison bringing down the rate of his breathing as well as his heart rate, and he had to stop himself from giving the warrior a shake, wanting to wake him up from whatever the hell this was.

\---

After getting the bleeding under control, he took the time to check him over to see what was left or what he might’ve missed, and sighed when he realized this was one of those poisons. He repeated the spell from before, sending an all-encompassing heal through his veins, figuring that a few more would do the trick. He had to space them out though, because it took a bit out of him each time he cast it, so he was onto the bones, having the rogue hold him in place so he could set the bones and mend them.

\---

Hawke was also rather relieved that the elf  was unconscious when they reached the point that he was stretching the broken limbs and holding them in place. It was a hard job to keep them set just right as mangled as they’d been and it would be much harder with Fenris screaming and unable to hold still. “Need this?” He asked when the messier break of the two, the leg, was mended and offered him the potion he’d kept nearby. The healing had again delayed the poison and though his heart and lungs were still very slow, they were no longer declining for the time they’d been working on his bones.

\---

He’d definitely never seen him this bad off, but he wasn’t thinking about that, so focused on what he was doing. Depressingly, this wasn’t the worst off he’d ever seen and in taking it one step a time, it was manageable. He might have been able to do most of it in a single bout of healing, but that would’ve drained him and if he hadn’t gotten everything taken care of, it would’ve been more difficult in the end.

He glanced up at the offered potion and after a beat, took it from him to down it. Then he was back to healing the breaks, making sure the bones were in place so that he wouldn’t have to suffer a rebreak to fix it.

\---

The rogue was relieved for having been able to help and he looked over the arm Anders was working on with a frown. “Want me to get his armor off? It might be easier to maneuver him without all the plate and spikes.” He could see that the impact had damaged the armor and he knew the elf would be displeased when he woke. He didn’t doubt that he would wake now, trusting Anders completely since the healer had chosen to treat him like he was any other patient.

\---

“Go ahead,” he answered dismissively, focused on what he was doing. Again, he had to send a wave of magic through him, and this time it seemed to have a better effect, though it was to his frustration that he realized the poison wasn’t gone. He would just have to continue going back to it, so with all of the major injuries out of the way, he began just healings the minor things, cuts and bruises and the like.

\---

Hawke had no idea how to get his armor off, but after a little trial and error, he eventually started peeling it away, leaving the elf in just his pants. He stepped back again, pleased to see that while Fenris was still breathing rather infrequently, it was steady and he appeared stable. His breathing was still much too wet, but as his body had worked to get blood out of his stomach, it was starting to fight that as well. Once in a while he’d give a weak little cough and once in a while a bit of blood would seep from his lips as he tried to push the blood from his lungs. “...Thanks, Anders. I think you saved him.” He looked like shit, but he at least didn’t look like he was going to die now. At least not if the poison didn’t get a chance to weaken his heart and lungs a little more at a time.

\---

He hummed, not really paying the thanks much attention - it was no different than what he did for any of them. When he was done healing him, for the most part, anyway, he grabbed a cloth to start cleaning him up, wiping the blood from his skin and making him look much more put together when all was said and done. When he finished, he sent another heal into him.

“Whatever he was poisoned with is stubborn, once it’s cleared from his system, you should be able to take him home.”

\---

“Take him home?” He sounded doubted and watched the elf try to bring up a little more blood with a gurgling little cough. “I think he needs to stay here. I don’t think it’s a good idea to leave him on his own after whatever this was. He’ll probably be weak for a while.”

\---

“Once the poison is cleared from his system, he should be fine.” He wasn’t in great shape, but he’d taken care of the worst of it. “I mean… you could always take him to your place. That would probably be best for him.” To have someone nearby. Someone that wasn’t him.

\---

“I can’t take him home. What if he starts choking like that again? He still sounds terrible…” If he wasn’t still propped on his side, he probably would be choking again. “I know you don’t want him here, but I think if he were any other patient you’d think he’d need to stay under the watchful eye of a healer until he’s back on his feet…”

\---

“Keep him on his side,” he answered, moving away from the elf so he could clean up the blood that had gotten on the floor. “There’s nothing I can do about him choking that you couldn't do.” He couldn’t push it out of his lungs for him, he’d just have to take care of him. “If something else happens, you can bring him back.”

\---

“I can’t just stay at home. You know how little time I can actually even spend there. If he’s here in your clinic, you can watch over him while you see your patients. What if I come home and find him dead because no one was there to prop him up on his side and he rolled over during the day?” He realized that Anders would probably be relieved if that actually did happen and it made him sound all the more upset about all of this.

\---

“Hawke, if you’re that concerned about him, stay home with him. Don’t pawn of him off on me,” he snapped as he cleaned. He paused to give him another bout of healing, but then he had to grab another potion. He sounded frustrated and upset, his movements rougher as he picked up where he left off.

\---

“I’m not pawning him off. He’s hurt. He should be with the healer who knows how to treat him. You’d insist on it if it was anyone else.” He moved to grab a pillow from one of the cots, folding it to try to prop behind the elf and try to keep him on his side on the work table since neither of them were holding him anymore and he’d begun to tip.

\---

“I did treat him.” He’d taken care of all that he could, except the poison. When he got all the blood off the floor, he tossed the cloth into a pile to be washed. “You know what, Hawke? Whatever, just go.” The frustration gave way to anger as began to clean himself up, washing his hands and up his arms.

\---

“...Thank you.” He clearly didn’t want to take the elf in, but he knew he wasn’t going to let Fenris die on his watch. He moved to touch one of the warrior’s limp hands and murmured that he’d be alright before turning to head home, deciding he’d drop in sometime the next day and check on them.

\---

When the rogue was gone, the mage cursed to himself under his breath, but continued what he was doing, tending to the elf as necessary and keeping him propped on his side so he wouldn’t choke. He ended up having to drag his desk closer to work near him, pausing frequently to lessen the poison each time.

\---

Fenris was very still, his breathing still wet but better after bringing up some blood. With the frequent maintenance he remained stable, but the poison was stubborn so after a couple hours, he began to turn for the worst again. His slow breathing grew erratic and his body stiffened, beginning to convulse in what quickly became a seizure.

\---

It took only moments for Anders to realize what was happening and he quickly rose to his feet, hurrying over to him. This was something that few could take care of, even healers. He pressed his hands to his head, using a mix of healing magic and flickers of electricity so fine they were barely visible. It allowed him to help coax the misfiring in his brain back to calmness.

\---

With Anders’ intervention, what could have been a bad seizure calmed after just a few hard jerks that slowed to gentler convulsions, a little bloody froth rolling from the corner of his lips. As he calmed, the electrical activity in his brain eased his body still and his eyes opened, bloodshot and dilated. He gasped for air weakly, his shocked gaze finding Anders after a little searching.

\---

When he calmed, he eased him to his back. “You’re okay, Fenris.” There was a cloth laying nearby and he grabbed it to wipe away the blood. “You got attacked and you were badly injured.” He’d taken care of him and though that was heavily implied, he refrained from saying so out of instinct.

\---

“...Thank you, Amatus.” He wasn't easy to understand between his raw throat and still having some blood in his lungs, but he whispered the words anyway. He knew it was a huge gamble to drink such a lethal poison and take a walk off of the roof of his mansion, but deep down, he'd had faith Anders would save him. He tried to reach for the healer but his hand only raised an inch before falling again.

\---

His expression was unreadable, but his response was kind enough. “You need to rest. Close your eyes and try to get some sleep.” He eased him back to his side, propping him back up with pillows so he could stay on his side.

\---

When Anders eased him onto his side once more, Fenris’ eyes stung and when he closed them, a tear rolled down his cheek. It was the first time the other had touched him willingly in what felt like an eternity. He had touched him gently and he was going to let him stay, at least for a little while, since he was telling him to rest. He felt awful from the poison but knew he’d be in agony if Anders hadn’t already worked so hard to heal his wounds before he woke. The rain on his bare skin had dried and he was cold, but he didn’t dare ask for a blanket and risk wearing out his welcome. He just murmured another thank you and tried to relax, knowing sleep would come easily to him with his body drained as it was.

\---

When it seemed he’d calmed, he used another spell to check over him, but he seemed fine. As fine as he could be, at least. He returned to his desk and continued what he was doing, though he was getting tired of searching for an answer he didn’t think he’d like.

\---

The sound of the rain was soothing, but not nearly as soothing as Anders’ presence. Just knowing he was there made him feel so much better than he had before, regardless of the poison that kept trying to whittle away at his heart and lungs. He was asleep shortly afterward, almost able to pretend that they were home as he listened to the familiar sound of Anders turning pages and scratching on parchment with his quill.


	6. Chapter 6

It was late the next afternoon that the elf finally began to stir again. The poison had worn off hours earlier and so he’d been able to rest with slow, normal breathing. It didn’t do much to make him feel better, but it had at least given Anders a break from tending to him. He ached all over, but there was no sharp pain thanks to the healer’s work, and he groaned as he started to push back against the pillow to ease off of his side. His eyes opened slowly and his hand shifted slightly, too weak to grope around the way he would have like for anything familiar. For the moment, he was disoriented and not entirely sure where he was.

\---

With the poisoned cleared from his system, the mage was less concerned about him. He’d moved his desk away and kept an ear out on him, taking naps throughout the night so that he could check him periodically. By morning, he was exhausted, but it was nothing new for him. He just had a half-loaf of bread with some water and got to it, opening the door a couple of times when someone came by and, after that, deciding to forgo his reading in favor of another nap. He wasn’t getting anywhere and treating the warrior had taken a lot out of him. As such, when he began to wake, the mage was passed out on his cot, dragged out from his private nook and within eyesight of where the elf was resting.

\---

His vision focused after a few blinks and he quickly realized he was in the clinic. He spent plenty of time here so the recognition of his surroundings was a comfort. He was extremely dehydrated and it took him a few moments to remember why, but it quickly came back to him. He’d injured himself to spend time with Anders last night. He injured himself in a way that he knew very well would require a lot of treatment so Anders would not be able to kick him right back out. When he remembered waking in the night and having his lover gingerly prop him up onto his side, he smiled faintly.

His eyes wandered and found Anders sleeping peacefully nearby. He wanted to go to him, but it took him considerable energy just to prop himself up on his elbows. He ached deeply from the inside out, but stubborn as he was, it wasn’t going to stop him. He’d just have to rest a bit more before he could sit up the rest of the way. He tried to call out to him, but his raw throat only produced a soft croak. He’d need some water before he could do much talking. He tried to sit up, but only managed to knock a pillow off of his resting place which landed on the floor with a plop.

\---

His eyes cracked open and he wasn’t entirely sure why, the sound of the pillow falling enough to rouse him, but not enough for him to register it. For a moment he simply lay there, before lifting a hand to his face and rubbing at his eyes as he started to sit up, intending on going to check on the warrior. As his feet swung off, he realized that the warrior was looking at him and his brows lifted, quickening his pace to go over to him.

“You’re okay, Fenris,” he reminded him, using a spell to check on him and knowing that he needed to get some food into him. “Stay here, I’m going to get you something to eat.” He didn’t have much, but he produced a bit of bread and some carrots that had been dropped off as ‘payment’ for his help the previous day - he was really lacking in the food, especially with the clinic ‘closed’ as it was. He also filled up a cup with water, bringing all of it to him and offering him the drink first.

“Here, take a drink.” He tried to give it to him as is, but as soon as he realized he wasn’t going to be able to sit up enough, he helped prop him up by slipping an arm beneath him.

\---

Fenris was shaky in helping Anders sit him up, but managed to do a little of the work on his own. “...You helped me.” Even though his voice was only a hoarse whisper, he sounded immensely grateful. He took the cup from Anders and as weak as he was his hand trembled and sloshed some water on his bare chest, but he still got it to his lips and drained the rest of it desperately.

\---

“Believe it or not, I’m not a monster,” he replied, finding it most natural to speak as he would have to the elf he knew. “Slow down,” he warned him, not wanting him to choke himself on the water and cause another issue to crop up.

He pulled the cup away and then ripped off a chunk of bread for him, holding it out for him. “Eat this.”

—

Fenris panted softly when he set the empty cup aside, needing a moment to recover before he reached for the bread. “I would never think you were a monster. But I know you hate me and...I'm just grateful you still took me in.” It hurt so much to say it and it left him just holding the bread, his head hanging and tears starting to sting his eyes.

\---

“...Well, you don’t have to worry, I’m not going to let you die.” A simple thing for him, but the most that the elf could ask from him that he would willingly give. “You’re going to be fine, you just need some time to heal and rest.” He nodded to the bread in his hand, even though he couldn’t see it. “Go on, you need to eat something.”

—

“Thank you…” He obediently raised the bread to his lips, taking small, steady bites with none of the desperation he'd had for water. By the time he'd finished, he looked exhausted from just the simple task he'd completed. He raised his head enough to look at Anders. “You must be drained too. I’m sorry…” But he could help him recover if he could convince the mage that it would help.

\---

“I’m fine.” The answer was short and he offered him a carrot next, pushing it into his hand. “Have a bit more.” He wasn’t wrong and he could still feel the effects of too much lyrium, but it wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t like the morning after some of the disasters he had to deal with in the clinic - he was only one patient, at least.

—

When their hands touched, he gave him a light flicker of lyrium before taking the carrot. “I can help restore your energy. To thank you for your help.”  He doubted he would let him, but he still wanted to try. “Justice said the lyrium in my body feels just like the Fade. It helps you both.”

\---

He jerked his hand back when he flickered, leaning away from the danger instinctively. “Fenris,” he sounded exasperated, not wanting to hear him talk like that, despite a flicker of interest that he batted away. “I don’t care what you think Justice said. I don’t care, I don’t want to hear it.”

He lowered him back down and set the food aside, moving away from him. “Why don’t you tell me what happened to you?” To get him on a subject that had nothing to do to him. “I can’t quite make sense of your injuries or how you got that much poison into your system.”

\---

Fenris looked heartbroken but it was easier to lie down so he didn’t fight him. “I...don’t want to talk about it.” He didn’t know how angry this Anders might be if he knew that all he’d done was self-inflicted. That he’d risked killing himself in the hopes of spending time with him. “And I know you don’t care what I think. But I can help you after exerting yourself the way you did for me. You know I wouldn’t hurt you, you just have to take my hand…” He reached out to him with a weary, trembling hand, flooding his arm with light and letting it linger there, hoping he could tempt him to take it.

\---

“I don’t need your help, I’m fine,” he repeated, firmer. “Keep that hand away from me - the last time you thrust it at me, you threatened to stick it in my chest, so forgive me if I don’t trust you.” The elf had done nothing to him in some time - the opposite really, but he knew what he was like, what he was capable of, and he wanted nothing to do with him. “You know, Fenris, the only people that have hurt me more than you have are the templars and even then, you’re probably tied.”

And here he was, expecting him to trust him, to want to be around him, to want to be with him.

\---

“No. No, Anders. I don’t know what has happened to make you think I’ve done these things. But I would never, ever hurt you. I would die for you without a heartbeat of hesitation.” He almost had died in this endeavor to spend time with him. He didn’t withdraw his hand or cease the flow for lyrium. “Just touch my hand and you’ll see. Even if you don’t trust me, you know I’m too weak right now to even sit up on my own.”

\---

“If you’re feeling this well enough to argue, then you’re well enough to go home, I think.” He wasn’t and he knew he wasn’t, not with the seizure he’d had earlier, but a mage could dream. He dismissed the offered hand, considering opening the clinic just so he had a reason to ignore him.

\---

At that, Fenris dropped his hand and dismissed the lyrium, but only because he was too tired to keep holding it up if Anders wouldn’t take it. “You’re a good man. You’re so kind and so gentle. I just don’t understand how you can hate me the way you do. I know you think I did things to you, but I also know that you have to be doubting that any of it really happened…” How could he not, with all of his friends insisting that they had been together?

\---

“I didn’t make up the last three years of my life,” he snapped, defensive in a way that suggested he was trying to convince himself just as much. That he was right. “Can you stop making me regret keeping you alive and just shut up?” The elf sounded terrible and he needed to stop straining his voice, but he definitely wasn’t saying it as his healer.

\---

“You did, though. Ask anyone. Your friends, your patients. They ALL know that you should be with me.” Fenris hated how easily tears came to him since Anders had changed, but he felt the ones that had been threatening since he woke up start to spill down his cheeks. “You don’t mean that. If you really regret keeping me alive, you’re more than capable of fixing that mistake right now.”

\---

“Luckily for you, I’m not a monster,” he repeated, this time a bit nastier. He’d be lying to say he hadn’t wanted him dead from time to time, but he wouldn’t do it. Not unless it was in self-defense and, by some miracle, it had never escalated quite that far. “If you really care about me so much, why don’t you just give me what I want and stop?”

\---

“Because I can make you happy. I can soothe you when you have those nightmares about the templars. You told me how much happier you were with me than when you were alone. I want to make that happen for you all over again. No matter how long it takes for you to let me.” His already strained voice was breaking, growing more upset and finding his throat too dry to swallow the lump that formed in it.

\---

“I don’t want to be with you!” he insisted. “Even if you’re… even if you’re right,” It was difficult for him to say, “I don’t want to be around you, much less be with you.” He folded his arms, tense and defensive. “If you want to be cordial, fine, I can do that, but give up this fantasy, it’s not going to happen.”

\---

“How can you know that? I don't think you even know me.” Fenris could barely speak audibly, having to work hard to get the words out. “Am I not worth getting to know at least? We could try to get to know each other and see if we could at least be friends…” That would never be enough, but he knew Anders would fall in love with him again if he was given a chance.

—

No, he wasn’t, but it wasn’t getting him anywhere to say that. “Fine,” he snapped, “If it will convince you to leave me alone, I’ll stop avoiding you, but you have to stop coming here all the time and leaving stuff.” He didn’t want to actively spend time with him, but if they crossed paths in the Hanged Man, fine.

—

He looked a little less distressed by that, but not by much. “I'll stop coming by as often as I have been. Maybe when I'm on my feet again we could have dinner together some night?” It would be a start, at least.

\---

“No,” he shook his head. Then, knowing that, again, it was getting nowhere to completely refuse him. “We have can dinner if you invite other people.” So it wasn’t just them - he couldn’t help his mistrust of him, even if he was utterly pathetic in his presence all of a sudden.

—

It wasn't enough. But he was at least agreeing to be in his presence. He nodded, then turned his face away from him. He began to weep softly, the pain of Anders treating him like a wild dog he couldn't trust deep and overwhelming. He was too dehydrated to cry but he couldn't stop himself, he could only hope he'd regain himself soon.

\---

He could tell what he was doing and it made him frown. He’d never imagined he’d see him cry and he was crying constantly. He held back a sigh, not feeling bad for him, but feeling an uncomfortable squirm of something. Guilt wasn’t right, but it was a close as he could get to what it might be.

He went to fill up the cup for him, setting it beside him. He wasn’t going to be able to focus on reading and, honestly, he didn’t really want to. He decided it was time to open the clinic and the mere thought of doing so made him feel a lot better. He unlocked the door and lit the lantern, before heading back inside and waiting for them to come.

—

Fenris made a weak attempt for the water, but when he was unable to sit up enough to drink it, he settled back down without asking for help. He closed his eyes, just wanting to sleep for a while before he was ready to deal with the way Anders was looking at him lately.

It wasn't long before there was commotion by the door, the wails of a small child announcing them before a woman began to knock. Ana was a fairly regular visitor as her eldest son had fallen in with thugs and both she and her younger children needed mending when he lost his temper. Today it was a her youngest boy Lux and she cradled him to her chest as she waited, his arm broken and hanging at an odd angle.

\---

The door opened and Anders ushered her right in, keeping the exasperation off his face when he realized who they were. It wasn’t her he was exasperated with, but her situation. He didn’t like that she had to come in so often and he especially didn’t like that she had to bring in her children.

He left the door open behind her, so that anyone else could walk in as they pleased, guiding her over to another workbench to set the boy down so he could examined him. “Hello Lux,” he greeted him with a smile, trying to distract him even a little as he examined him to see what damage had been done to his arm.

—

The boy quieted a little when Anders started to look him over, knowing the healer and trusting him to make him feel better. He sobbed and sniffled softly, letting the mage look at the wound his brother had given him. Ana only had eyes for her injured son, but Lux looked from Anders, to the dosing elf on the other table, then back to Anders. “Fenris has an owie too?” He asked between hitching breaths.

\---

Anders followed his gaze over to the elf, giving him another smile, this time a little more strained. “Yup, you’re in good company.” He put an aura into the air to reduce his pain so that when he put the arm in position to set it, it wouldn’t feel so bad. It still wouldn’t feel good, but he’d work quickly to get it over with.

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do, Lux. I you need to be a big strong boy while I fix your arm. If you can do that, if you can be a big strong boy, I’ll give you a sweet when we’re done. We got a deal?”

—

The aura helped to calm him further and despite his tears, his eyes brightened at the promise of a sweet. Lux nodded to him and though he looked like he meant to be tough, he gave an anxious little whimper as he waited for what he knew would probably hurt. Ana took her son's free hand in both of hers and kissed the top of his head, wanting to soothe him while staying out of the healer’s way. She finally glanced to Fenris on the table but only because the elf had started shaking on the table. She was also curious what the healer’s lover was doing lying on a work table, but right now she just wanted to see her son mended.

\---

He took his arm gently and, after counting down for his benefit, he set it and healed it, the entire maneuver taking seconds. As soon as it was done, as another distraction, he exclaimed, “You did it!” as he checked over his work, then let go of it to give his hair a little ruffle.

—

Lux had whimpered louder at the moment of discomfort, but it was over before he knew it. When his hair was ruffled, he realized that the pain was gone and he gave Anders a big smile. “You fixed it!”

“Thank you.” Ana said softly, though she struggled to meet the mage’s eyes. She was embarrassed by her frequent visits and how helpless she felt in her situation. “Jessen is gone again. Hopefully he’ll stay gone this time.” She doubted it, but perhaps she’d make it a couple months before coming back.

\---

“...Come here for a moment.” He nodded her away from where he’d worked on her son, grabbing the sweet he’d promised for him. He didn’t have them on hand often, but when he did, he saved them for children who needed bribes to handle their treatment.

He brought it back to him to keep him busy, before returning to where he’d pulled her aside. “If you want, I have friends who could scare your son straight.” She likely knew who he associated with and with Hawke making a name for himself the way he was, there was some weight in the offer. “They wouldn’t hurt him, of course, just… make a point.”

It might help, it might not, but it was better than doing nothing. Only if she wanted it, though, he wouldn’t intervene if the intervention wasn’t welcome.

—-

Ana finally looked up to him after he pulled her aside and she looked a little puzzled. “...I thought you were there the last time Fenris offered?” He almost had to be, she only ever saw the elf in this clinic. “I know none of you would mean to hurt Jessen, but he’s so volatile...I’m just afraid it would come to that. Maybe it needs to come to that. He just needs someone to show him that he can be strong without being cruel…” She glanced back to her son when she saw him hop down from the table, licking his fingers clean from the sweet and wandering to the table Fenris was resting on to peek at him.

\---

He frowned, but said nothing in response to the bit about Fenris. “Even if it did, it would probably be for the best. He needs some sense knocked into him if he thinks it’s okay to hurt his siblings like this.” He needed a role model like Hawke, not the type of men he’d been following around, and he was sure the rogue would do something if he told him about the situation.

He followed his gaze to the boy and when he saw what he was doing, spoke up. “Fenris isn’t feeling well, Lux, why don’t you give him some space so he can keep resting?”

—

She knew her son liked Anders and would listen to him and so she turned her gaze back to the mage and frowned. “...Maybe that is what he needs. But you would take care of him if he got hurt, wouldn’t you? He’s still so young, I know he can be a good man if someone shows him how. If his father wouldn’t have passed away, this wouldn’t have happened...” For all of his faults and as much as she was afraid of him, he was still her boy and she couldn’t help but fret over him. Her eyes wandered back to find Lux and her brows narrowed when she found her son was still at the elf’s side. “You heard Anders, young man. You leave Fenris alone.”

“He’s not resting, though. I think his owie is better…” Lux was close enough to see the tremors running through the elf’s body and the half-lidded look of his eyes made him think that he must be waking up.

\---

“Of course, you don’t have to ask.” Even if he wanted to give him a piece of his mind, he was young and impressionable. There was hope for him, as long as he didn’t stay on this track.

His eyes followed hers once more, finding the boy. He couldn’t quite contain the roll to his eyes as he started towards them, offering Ana an apologetic smile along the way, as if the elf’s condition was some inconvenience to her. When he got close enough to see what was happening, he moved a little quicker so he could examine him.

—

The warrior was starting to convulse again, his tremors building into something more. His eyes kept opening partially but they were vague and sightless. His breathing would stop for a few beats, then begin again as the seizure built up steadily.

Ana had followed Anders over and though she didn't know what was going on with the elf, she saw enough to grab Lux and gently pull him back so he would be out of the way. “I'm so sorry, Anders. You must be distraught to see your love like this…”

\---

Frustrations aside, he was quick to act, placing his hands on his head as he had before. He eased him back out of the seizure, stopping it in its tracks. He didn’t know if it was an after effect of the poison or the trauma he’d endured, but either way, the treatment was the same. This wasn’t something he could just cure, he had to wait for them to stop cropping up on their own.

“He’s not my love,” he announced, letting go of him after making sure he came down completely. If everyone was going to continue to think so, he was just going to have to correct them. “But he’ll be fine, he just had an accident that he needs to recover from.” 

—

“...Oh, I'm sorry.” Ana said softly once the elf had completely stilled again, assuming that meant they'd broken up. “We should be going. I'll send one of the boys over tomorrow with some bread. If your friends can find Jessen, they have my permission to scare him straight.” She could only pay the healer with the bread she made, though she was sure he gave away more of it than he ate.

\---

He looked up when she spoke, offering her the apologetic look once more. “Don’t worry about it,” he insisted, always telling people that they didn’t have to give him anything. If they insisted, he took it, but he always wanted to make sure that the people he helped knew he wasn’t owed. “I’ll let you know if anything happens.”

\---

“Thank you…” She said meaningfully and was pleased when Lux needed no prompting to do the same. The little boy moved in closer to hug Anders’ leg from the side. “Thank you!” He chirped before moving back to his mother.

\---

His smile turned genuine as he was hugged, his hand coming to rest on the top of his head to give it another ruffle. “You’re welcome, Lux. I know you love my sweets, but try not to come back any time soon, okay?”

\---

“Okay!” He said with a smile and waved to the healer. His mother gave Anders a weary but warm smile and lead her son out the door. Fenris was still quiet on the table, but he didn’t look well, still dehydrated and trying to cope with the loss of blood he’d had the night before. He’d only half awoken from his seizure and he looked around without moving his head, his eyes dazed.

\---

When they were gone, Anders turned his attention back to the elf, examining him a little more closely. Going so far as to pull back his lids a little to study the response of his pupils. “You need to stop it with these seizures. You’re going to have to tell me what happened to you,” he spoke aloud, though he wasn’t expecting a response. Whoever managed to do this to him were a serious danger - someone that Aveline needed to keep an eye out on.

\---

Fenris’ pupils contract a little from the light in the room, but he doesn’t flinch from having his eyelids manipulated. “You won’t come home. I need you…” He mumbled in response as if that perfectly explained what had happened to him, his voice barely coherent.

\---

He sighed, letting go of him and studying him. “When will you give up? I’m not who you think I am. I’m not going to turn into him. You need to give up. If you don’t, you’re not going to move on.” His voice was a little softer, finally losing the harsh edge that he’d had with him ever since waking to find him in the clinic.

\---

The sleeping elf huffed a little at that, then said something in sleep-slurred Tevene. He was still for a moment as if he was going to quiet and slip deeper back into sleep, but instead he groaned softly and went on in common as if he remembered that the other couldn’t understand him. “I would never give up on you.”

\---

“You need to,” he insisted, moving to grab his stool and bringing it over so he could sit. “Tell me, what happened? Who did this to you?” More specifically, what did they do? It wasn’t as important at this point, but he wanted to know how they’d managed to cause so much damage.

\---

At that question, Fenris seemed to grimace and turned his face away. “I will do anything for you. I am yours.” He closed his eyes completely again, his lips parting though he said no more.

\---

He didn’t see the answer for what it was, thinking he was still just offering declarations in the hopes that it would change something. “Will you knock it off already? I don’t want to hear it. I’m trying to talk to you, so just tell me what I what to know. What happened?”

\---

“It is a sin in the eyes of the Maker.” He mumbled groggily, his brow furrowing a bit. “I just need you. I don’t know why He took you away from me.”

\---

“What’s a sin? What are you talking about? Were you doing something you shouldn’t have?” He could see that he was out of it, but if he was going to get anywhere with this, he needed to try. “You will find someone else,” he insisted, trying to get him off the subject of him. If nothing else, the elf was… attractive enough. He was sure he could find someone to help distract him from his grief.

\---

“There is no one else. I only see you.” He sounded upset with this, enough that his speech was starting to clear up as he roused more. “I need you.”

\---

He made a frustrated sound. “I get it, Fenris, this is difficult for you. I get it. I get that everyone thinks I’m the bad guy for not just...being what you want me to be, but none of you - you especially - have stopped to think about what it’s like for me. You say you need me, but I need you to stop.”

\---

“You wouldn’t think so if you gave me a chance. I know you so well. I know exactly how to make you happy.” His eyes opened again and they were more focused as he looked back at Anders. “It wouldn’t hurt you at all to just let me try.”

\---

“I don’t like you. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I-... Even if you’re different, even if you’re not the man I think you are, I can’t just erase everything I know about you. I can’t pretend that none of that happened or pretend that everything’s okay between us. Even if none of it’s real, it’s real to me and I can’t just make that go away, okay?!” His voice was becoming affected and tight as he went on. “Besides, you don’t know that for certain. If you were to close your eyes and open them as the man I know, you’d jump up and attack me the moment you laid eyes on me - I’m not safe around you.”

\---

“You don’t know me. I know you can’t just forget what you think you know, but the only way past that is to get to know me. You are the only light in my life. You’re safe with me, ask anyone we know.” Fenris swallowed hard, trying to wet his throat and give his hoarse voice more strength. “I can win your heart again if you give me half a chance, please…”

\---

He lifted a hand to pinch the bridge of is nose as he bowed his head. For a long time he said nothing, and then, “Is that how it happened then?” It sounded like he didn’t want to hear this, only asking to get it over with. “You won me over somehow? Was it the bigotry or was it the sulking that made me swoon?”

\---

“It was how much we discovered we had in common once we actually spoke to each other. It was the way I know how hold you when you’re upset. The way I started helping the mage cause because I know how much it means to you. The way my lyrium can soothe you when you have the nightmares about the templars.” He frowned deeply. “It wasn’t one big thing. It was all the little things that made our relationship so perfect…”

\---

Out of everything he was hearing, there was one thing that was by far the most unbelievable. “You started helping with the mage cause,” he repeated, skepticism in every word. “What happened to every mage is evil and needs to be either locked up or made an example of?”

\---

“You taught me otherwise years ago. I’m still not very fond of blood mages. But I’ve helped the others with you.” He closed his eyes briefly, so very tired, but opened them again and persisted. “I would trust you with any spell. Even this version of you who wouldn’t mind hurting me all that much.”

\---

Before he could say anything, someone else walked in, so with a final glance at the warrior, he got up to help the man. It didn’t take long, but before he was done with him, someone else came in. It took a while for there to be enough of a lull to empty the clinic and by that time he was exhausted, but there was a lot on his mind. Enough that he ended up putting out the lantern and shutting the door so he could return to the elf, drained enough that he sat heavily and leaned into the side of the work table as a brace.

\---

“Come here.” The elf had stayed awake the entire time, waiting on his chance to speak to him again. “You're exhausted and I may seize again. I can restore some of your energy, just in case…”

\---

“I’m fine.” He didn’t want to do… whatever it was he was claiming would work. “I shut the door, no one else is coming today.” That wasn’t necessarily true, but if there was a problem, he could handle it. “So, according to you, one day we just decided to be together… because we liked each other?” That was generally out that stuff worked, it just sounded bizarre coming from him.

\---

“Yes. We got to know each other, we became friends, we spent more time together as friends and...it slowly became something more. Something better than either of us would have imagined it could be.” He weakly reached toward him, trying to beckon him closer. “You’re not fine, you’re about to fall over. Just come here.”

\---

He really didn’t like how everyone was ignoring what he wanted, but in the interest of shutting him up, he scooted the stool closer, so he was within reach, though doing so did make him nervous. Even knowing that as he was, he was not a threat to him, like he’d told him, he couldn’t help how he felt.

\---

“I don’t want you to be afraid.” He began to glow, but lowered his arm down to his side again. “I’ll just lie here. You can touch me and if you don’t like it, you can just pull your hand back and I’ll stop the lyrium.”

\---

He leaned away as he began to glow, but that ended up forcing him to reach for the table to steady himself. He gripped it tightly to keep himself up, while still trying to maintain some distance between them. “I’d rather not…” Even though there was some curiosity, remembering what it had felt like before when he’d held him, he knew well what he was capable of when he was like this. He looked at his arm, to where the skin glowed, in his opinion, threateningly.

\---

“You don’t have to.” He let the light die out in his skin. He didn’t want to scare him off and he was at least content to have him close again. “But it would help.”

\---

He visibly relaxed when his power faded, falling back into its dormant stage. He knew that the only thing that was stopping it from coming right back at full force was the elf himself, but he still felt better when it wasn’t active. “Why? I don’t understand why the lyrium in your skin would help me.” Sure, lyrium had an affect on him and he could feel that there was a pull of it when he touched him, but he didn’t see how it could be replenishing in the same way a potion would be.

\---

“It’s not just lyrium. It’s a connection to the Fade. At least Justice thought so.” The Justice he knew, anyway. “It restores you better than a lyrium potion can. Without any of the side effects. I think you said it was kind of like finding lyrium deposits in the Fade…”

\---

“That… doesn’t make sense.” But then, he knew that the elf’s power wasn’t just to make him quick or strong, but to phase him out of this very existence… in so much that he could put parts of his body through otherwise solid objects. He was still looking at his arm, now uncertainly. “...So you do this often?”

\---

“Yes. When you’ve used a lot of magic, when you’re upset...sometimes for no reason at all. Just because it relaxes you and I want to make you happy…” He desperately missed the feeling of the mage melting against him to soak in his lyrium and a bit of that longing came through in his tone.

\---

It would have been bizarre to hear that declaration from anyone - when was the last time someone had wanted to make him happy? He knew some people cared about him, or at least valued him for what he could do. The people of Darktown liked him for what he gave them. Similarly, he knew that Hawke and the rest of them wouldn’t have put up with him or his opinions for so long if he wasn’t the only healer in Kirkwall that wasn’t held by walls.

With some hesitance, he reached for him. He had no problem with touching him if there was a reason for it, but there was no reason for this and knowing what was supposed to happen next, he was nervous.

\---

He was surprised when the hand settled on him and he gave it a few beats of stillness before he let the lyrium light up his markings once more. He watched him curiously, meaning to stop of it really upset the other. But if he seemed to tolerate it, he would be more than happy to keep it going so the other could recover.

\---

He tensed and for a brief moment, he broke contact as he instinctively pulled away, but he’d still gotten a taste of the what it felt like and his curiosity grew. He set his hand, shaking slightly, back down, staring at the point of contact. It felt like it had when he’d ended up in his arms before, but when he wasn’t freaking out, he was able to actually take it in. As seconds passed, adding up into larger units of time, his body began to relax and, in spite of himself, his eyes fell closed.

\---

It was an immense relief to see Anders relax under the influence of his lyrium and Fenris felt the corners up his lips turn up slightly. How long had it been since he’d smiled? He let his lyrium flow steadily through his tattoos, wanting the other to keep drawing from him as long as he was comfortable.

\---

It was unlike anything he’d ever felt before. He wasn’t wrong that it was similar to finding veins of lyrium in the Fade, but that just made it all the stranger. It wasn’t just replenishing, it felt incredible too. He couldn’t help reaching out to set his other hand on the arm, clutching at it with both, his shut eyes conveying more trust that he wouldn’t have been willing to give if he thought about it. 

—

It was so good to feel him holding him like this, even if it was only his arm. It was contact and more importantly it was contact that made his lover feel amazing. He let his lyrium intensify a little, wanting to give Anders a taste of how good it could get.

\---

He made a sound unconsciously, his hands tightening on his arm. His lips parted and he took in a slow breath between them, finding even more peace as his concerns melted away. He ended up leaning towards him, letting the table take his weight as he had before, but this time because he felt so relaxed.

—

The grip on his arm began to hurt him a bit but it didn't matter. Nothing short of Anders setting his arm on fire would make Fenris withdraw. When the mage started to lean in, the elf reached his free hand over to rest  on top of Anders’ arm, wanting to give him another point of contact to draw lyrium from while he was indulging in it.

—

The touch startled him, as he’d all but forgotten that the elf was there. His eyes snapped open and he looked at him, overwhelmed, but in the most pleasant of ways. With some difficulty, he drew his hands back, reality hitting him with the contact gone.

“...I see.” He didn’t know what to say, but he’d been right about everything he’d promised that would be. He’d been right about more than that, but they were things Anders didn’t want to acknowledge.

—-

Fenris withdrew his hand when he pulled away, disappointed to lose the touch but studying him. “Did that help?” He asked, purposely keeping the question vague. He hoped it would help him remembers something, but he'd settle for restoring some of his energy.

\---

He gave a reluctant nod. “I feel better.” It felt like he’d taken a particularly potent lyrium potion, but even better. He was still tired from poor sleeping habits, but it wasn’t the kind of all-encompassing exhaustion that plagued him when he used too much magic.

He shifted in the stool, his posture visibly improved. “That’s… really odd. What do you know about your… abilities?” Was it just the lyrium? Was there some kind of magic intertwined with it? Was that why he’d been altered like this? To provide power to the mage that owned him? He was curious about him in a way that he’d not been since he’d met him, but he wasn’t willing to say it in so many words.

—

“Very little. The first thing I remember is the pain of having it carved into my skin. And then after I recovered Danarius taught me how to use it. But he never realized he could draw from my lyrium like you do, which is very fortunate for me.” He reached for the water Anders had set out for him earlier, trying to sit up enough to have a drink. “He just taught me how to phase and how to use it to kill for him.”

\---

He found that curious - that he’d be capable of such things, but had never been used for that purpose. Until him, apparently. “I see.” He didn’t, really, but it was interesting. If he didn’t dislike him so much, it might be interesting to study him or, even better, to have someone who was more interested in such things study him and report back to him.

After a moment, not knowing what to say, he stood up. “I suppose I should open the doors again.” He felt like he could without passing out, so he might as well.

\---

“You should still rest, Amatus.” Fenris insisted softly, not wanting him to leave his side. But a knock came at the door anyway and the elf gave a displeased little huff. If nothing else, maybe he'd have the excuse to restore his energy again.

\---

He wasn’t sure what it was he kept calling him, but he had some idea. Enough that he didn’t want to ask. He went to the door, opening it, his brows lifting as he threw who he found on the other side a bemused look. “Come to pick him up, I hope.” He pulled back, further opening the door as he did so, letting the rogue and the pirate in.

\---

“Yeah, I guess. If he's in a condition to be picked up.” Hawke said as he stepped inside, trying to get a look at the elf on the table. Isabela moved past them both, moving to Fenris and helping the warrior sit up properly so he could drink the water he'd been struggling with.

\---

Anders folded his arms, watching her fuss over him briefly, before turning his attention back to Hawke. “I’ve been asking him what happened, but he’s refusing to tell me.” He didn’t really understand why, not catching onto the sinister undertones of his responses. “Whatever it was, it isn’t pretty. If this happens to someone else… It could very well kill them.”

\---

“I wish I would have gotten a look at whoever did this. I just found him outside like that…” Hawke watched Isabela help Fenris drink, not surprised to overhear her making a comment about him being half naked. “It looks like you patched him up pretty well though. He's awake and moving, at least.”

\---

“Yeah, he’s doing okay. He’s having seizures, though,” he divulged reluctantly, knowing that it meant he was going to have to keep him here.

\---

“...Oh really?” Hawke didn't think he'd ever seen anyone have a seizure and he had trouble imagining someone as strong as Fenris succumbing to such a thing. “...If you want me to take him home, what am I supposed to do if he does that?” He sounded terribly uneasy, not liking the idea of Fenris being far from the healer if something like that happened.

\---

He folded his arms over his chest, nudging the ground with his foot. “There isn’t much you can do, besides keeping them from hurting themselves and waiting until it’s over.” He was one of a few who could do something about it, stopping it from progressing to something worse.

\---

“...Okay.” It was an incredibly reluctant agreement. “Are you sure he’s ready to go? I don’t know the first thing about seizures…” But he also knew he’d been pushing it just to get Anders to keep him overnight. His eyes shifted toward Isabela and Fenris again as the elf began to cough weakly, choking on the water he’d been guzzling down with her help.

\---

He glanced over himself, giving a soft huff. He didn’t respond, knowing that if were anyone else, he would be refusing to let him go. He wouldn’t have even thought about it. He ended up remaining quiet, his lack of answer being his answer.

\---

After a few beats of silence, the rogue breathed a relieved little sigh. He reached out and put a hand on his shoulder, smirking slightly. “I appreciate you keeping him here. If he gives you any trouble, you have my permission to gag him.” He offered lightheartedly, listening to Fenris’ choking quiet before he resumed drinking more calmly.

\--- 

He shrugged the hand off of his shoulder, shaking his head to himself. “Literally anyone else, Hawke. Anyone else and I might not have even minded - why can’t you be the one that wants to get into my robes?” he grumbled, moving away from him and closer to the pair so he could check on him. “It might be to his advantage if you guys can bring in some food. I don’t really have anything here.”

\---

Hawke seemed a little shocked by the comment, but also a bit flattered. He followed him over to the table but kept a little distance from Anders as he got a better look at Fenris.

“Did I hear something about getting into your robes?” Isabela asked rather than commenting on his request for food, her hearing always especially sharp when anything sexual was said in her vicinity.

Fenris gave her the nastiest look he could muster while drinking and when he’d finally drained the glass, he had to give up his scowling to pant softly for air. He wanted more, but he was upset and instead eased himself to lie on his side so he could face away from them at least.

\---

“Food, Isabela. Unless you want him to starve to death.” That was an exaggeration by far, but it would be nice if they would make his life easier, since he was stuck taking care of him. Since the elf seemed to have recovered and wanted to be left alone, he didn’t bother to examine him beyond the scan he gave him. He turned back to the pair of them and gestured them to move back towards the door, so they wouldn’t be bothering him.

\---

“Well, we can’t have him starving to death. Not now that I finally got to see what’s beneath all that armor. Are you sure you wouldn’t be able to monitor him better if we took his pants off too?” Isabela used Fenris’ dismissal of her to take a good look at the muscle and tattoos of his back, but Hawke rolled his eyes and took hold of her to move her toward the door. “Got it, we’ll be back with food.”

\---

He watched them go and when they were gone, sighed. He turned the lantern back on and left the door open, welcoming whoever wanted to come in to see him. As such, he ended up with a steady stream of visitors for much of the afternoon and by the time dinner came, he was trying to figure out whether he should wait to see if they would return with food or if he ought to just make do with what he had for now.


	7. Chapter 7

Fenris had gone back to sleep while people were in and out of the clinic, his body taking full advantage of the hydration he’d gotten to make up for his blood loss. The process had him deeply asleep and he was entirely still for hours. It was right around dinner time that Hawke and Isabela returned, letting themselves in since the door was still open. Of course they couldn’t just bring anything simple for food, Hawke had wanted to go above and beyond to thank Anders for taking in the elf and so they brought enough hot food to feed ten people easily. “Miss us?” Isabela asked as she hauled in bags of roasted chicken and set them on an empty work table.

\---                                                                                   

When they entered, he was relieved to see them. For whatever reason, he felt better having them around so he wasn’t alone with the warrior, even if he’d been sleeping all day long. “Like a rash,” he quipped back, though he grew alarmed when he realized how much food they’d brought. “I asked you to bring some food for Fenris, not the whole of Darktown.” Though, he’d was more than happy to give it away to anyone who came in.

\---

“You and Fenris both need food. And probably for another day or so, so we figured we’d bring extra.” Hawke said as he spread out the rest of the food on the work table. “You can both get a few good meals out of this.”

\---

He felt a little guilty that they’d brought so much, but the warrior did need to have proper meals while he was here, so he didn’t press the issue. “Thanks.” He moved to help them, knowing that he definitely would be giving some of it away. He would eat a little himself, but whatever he didn’t save for his patient would be going to the people that needed it.

\---

Isabela looked up from setting things out, surprised that the warrior hadn’t stirred. “He must really be out. Usually one sniff of a home-cooked meal gets his attention fast.” He likely really needed some proper protein and she didn’t doubt that he’d be eager to eat once they woke him.

\---

“You guys should have some too,” he told him, thinking it would be nice if they ate here. They could keep the warrior company and he could have some time to himself… until the next person came in for treatment, anyway. It wasn’t unusual for it to slow down around supper time - everyone had better things to do than get themselves injured, it seemed. Then again, many of the people down here were flat out starving, so what they were doing if not eating, he didn’t know.

\---

“We could do that. We haven’t all shared a meal together in a while.” They’d brought a few plates along and Hawke began to load one up with the meal they’d brought. “Find any work for me, other than Fenris’ mysterious injuries?” He had quite a bit on his plate already, but sometimes the healer got good leads from his patients on odd jobs he could do in town.

\---

He decided he would wait for the pair to fill up their plates before he made one for himself. “Yes, actually.” He went right into explaining Ana’s situation with her son and how the boy needed an intervention. “His name’s Jessen and he’s decided that he wants to run around with the Coterie.” They had permission from his mother to step in, the hope being to prevent him from becoming the kind of man that they ended up killing when trying to clean up the city and he said as much to Hawke.

\---

“Sounds fun. I'll ask around and see if I can find him tomorrow.” Hawke moved with Isabela to find somewhere to sit and let Anders get to the food. “He's young yet, I bet I can scare him right back to his mother.”

\---

“I’m sure you can, just do me a favor - give him a hard time of it. The bastard broke his brother’s arm today and I wish I could say it’s the first time, but it’s not.”

He ended up making a couple of plates, one for his patient and one for himself. The one for Fenris was loaded with food while he was a bit more humble about what he took for himself. Enough to fill him up, but he certainly wouldn’t be stuffed by the end.

He carried it over to him and called his name to try to wake him.

—

“Oh, I can do that. It'll be fun.” So long as he could actually prevent another thug out in the streets, anyway. “You should eat more than that, there's more than enough.

Fenris was deeply asleep, dreaming and unaware of the sounds and smells that would normally wake him. Still, Anders’ voice reached him wherever he was and a hand shifted toward him, groping blindly for him.

\---

“This is plenty,” he assured him, leaving it at that.

When he was reached for, he leaned back, putting the plate out of reach so he wouldn’t accidentally knock it out his hand. “Fenris?” He didn’t know what he was doing, but he could tell that he wasn’t aware. He didn’t want to wake him up if he was that far under, but he needed to eat. He reached to give his shoulder a jostle. “Fenris, we have dinner for you.”

\---

The warrior’s brow furrowed and he mumbled what sounded like a plea in his native tongue. When he was jostled, his hand found the sleeve of Anders’ robe, making a weak attempt to tug him closer.

\---

He pulling himself away from his hand, brow furrowing. “Fenris?” he repeated, but rather than push, he shook his head. “He’s out of it. I’ll let him rest some more and when he wakes up, he can eat.” He stepped back, taking the plate with him and moving to sit down by the pair.

\---

Fenris seemed a little distressed when Anders moved away but didn't wake. Hawke watched with a frown, but quickly returned to eating. “Seems like he wants you close, but I guess he must be dreaming.”

\---

“So it seems,” he replied, his voice short. He’d traded out the plate in his hand for the one he’d made for himself and as soon as he sat down, he started in on it. He was pretty hungry, but it didn’t show beyond being efficient about eating it. “The sooner you can take him, the better. It’s not doing him any good to be cooped up in here with me. He needs to get over it.”

\---

“He's not going to get over it. What you had was more than just a relationship.” Hawke looked to Isabela and she nodded her agreement. “I don't think he was ever really happy until you became close. And maybe you were happy before, but you were always smiling when you were near him. You mended the broken pieces in each other's lives in a way that I don't think anyone else could have.”

\---

The mage stared at him incredulously, never having heard him speak like that. At most he gave pep talks or convinced stubborn people to see things from a different perspective. Even the few times he’d given relationship advice to the people that needed it, it hadn’t been anything like that.

“Hawke, I think you’re being a little dramatic. Sure, Fenris is the epitome of a pity party, but I’m not his sole source of happiness and, even if I was, I don’t want to be.” His pushed his food around a little and then set his fork down. “Honestly, what has gotten into you guys? The broken pieces in each other’s lives? Come on. Be serious.”

He didn’t really understand why they cared so much. It wasn’t their business.

—

“You wouldn't think I'm being dramatic at all if you remembered anything about it. You were really good together and...I don't know. I guess it's hurt everyone to see you both so different lately.” Hawke’s own eating had slowed and he sighed.

“I know you don't want to hear any of this, but I think Hawke is right. I don't think he can recover from this, so the more time he can recover with you, the better. Once he's away from you, he'll probably do something stupid and get himself killed next time.” Isabela said and was elbowed in the ribs by Hawke sharply.

\---

His honesty was uncomfortable and it struck him as ‘off’ in a way that only his relationship with Fenris had so far. To him, it’d seemed that the only thing that was wrong with all of this was that everyone thought he was with Fenris, but he wasn’t use to Hawke being so invested in him. In either of them. The Hawke he knew was tired of them and barely put up with them - to call them friends would be true, but tenuous. 

Isabela’s agreement didn’t help and he sighed, his appetite fading. He thought she was being just as dramatic - anyone could recover from anything with enough time. Her wording, however, struck him, as did Hawke’s reaction.

“Next time? What are you talking about ‘next time’?”

—

“She's not talking about anything. She's speculating and we don't know anything about what happened to him.” Hawke said firmly, a frown on his lips. “But I agree with her, he's not going to cope well once he's out of here. We've been trying to keep an eye on him, but I don't know what to do…”

Isabela said nothing, just lowered her eyes and went back to eating. When Fenris suddenly called out “Theodoric…” in his sleep, she startled a little. It didn't sound Tevene like the rest of his occasional mumbles, but the word also didn't mean much to her. It was just the change in his tone that caught her attention.

\---

He looked between them, finally understanding the suspicion they were keeping from him. That Fenris had done this to himself. He shook his head to himself, refusing to believe that he’d try to kill himself over this - that was ridiculous and he had half a mind to go over to him to find out if it was true and slap some sense into him.

Before he could act, however, the sound of his name made a bolt of shock shoot up his spine, stiffening him as his eyes widened. Despite having heard him say it before, he hadn’t expected to hear it again and he twisted sharply to look at him, expecting him to be awake and a demand for him to shut up waiting on his lips.

He wasn’t awake though and he frowned deeply, not understanding his fitful rest. He wasn’t common for people to move and speak in their sleep and so far, he hadn’t seen or heard anything like this from him.

“...I’m going to wake him up.”

—

“...Don't say anything to him about what I said. It's just what I think he did and I don't want to give him any big ideas if he didn't.” Isabela said uneasily when Anders said he was going to wake the elf.

\---

He glanced back at her, but said nothing as he rose to his feet and returned to the elf. He did end up giving him a smack on the face, though there wasn’t any force behind it. Just enough to make him wake.

“Fenris, wake up,” he accented his physical demand with a verbal one.

—

The smack startled Fenris awake and he reached for Anders, taking hold of his robes and weakly trying to tug him close. “I didn't go back, I didn't go back…” They were the only words in the common tongue he got out between desperate murmurs of Tevene. Isabela set her plate aside and moved to them both, trying to steady the elf that was very close to falling off the table.

\---

As soon as the hands grabbed for him, he was stepping back, but this time he got a decent hold on him and it prevented him from moving away. “Calm down.” He reached for his forehead and tried to use a bit of ‘calming’ magic - the elf would’ve been pissed if he used it on him before - to stop his… fit, was it?

The use of that particular spell was questionable, since it removed emotional affect, but not the emotion itself, but he didn’t know how else to make him stop.

—

It seemed to ease him and he quieted quickly, though he kept his hold on Anders. He looked haunted, but a little relieved and became very still as he tried to orient himself to what was going on.

“It's alright, silly elf. You were dreaming.” Isabela knew he didn't like to be touched by anyone who wasn't Anders, but she very lightly ran a soothing hand over his arm.

\---

He reached for the hand, touching it and trying to ease his grip so he would let go. “It’s alright,” he repeated the pirates sentiment, knowing the spell would last long enough for him to wake up completely and then he would be back to normal.

“Hawke brought dinner for you, so why don’t we sit you up so you can eat?”

—

Fenris was still processing all of this and when he felt Anders touch his hand, he instinctively began to glow, wanting to soothe himself by soothing his lover. His face was unreadable and distant, not expressing anything that was going on in his head. When he didn't move, Isabela closed her hand around his glowing wrist and gave him a little tug. “Let's do what the handsome mage says. You'll feel better once you eat a little.”

\---

He sucked in a breath when he began to glow, his hand tightening. It took a few beats for him to regain himself, but when he did, he forced himself to let go of his hand. “Hawke, can you help get him up, I- I can’t.”  It really was remarkable, but he didn’t like that it was and he didn’t want to want to touch him.

—

Hawke was surprised, knowing Anders was more than capable of moving the lean elf even without Isabela’s help. But he moved to aid them anyway, helping to pry Fenris’ fingers from the robes. He took the warrior by the shoulders and Isabela helped ease his legs down so they could sit him up in a smooth motion. Hawke moved away when it seemed he was steady, but Isabela moved in closer to embrace him, not liking how he'd gone from being clearly upset to completely calm. His glowing ceased and he didn't return the hug, but he did rest his cheek on her shoulder for the moment. He needed to be held, this just wasn't who he needed it from.

\---

Since they had it handled, he went to grab the plate, bringing it over to him and setting in his lap so he could eat. “There you go…” He felt better with the rogues there to help him, even though he was fully capable of doing all of this on his own. He thought it was better that they be the ones to do this, to touch him and assist him, since it avoided giving into the elf’s desires to be close to him.

—

The pirate moved back so he could eat, but the elf only gave the food a glance. His eyes went back to Anders. “You have to be hungry. Go on, try some.” Isabela urged him, but didn't seem to get anywhere.

“Anders will let you stay with him another night if you eat.” Hawke tried and that seemed to work as he began to slowly lift a bite of chicken to his lips. It looked like it was hard work with how weak and heavy his arms felt, but he was willing to do it.

\---

The mage sighed under his breath, but said nothing. It was annoying that that worked, but better that he eat than not. He went to grab more water for him and ended up filling up a cup for himself as well, emptying half of it and setting it down so he could carry the elf’s over to him.

He set it on the work table beside him and moved away to give him space. Or to give himself space, same difference.

—

Fenris raised his eyes to Anders when he came near, but busied himself with eating again when he moved away. Hawke moved to go back to his seat to finish his meal but when Isabela tried to follow, Fenris reached for her, catching her by the arm. She waited to see what he had to say, but he just gave her a tug so she moved in closer instead. He pressed his lips to her ear in a way that gave her a very pleasant shiver, but she frowned when he began to whisper to her.

\---

He watched Hawke retreat and when Isabela started to as well, he opened his mouth to speak, but fell back into silence as he watched the exchange. His own lips tugged down a little, seeing her frown, and he waited expectantly, certain that he was going to find out what this was about momentarily.

\---

She whispered an answer to him and he looked displeased, but he released her. As the pirate moved back to Hawke, Fenris ate a couple more bites, but then put his plate aside. He would have liked to eat more, despite his mood, but he didn’t have the energy. Isabela had lost interest in her own meal, shifting what was left on her plate over to the other leftovers they would leave for the healer. “...I guess we should be going, then.” Hawke said after a beat of awkward silence when he realized Isabela was not going to share what she’d been told.

\---

His eyes followed her, remaining where he was, just as expectant. “What was that about?” he asked, not caring that he was asking right in front of the elf. He wasn't looking at him at all, waiting for the pirate to answer him and ignoring Hawke’s attempt at taking off.

\---

Fenris didn’t flinch at the question, not thinking Isabela would answer it honestly. He sipped at his water, then drank it with more enthusiasm as he realized that he was still very dehydrated.

“He just asked me to bring something for him. I don’t think it’s a good idea, though. He just needs rest and quality time with his favorite healer.” Isabela said with a slight smirk that didn’t reach her eyes. “We really should be going though. We can come back in a day or two to see if he’s ready to go.”

\---

Anders didn’t really believe her, but the subject of them leaving took precedence then. “I mean… you guys could stay for a bit.” It wasn’t as if they really had anywhere better to be and despite wanting to avoid listening to them talk about how he was meant to be with the elf - surely they’d drop it eventually, right? - he didn’t want to be left here alone with him. It was easier to put him out of mind with them here.

\---

“I’d love to, but we have a job tonight. We’re trying to bait some thugs that keep hassling an old shopkeeper in town tonight.” Hawke shrugged and added as an afterthought. “Maybe I can use the opportunity to find out where this ‘Jessen’ is and teach him a lesson about hanging out with criminals.”

\---

Okay, but what was another hour? Knowing that wasn’t really an argument he could voice, he let it go. “Fine, but can you help lay him down?” He didn’t want to touch him in case he got any ideas about grabbing onto him or lighting up.

\---

“Sure.” It seemed a fair deal, though he knew Fenris wouldn’t be thrilled about the mage getting out of helping him. Still, the elf didn’t put up a fuss when the rogue moved to him and helped to ease him down to his back. He set the cup and plate aside so Fenris had room to move if he felt up to it. When the elf gave him a weak wave, he smiled and returned it before heading toward the door with Isabela. “There, I think he’ll be settled for you for the night.”

\---

“Thanks and thanks for the food, too.” He appreciated it and as he moved to put it all away, he went on. “See you tomorrow.”  His wording was intentional, making sure he knew that he wanted to come the next day - not in a couple of days.

—

“We'll be back when we have a chance.” Hawke wasn't going to make any promises about coming back the next day. “Don't give away all of that food. You both need some decent meals after all this.” With that, he headed out, the pirate giving a wave and a wink before she followed after him.

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

As soon as they were gone, someone walked in as it were timed. Despite Hawke’s instruction to save the food, he ended up giving him a plate of what was still out after treating him and only when no one else entered immediately did he manage to put it away.

He returned to the elf to take his dirty dishes, his mind going over all of his symptoms. He didn’t want to think about him, but after what Isabela has suggested, he couldn’t help but reevaluate everything he’d seen since he showed on Hawke’s shoulder.

Had he really tried to kill himself over this? 

It was enough of a bother that he ended up pulling up a stool next to him, wanting to get to the bottom of this so that he didn’t have to mull over it for the rest of the time he was in his care.

“Do you always talk in your sleep?” he asked, deciding to start there and ease into the subject.

—

Fenris was resting, feeling a little better to have a full belly, and looked to Anders when he spoke. “Very rarely. You told me I did once in a great while. Usually when it's a nightmare. ...I take it that I was talking when you woke me?”

\---

That explained that and he assumed it explained the movement as well. He gave a hum of agreement, not wanting to go into it more than that, hoping that he’d forget and wouldn’t use his name again. It was violating, hearing something so private and personal from the lips of someone he couldn’t stand.

“I wasn’t sure if it was a symptom of what happened,” he explained, a lame attempt at bridging the topics. “Speaking of what happened, you never did tell me what happened to you.”

—

Fenris tensed at the change in topic visibly. “No, it was just a bad dream. And I don't want to talk about what happened. It...was a bad night.”

\---

“No? When I asked you before, you said something about how you’d ‘do anything for me’.” At the time he’d assumed he was speaking in general, not realizing that it could have been a hint of the truth. “If someone did this to you, I need to know so Hawke or Aveline can take care of them, so tell me what happened.” If that wouldn’t convince him to speak up… perhaps he could give the elf something he wanted in exchange for the truth.

—

“That is true. You are everything to me.” He said softly, lowering his eyes. It seemed that he would acknowledge what he'd said about doing anything for him, but he still wasn't prepared to speak about that night.

\---

“What can I do for you to tell me the truth?” he pushed, since all signs seemed to be pointing to a conclusion he didn’t want. “You want me to hold your hand?” It was nothing for him to do that and he preferred to that something else he might cook up.

—

Fenris looked up to him in surprise, not thinking he'd offer him contact. He nodded, wanting that, but that wasn't all. “Lie down with me for a little while? I can glow for you, it will help you relax…”

\---

He didn’t want to do that and his expression read so. “I can’t be laying down while the clinic is open - someone might come in.” It was an excuse - perhaps not a great one, but an excuse all the same.

—

“Maybe later, then.” Fenris lowered his eyes again, knowing that he'd likely keep coming up with reasons not to. He didn't want to talk about it, especially on the chance that Isabela could do as he asked and give him more of the, poison so he could stay here with Anders. But he desperately needed to hold his love, even if it was just for a few moments.

\---

He huffed and after a few moments, got up to put out the lantern once more. He shut and locked the door, returning to him with frustration blending into the reluctance in his expression. He ought to move him to a cot at this point, but if he was going to be laying down with him, this was the only place where there was enough room. It would be uncomfortable in more ways than one, but he gestured for him to scoot over and make room.

“Just for a few minutes,” he warned him, not wanting him to think this would be an extended affair.

—

“That's fine.” Fenris’ heartbeat picked up, hardly able to believe this was really about to happen. He shifted over enough to make space, shaking slightly from the exertion of doing so, and waited with eager eyes for the other to join him.

\---

The mage started by sitting on the edge of the table and easing himself down to lay on his side. He’d prefer to lay on his back, but there wasn’t really enough room for that. He was clearly uncomfortable, trying to keep a line of space between them, but the only place to rest his head was on the single pillow already in use.

—

Of course, the elf didn't want any space between them at all. When he was settled, he pressed in close and draped an arm around him. His flow of lyrium began and after a few beats of trying to keep it together, he began to weep into the mage’s shoulder.

\---

Though his own skin wasn’t bare, the feel of his lyrium was intense with nothing blocking the source. His eyes shut and a furrowed formed on his brow that only deepened when the elf began to cry.

“Fenris, stop.” He meant the lyrium, though he wanted him to stop crying as well. He breaths were quickly deepening and in spite of himself, he leaned some of his weight into him, following the draw that he didn’t want.

—

There was no stopping now that he'd begun. While he had this moment, he could almost pretend he had Anders back. That he’d l snapped out of this and everything was okay now. He wept quietly into his robes, his glow bright and strong in his distress.

\---

He repeated his name, weaker, unable to form the protest. At that point, he wasn’t even sure what he was protesting, a growing need to press closer coming from deep inside. A hand came to rest on his side, clutching at him, needing to brace himself as he leaned more and more of his weight into him, until the elf had all of it.

—

As Anders pressed in, Fenris clutched at him desperately, needing this so badly. It was so good to feel his body pressed flush with his again, to breathe in his scent. “Anders…” He whispered between sobs.

\---

He made a soft sound, his mind wiped of all of his concerns - even his reason for being in this position. It was so strong and his fingers pressed into the lines close to them, trying to soak up as much as he could. In the moment, though scarcely registering it, he understood why he might have wanted this, the entire embrace overwhelming, lyrium aside.

—

He began to stroke Anders’ back with the arm around him, his natural instinct when he heard the sounds that escaped the other. He wanted to make the mage comfortable. Most importantly, he wanted him to stay like this.

\---

He couldn’t get enough and he ended up ducking his head down, their cheeks pressing together. He’d not felt a body against his like this in years and the glow that normally would have frightened him was luring him in mindlessly.

There was so much contact that he couldn't hope to pull himself away, he couldn’t resist like he had before.

—

“My Amatus…” He breathed as their faces rested together. He knew it was dangerous to get greedy and scare Anders away, but he also knew that his mouth was a strong source of lyrium that his mage was addicted to. He turned his face just enough to press a light kiss to Anders’ cheek, hoping the lyrium from that contact would soothe him rather than upset him.

\---

He made another sound at the kiss, just as soft as before. Barely audible. The hand on his side reached, sliding around him, pressing against the slope of his back, near his spine, seeking more contact. As much as he wanted more and sought it, there was a feeling of contentment that he’d not experienced in a long time. To be honest, he’d never felt this content.

—

It sent his heart pounding when the kiss prompted Anders to pull him closer. He was still weeping, but he'd settled down considerably, drawing so much comfort from holding him. Very slowly, he pressed a couple more soft kisses to his cheek, working his way little by little toward his lips.

\---

He was aware of what was happening, but while it felt like this, he couldn’t bring himself to stop it from happening or to even remember that it shouldn’t be happening. He didn’t pull away and quite the opposite, he turned his lips closer to the elf’s, his own parting slightly.

—

He had been waiting for a sign that Anders wanted him to stop, but when he saw an invitation, he took it. He pressed his lips to the mage’s, feeling for a moment like all was okay in his world again. He kissed him deeply, pouring more lyrium into him this way than he possibly could have through his skin alone.

\---

He returned the kiss frantically, his tongue seeking his mouth instinctively, burying inside it and leaching as much as he could. He could taste salt beneath everything, but what it meant was lost to him. He didn’t know if the elf was still crying or if he’d calmed, all he knew was his mouth and the taste of the lyrium, as if he himself were a vein.

—

Fenris made a soft sound into the kiss, greeting his tongue with his own. He kissed him desperately, needing this more than he needed air. There was also the nagging in the back of his mind that this may be the last time he would get to kiss him. His hand gripped Anders’ robes with what little strength he had, trying to add more pressure where their bodies met.

\---

Anders felt what he was doing and used his own grip to keep him pulled him, his fingers touching his skin greedily. It seemed to go on and on, never enough, and even when there was a knock on the door, Anders wasn’t aware enough to do more than tilt his head the other way, so their lips met in a different configuration, his tongue sliding right back into his mouth.

\---

The knock had made him tense, dreading this spell being broken, but when he found Anders’ tongue right back in his mouth, he groaned softly. He savored his familiar taste, his fingers finally releasing their death grip on his robes to start untying it, needing to get at his bare skin. All of this was wonderful but he wanted more and he knew the skin-to-skin contact would be incredible for them both.

\---

He felt what the fingers were doing and somewhere in the back of his mind there was a finally flicker of awareness that this wasn’t something he wanted, but like his awareness of the knock, it was passing. He felt his robes loosening and as soon as he got a hint of the skin on his, he was helping him to pull it open, so his chest was bare.

\---

Fenris tugged impatiently at the robe once he had Anders’ help, pulling it down to his waist so they were both bare from the waist up. He ran his hands hungrily over the skin he’d revealed, tracing the torso he’d memorized long ago and had been missing desperately. His tongue explored the healer’s mouth the same enthusiasm, knowing it better than he knew his own and knowing just what Anders liked in a heated kiss.

\---

He groaned as soon as the hands were on his bare skin, the feeling of being touched something that he sorely missed and with the lines of lyrium leaving trails of sensation behind them, he couldn’t get enough. He hadn’t realized how desperately he needed contact and he was behaving like a man starved, trying to take everything he could get as if he might never get it again.

\---

It was so perfect and he wanted to stay in this moment as long as he could. He wanted more, of course, but for the moment, this was enough. The desperation he could feel in Anders made all of this even better and he tangled their legs together, wishing that they were entirely bare but pleased with the skin he was able to touch.

\---

On and on it went, the mage taking a long time to get his fill. Even when he did, the kiss merely softened, so their lips were meeting, rather than their tongues. He’d all but worn them raw and swollen when he finally broke it, his eyes opening to look at the man he was holding to so securely.

\---

Despite how long he’d kissed him, it still wasn’t enough and his heart sank when it broke. He hadn’t realized that at some point his tears had ceased and his eyes were dry when he met Anders’ gaze. He reached a glowing hand to run the backs of his fingers over Anders’ cheek. “I have missed you so…”

\---

He was visibly affected by the touch, his eyes losing a little of their focus, though it returned moments later. He said nothing in response, taking in everything that had happened and processing it. It was difficult to concentrate, but the growing unease in his expression made it clear that enough was getting through.

\---

“It’s alright, Amatus.” Fenris murmured as he saw the disquiet in Anders. His lips ached from kissing him so hard and so long, but it was all he could do to keep from leaning in and kissing him again. “It’ll be alright if we can just stay like this.”

\---

Still he said nothing, needing time to absorb all of this. With enough time, he realized he needed to stop absorbing this. He pulled back from him, though it seemed to take a lot of will to do so. When the contact broke completely, he was quick to rise to his feet, a hand rising to cover his face and the other grabbing at his robes to prevent them from sliding down his body as he regained himself completely.

After a few beats, he spoke in a deliberate, dangerous voice. “You knew that would happen.” That if he gave into the contact, he’d be overwhelmed. It was frightening, truth be told, how he’d been reduced to needing to take as much as he could from him, all logical thought gone.

\---

“Of course I did.” Fenris’ response was low and calm, but there was an ache to his tone. “Because we both need this. Because for a moment, everything was as it should be and you felt it too.”

\---

“Because you know that your lyrium affects me,” he snapped viciously, hand yank his robes back up, though it wasn’t lost on him that there was only one way he would know that. “That’s why you’ve wanted to touch me so badly. You knew I would lose control of myself.”

—

“It's not just the lyrium. It has never been just the lyrium.” Fenris insisted softly. “It enhances what I give you, but it's my touch that you need. That we both need. Before me it had been so long since you let anyone hold you…”

\---

He wasn’t wrong, but he refused to believe that it was anything but the lyrium. If he hadn’t been glowing, he wouldn’t have kissed him, he was sure of that much. “If I needed to be touched that badly, I’d just go to the Blooming Rose.” He didn’t need him, he didn’t need anyone.

\---

“That's not the same. You needed someone that loves you to do it. I love you more than anything and I can give you everything you need and more. I know just how to, I've spent the last years of my life finding new ways to make you happy.” His voice broke a little, his eyes glassy. “Please remember…”

\---

Despite what happened and how much it angered him, it was hard to keep the emotion up and he sank a little at the show of emotion. He hadn’t cared and hadn’t cared, ignoring tears and pleas, but with every interaction the elf was proving to be completely different from the man he knew. As much as he hated him - and how he hated him - it was becoming increasingly difficult to be callous towards his suffering.

“I don’t. I don’t remember and I’m sorry, okay?” He didn’t feel guilty, but he didn’t feel good. “I don’t know what happened to me, but I don’t remember you. I remember someone else. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but I cannot fathom returning your feelings. I can’t fathom that I or any version of myself felt that way for you.”

He, of course, was talking to the elf that he knew as he said that, all of his pent up loathing festering within him. He couldn’t see them as different people - technically they were and technically they weren’t.

\---

“That’s because I’m not who you think I am.” His insistence was desperate, wanting to get this through to him somehow. “Everything was so natural between you and I. All the pieces just fell into place. If you’d just give me a chance, you could see how different I am from who you’re thinking of...how easy it was for us to fall in love…”

\---

He gave a heavy sigh, looking away from him. For a while he said nothing, clearly thinking about all of this, and when he finally spoke, his voice was quieter. “And what if I did? What if I gave you want you want, fell in love with you, and then you just turned back?” Right back to the elf he knew? It wasn’t that he really thought it was a possibility, having come to the reluctant conclusion that it was him that was the problem. Still, he couldn’t help but to be waiting for everything to go back to how he knew it - it didn’t make sense for any of this to have happened the way it did.

\---

“I’d never change the way I feel about you. You’re my world. If you gave me the chance, I’d spend every waking moment trying to make you happy…” He couldn’t fathom ever being cruel to Anders. He wanted to hold him again, to try to show him physically how much he meant what he said. But for now, it was incredible enough just to be able to get this far in discussing it.

\---

“You say that, but you don’t get it, you blighted elf.” He didn’t understand where he was coming from. “Why do I remember you cursing me?  Threatening me? Hitting me?” It felt like it was just yesterday, despite the time that had passed in this peaceful - well, as peaceful as it was trying to avoid someone constantly - version of reality he found himself in. “Why is it only you? Why is Hawke fine? Why is Isabela fine? Why is everyone fine, but you? The person I’m supposedly in love with?”

\---

“I don’t know. I don’t know why you remember that and I know it’s real to you. But maybe the reason you only remember me differently is because of how strong your emotions for me were when everything changed.” It was the only reason he could think of, as awful as it was. “But that isn’t who I am. And I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for everything you feel I did to you if you’d let me…”

\---

He doubted that, but it was more of an explanation than he’d found so far. “If something happened to me…” He couldn’t help but shy away from answers he didn’t like, but if all of this was really in his head, he was holding on to something that wasn’t even real. But it felt real to him  and he couldn’t put it behind him like it never happened, even if it hadn’t. In an odd way, the truth that everyone else was offering scared him.

“If something happened to me, I need to find out what it is. It must be magical and maybe… maybe if I figure it out, I’ll go back to how you think I’m supposed to be.”

The prospect was upsetting to him, imagining that he would lose himself to this… other version. He couldn’t imagine suddenly remembering everything the elf was claiming, so he was imagining his consciousness changing into something else entirely, effectively killing who he was.

\---

“I will help you. I want to know what happened to you too.” If they knew what it was maybe it could be fixed. More importantly, they could prevent it from happening again. But it was also scary. Trying to use some sort of magic to fix this could make him lose Anders even more than he already had. “But in the meantime, I just want to be good to you. I want to show you how good we are together and maybe you’ll remember…”

\---

“If I’m going to find out what happened to me, I have to get answers from someone who knows a lot more about magic than I do.” He’d already consulted a fair amount of mages and no one knew anything. The conclusion he’d gotten was that it was magic, but a kind of magic they’d never heard of. “I’ll have to go to Tevinter,” he decided, knowing that if there were answers to be found, they would be there.

\---

“No.” He sat up abruptly and it was clear that he expended far too much energy in doing so. The color drained from his face and he swayed sharply, dangerously unbalanced since he was near the edge of the table. “No, you can’t go there…”

\---

“Lay down,” he told him, somewhat sharply. “If you want me to be back to how I was, then Tevinter is your best bet.” Not his best bet - he didn’t really want everything to change - but if everything he knew was wrong, he ought to try. That was the only thing that was fueling him. It wasn’t much, but trying to convince everyone to let it go wasn’t working, so he was never going to be able to move past this himself.

\---

“That place is death. I would never risk your life like that. Not for anything.” He was too upset to lie back down, but he struggled to keep his eyes focused. “You can write to someone there. You can buy books from them. Anything. Just don’t go. Please don’t go.”

\---

“Fenris, I’m not a slave.” The unspoken ‘like you’ was left out. “I know it’s not a risky place for elves or people without magic, but I’m a mage.” Even though he had his issues with Tevinter, a part of him would always admire it as a place where mages could be free - even if the power of the entire nation lay in the hands of blood mages. “I’ll be fine.”

\---

“That shows how little you know of Tevinter. Do you really think mages aren’t taken as slaves?” His tone took on a nervous, almost panicky edge at the thought. “If they perceive you weaker than them, they’ll break you and make you theirs. If they perceive you stronger, they’ll kill you to get rid of the competition. You can’t go, Anders. You’d never come back…”

\---

“You’re being ridiculous,” he snapped, growing impatient. “Not everyone that goes into Tevinter gets killed or thrown into slavery.” He shook his head, throwing an arm out towards the door. “I’m in much more danger here. Surely you’ve seen how Meredith looks at me when Hawke drags me along to talk to her?” If they got their hands on him when Hawke wasn’t there, he’d be Tranquil that day.

\---

“You're not. You have all of us here to protect you. In Tevinter it would be like every person you meet who isn't in chains is a templar.” It was an exaggeration, but Fenris didn't feel it was. “I...I’ll go with you. I'll go with you to keep you safe.” His voice was broken when he finished, knowing what returning to Tevinter would likely mean for him.

\---

Little as he knew about the elf, he knew the danger behind that offer. Anders didn’t think it was a danger for him to go to Tevinter, but the same wasn’t true for the elf. He wasn’t aware of how well-known he was, one of only a few slaves with lyrium skin, but he was an elf and an escaped slave at that. “Fenris,” he sighed, lifting a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Why do you have to make this so difficult for me?”

\---

“Because I love you and I'd give my life to keep you safe.” He couldn't let Anders go to Tevinter. There were other ways to get information from there. “Talk to Hawke. He might have a way of talking to a magic scholar in Tevinter without any of us having to go.”

\---

“Okay, and what if this scholar doesn’t have an answer? It doesn’t mean there isn’t one, it just means I wasted my time exchanging letters with someone who doesn’t know anything.” He shook his head, at a loss of what to say to convince the elf that this was what they needed to do. “I just.. I just want everything to go back to normal.” Normal was shit, but normal made sense.

\---

“I want that too. But I won't risk your safety to do it.” Fenris said softly. “But if you insist, I will go with you and protect you.”

\---

They wanted different normals, but Anders knew that his normal probably wasn’t the one they would be returning to. “I don’t understand you.” His voice was tired, knowing that he was talking in circles, but not knowing how else to express himself. “Why do you... feel that way about me?” All this talk of loving him and wanting to protect him. As far as he knew, they had little in common. He used to think they had some things in common and he’d tried to bridge the distance between them by telling him as such, but he’d had none of it. Eventually, Anders began to agree. “You hate mages, do you not? I cannot imagine that all it took was knowing me to change your mind.” Not when he was so fucking stubborn.

\---

“I hate blood mages. You showed me that mages aren't something to be feared and hated. You showed me that you being caught and made Tranquil would not be all that different from me being caught and having my memory wiped again.” His voice was still broken and full of emotion, but it was growing raw and strained now as well, needing water but far too caught up to ask for any. “You taught me to trust. You made me feel safe enough to start sleeping again. You made me want to feel things and stop drowning my emotions in alcohol. You taught me pleasure after so many years of Danarius using me. And you were gentle and patient through it all. You changed my entire life - how could I not feel this way about you?”

\---

He stared at him, not having expected… any of that. He stood there awkwardly, his weight shifting as he tried to figure out what to say in response. He ended up sitting back down on the stool, his eyes fixed on nothing in particular. “I...I see.” He’d talked about all the things he’d done for him - soothing his nightmares and keeping him safe - but he’d never mentioned the reverse. His fingers fiddled with his robes anxiously, a gesture the elf was probably familiar with if he knew him as well as he claimed to.

\---

“You're everything to me.” He'd said it before, but he couldn't help but say it again now. Exhaustion got the better of him and he dropped back down onto his pillow, the warm tears that seemed endless for him lately rolling slowly down his cheeks.

\---

“Justice. He was okay with all of that?” One thing that had never made sense to him about their claims was that he knew the spirit would have no tolerance for a relationship. When he’d fancied Hawke, Justice had made his feelings on the matter clear - the rogue was a distraction that they did not need and, when Hawke gravitated toward the pirate and the mage realized he had no chance, Anders still remembered the feeling of satisfaction when he finally gave up the candle he’d been holding.

He remembered Fenris calling Justice his friend and uncertainty he felt was reflected from within.

\---

“Not at first. At first he only thought I was a distraction. When we discovered what my lyrium does for you, he grumbled considerably less.” Fenris would have smirked at that if his heart wasn't so broken. “But the more we grew close, the more he supported us being together. He said you'd both been…’corrupted’ by anger and vengeance. And that being with me had brought you both closer to being who you really are again. He was content because we could still help the mage cause, but in a healthier way because you were happy.”

\---

Anders looked baffled by that, not recognizing this… corruption he was talking about. Sure, he’d become a lot more serious and insufferable since joining with him, but that was because he’d finally found something to give a shit about, something that so many people were indifferent to or in support of.

There was a pause and he shook his head. “Justice doesn’t know what you’re talking about. Neither do I. Corruption?” It sounded like the kind of ignorance the elf he knew might spew, alongside calling him an abomination.

—

“I never really understood it, but that was the word he used.” He gave a slight shrug. “It took some time, but he ended up very supportive of us being together.”

\---

He wasn’t sure he was willing to just let that go, but there was so much to think about. He ended up remaining silent, the cogs of his mind turning while he sat beside him quietly.

—

He felt as if he must have said something wrong, but he let the silence linger. He just nestled his head on the pillow and took the opportunity to rest while Anders thought it over. It was nice to at least talk about what they'd had, even if it wasn't helping him remember.

\---

When he did speak some time later, he ended up going with something that wasn’t particularly like himself, at least in regards to the elf. “Are you sure it wasn’t just the lyrium?” This was said in what could almost be called a joking tone, but there was some sincerity behind it. He was trying to cope with this and if he was going to really accept that they were right, that it was him, that he needed to be fixed, he needed to find some way to deal with it on his own terms.

\---

At that, Fenris actually managed a chuckle through his tears. “I wondered, at first.” There was also a hint of humor in his tone. He breathed a soft sigh. “I'm sure. He told me so and we both know he doesn't lie.”

\---

His fingers worked a little harder at the robes. “I meant me.” Not Justice, though he could see how he’d think that. The lyrium had affected him too much and that was when he hated him - how would it have affected him if he liked him? Was it the reason he liked him? He knew there had to be more to it than that, but he was looking for a way to explain this that made sense to him… even though none of this made sense to him.

\---

“No. I would tease you sometimes and say you only loved me for the lyrium. You usually teased back, but I think I actually offended you once or twice by asking.” He shook his head. “Sometimes you’d ask me not to give you any lyrium when we touched or...did more. Because it was distracting and you wanted to concentrate on just me.”

\---

It felt strange hearing about himself from someone else, things he should supposedly know, but didn’t. Even ignoring their history, or the history he knew, anyway, to be told that he was in love with someone that he didn’t have feelings for was uncomfortable. All of this was uncomfortable, but his resistance had finally given way. “What else do you know about me?” He already knew the one thing that he absolutely shouldn’t, so what else did he know?

\---

“A lot.” Maybe not everything. No one truly knew everything about anyone else, as far as he knew. But they’d spoken at great length when their friendship was blossoming. “I know about the day they came to take you from your home when you were a boy. And the pillow you had gotten to keep from your mother - it’s still at home, by the way. I know about the times you’d escaped before they made an example of you. The things they did to you. The cat that helped you hold on to your sanity. I know about your time in the Wardens. How much you admired the Hero of Ferelden. About how you met Justice and the decision you made to join together.” He could go on forever and he knew it likely wouldn’t make much difference to Anders how much he knew, he’d probably just be creeped out by it as he was the knowledge of his name. “But that’s all history. I know plenty about you now too. I know how much you appreciate a warm cup of tea on a chilly day and rich foods after years of forced healthy eating. The way you stretch out like a cat when you wake up in the morning. I know the meadow where you pick your herbs and how you like to sit out there and enjoy the fresh air on a nice day…”

\---

His eyes finally fixed on him, dumbfounded. There was a deafening silence that filled the room and slowly, so slowly, his vision began to blur and he had to blink the emotion away. No one knew that much about him. No one except the being he shared his mind with. He rose to his feet and made to the chest he kept his important things in, opening it and digging for the pillow.

It wasn’t there.

Of course it wasn’t there. He ended up slumping on the floor beside it, hand resting on the rim of it, staring at nothing.

\---

“I’ll give it back to you once I’m well. I’m sure you’d rather have it here.” It pained him to say it, but he felt he needed to offer anyway. Anders didn’t live with him anymore and the mage would want the remaining possession from his childhood back.

\---

Anders didn’t really hear him. He’d said something, but whatever it was was lost on him. He’d barely registered that much. He didn’t know what to do with all of that information. That proof. It meant that he was right, that everything he knew was wrong. That the years he remembered weren’t real -

Before the despair could overwhelm him, he was given a welling of comfort and solidarity that he desperately needed.

\---

“...Anders?” He tried to push himself to sit up to get a better look at him, but he only managed to get up to his elbow. The silence was unnerving. But perhaps he was really listening to him. Perhaps he was actually starting to believe some of this.

\---

Still, he didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to think or what to feel. The fear of the elf was gone and in some way, so was the fear of the truth. The fear of what would happen if all of this reversed was still there, but wasn’t that ideal for everyone? If he forgot all of this and went back to what he was ‘supposed’ to be?

There was no ‘supposed’ to it, was there?

He folded his arms in front of him, resting them on the rim of the chest so he could lower his forehead to them.

\---

When he didn’t answer him, Fenris lowered himself back down to settle on the pillow. It was a lot to take in and he needed to give the mage time to process it. “I’m here, if you want me. I’ll hold you, with or without lyrium, if it will help.”

\---

When it seemed like he wasn’t going to offer him anything, he finally spoke, though his voice was distant. “I don’t know what to do.” He didn’t know how to move forward - he’d spent all of his time trying to prove that nothing had happened between them and, despite his talk of finding the truth and fixing his memory, most of his desire to go to Tevinter had been the vain hope that it he would be proven right. 

\---

“I don’t either. But we’ll figure it out.” He really didn’t know what they could do. As much as he wanted his Anders back, it was an immense relief to as least be believed by him and he would settle for that for now. “I can help in the meantime. I can show you why our relationship is worth trying to remember.”

\---

None of this changed how he felt, or he didn’t think it did, so he didn’t know what to say. He was at a loss and more than anything, he wanted to be alone. The elf seemed to be fine, but he knew it might not remain that way, so he couldn’t send him away or take a step out himself.

“You’re going to show me how to stop hating you?”

\---

“...You still do?” He should have known he still did. That telling him all of it wouldn’t be enough to change that. But still he’d hoped and the deep disappointment came through in his tone. “Yes. I’ll do my best, anyway. Maybe you can’t stop hating me now, but I can try to show you how good it was…”

\---

“What if I was the one that was right?” he asked him, framing it from a completely hypothetical standpoint. “What if we found out that you’re wrong, that everything I know is right. Would that change how you feel?” Never mind anyone else, he was making a point.

\---

“I would spend the rest of my life trying to repent to you for all I did to wrong you. It wouldn’t matter that I don’t remember doing it. I’d beg your forgiveness and still try to bring you home.” Perhaps he would have to make up for those sins, even if he didn’t commit them. But he was willing to just the same.

\---

“So no,” he summarized for him. “Your feelings wouldn’t change.” He turned his head from where it was resting, looking over at him. “How do you expect mine to change just like that?” It was minimizing everything he’d experienced and even if those experiences were all made up, they were there. He couldn’t ignore or forget them because he’d learned better.

\---

There wasn’t much he could say to that. He could only do his best to change his mind, no matter how long it took. “...I can’t expect that of you. I can only try to give you reasons to hate me less.” He turned his face to bury it into the pillow, trying to hide at least some of his pain from the other as fresh sobs hit him. Somehow getting through to him and still being hated was almost worse than the vicious dismissal of the mage before.

\---

“...I’m sorry.” Unlike the times he’d said it before, the apology was genuine. He couldn’t imagine being in his position - the thought of the reverse was ridiculous to consider - but he imagined that it would be awful be to hated by someone you loved through no fault of your own. It was barely registering that the elf loved him, really loved him, with so much going through his mind. He looked ill and as if the chest was the only thing keeping him up.

\---

“I…” He tried to speak, but there was nothing to say. Even if there was, it wouldn’t have been able to come through in his grief. He clutched his pillow, using it to muffle the deep, hard sobs racking him.

\---

With the elf losing it, he turned his eyes back down to the chest. He wasn’t looking for anything this time, but as he stared at everything inside, he realized the pillow wasn’t the only thing missing. There were a few things missing and when he saw that included his manifesto, his mind went to what the elf had told him before. That he’d been teaching him to read and that they’d been reading it together - of course it wasn’t here either.

He buried his head back into his arms, the slight watering of his eyes returning.

\---

Fenris wept for a long time, needing to get this fresh wave of mourning out of his system. When he finally quieted, he shifted to rest his cheek on a dry patch of pillow and closed his eyes. He had thoroughly exhausted himself and he quickly slipped into a light sleep. His lips were parted, his nose too clogged from all the crying, and he breathed slowly with only an occasional hitch.

\---

It was only after it’d been quiet for a while that the mage could gather himself. He shut the chest and rose to his feet, making his way over to his desk he could sit. He didn’t know how much sleep he would be getting tonight, so he decided to continue what he’d been doing all along - reading books to try and find an answer. This time, trying to find the answer that he didn’t want, but had finally accepted.

\---

Fenris was peaceful as he rested, his sleep mercifully dreamless. It might have been nice to dream of being back home with Anders. But when he woke, he'd be grateful for the lack of nightmares if nothing else.


	9. Chapter 9

****

The night had been more peaceful than the last, though he did still wake Anders up in the night with another seizure. He was only vaguely aware that the mage had sat him up and given him water, not having fully woken up at any point, but he still thanked his love in the morning. He had tried to drink plenty of water in the morning and had eaten more of what Hawke had brought over for them. He was feeling a little better and after he’d finished his breakfast, he laid back down to rest up. Perhaps he could even get to his feet and try a little walking, with Anders’ help, after he’d had a little more to eat in the afternoon.

He was resting his eyes when the first knock came at the door in the morning, prompting him to open them and look to the door. It was a light, quiet knock, certainly not the urgent pounding of an emergency, and he was quick to close his eyes again.

\---

In the end, Anders had ended up napping at his desk through the night. He’d woken up a handful of times, returned to what he was doing, then passed back out. The seizure had kept him up the longest, but after he’d helped him get some water into him and put him back to sleep, he’d ended up sleeping through the rest of his night himself.

The mage was quiet in the morning, taking care of him without saying much to him. He had a little to eat himself, though like the previous night, he took only enough to stop his hunger pangs. After putting it back away, he tried to clean himself up a bit, using a rag and some water and soap behind the screen he normally kept his cot at. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a proper bath, but maybe it hadn’t been all that long ago and he just didn’t know it.

Those kinds of thoughts had been plaguing him all morning.

He was looking a little better, his hair freshly brushed and tied up, when the knock at the door had him making his way over to open it. Before he would have hoped to see Hawke on the other side, ready to take the elf off his hands, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to face him after only just accepting that they were right.

\---

On the other side of the door was a young girl. Her emaciation made it hard to guess her age, but by her height, she looked to be older than ten, but probably not a teenager. Her clothes were baggy and tattered and her arms were colorful in bruises in various stages of healing. When she saw Anders, she flinched back a little instinctively though she’d known that the healer in Darktown was a man. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it again, looking too frightened to even greet him.

\---

He’d seen pretty much everything there was to see in his life, but the sight of the girl still caught his breath. The children were always the hardest to reconcile and when they came to him looking as she did, it broke his heart. It wasn’t something that showed, maintaining a presence of calm and warmth and leaving the difficult emotions for when he was alone. “Come in,” he insisted, opening the door to allow her to step past him. He hadn’t missed her reaction to him and he figured she’d be frightened of anyone with the state she was in.

\---

It took the girl a few beats to move and she stepped quickly into the clinic. She startled again to see the elf on the table, but he looked to be sleeping so he didn’t hold her attention long. She turned her eyes back to Anders, keeping a little distance from him and clasping her hands together in front of her.

\---

He shut the door behind her, unsure if he was going to open the clinic today or not. Moving closer, he met her gaze, taking in her body language and after some consideration, he addressed her. “What’s your name?” He didn’t recognize her, but that was not surprising to him. Sure, he had a lot of regulars, people that had lived in Darktown for years, but new people wandered in all the time.

\---

“...Violet.” Her voice was as quiet at her knocking had been. She seemed to relax only a little with the door closed. She didn’t want anyone to know that she’d come here which would certainly get her in trouble.

\---

“Violet,” he repeated, offering her a little smile. “I’m Anders.” Though he never hesitated to give his name, the people often referred to him as ‘Healer’. He didn’t mind - it was for the best that his name not spread, even though the people of Darktown were good about keeping his presence hidden.

It definitely helped that Varric was paying the Coterie off to leave him alone.

“I can see that you’re hurt and I know that’s why you came.” Obviously, but he was talking her through it, since seemed so scared. “Why don’t you take a seat on one of the tables so I can look at you?” He gestured to the other work tables he had, giving her free choice of which she wanted to go to.

\---

She wanted to tell him that she wasn’t hurt, but she knew better than to argue with an adult. “Yes, ser.” Violet moved to the closest work table and sat down on it. Doing so hiked up the frayed bottoms of her pants and though she had a little bruising on her legs as well, it was not nearly as bad as her arms.

\---

He moved in then, approaching her. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” He could tell that many of the bruises were old, so they weren’t anything that happened recently, but he imagined there was something specific that had brought her to him. Were it someone who was more familiar with his care, he would have started right in with magic, but he wanted to make sure she was comfortable before he began to work on her.

\---

She tensed a little when he approached her, but for the most part she seemed calm. She didn’t think he wanted to hurt her. The girl looked down to her hands in her lap. “I’m in trouble. Dada doesn’t know yet, but he’s going to be really mad at me.”

\---

He found that curious, but didn’t show it. “Why are you in trouble?” he asked, trying not to jump to any conclusions.

\---

The question made her eyes well with tears. For a few moments, it seemed like she wasn’t going to answer him. But eventually, her fingers moved to lift her shirt, showing a small, swollen belly. “I was supposed to drink the tea. I tried but it made me sick to my tummy. He’s going to be so mad…”

\---

He stared at her in silence, eyes fixed on her stomach. He moved in close enough to touch her, though he refrained from doing so. “Can I look at you? It won’t hurt, I promise.” He was sick to his stomach, but still he didn’t show it. The warmth was a little more strained, though, and he wanted to make sure she was comfortable with him examining her.

\---

“Yes, ser.” She was never out of the house much, but she’d heard about the healer. Most everyone on this side of town had. He made all kinds of problems go away, so she’d come here in hopes that he’d somehow be able to fix this one too and quickly.

\---

With her permission, he finally placed a hand on her stomach. Eyes shut, he send a pulse of magic into her, getting a sense of the life inside her and how far developed it was. With that in mind, he moved his hand elsewhere, checking her for injuries and, since he was already using magic, healing the bruises as he passed over them.

“Violet, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to take off your clothes so I can see everywhere you’re hurt.” He could sense a lot of them, but it was easier to work by sight with things like bruises or cuts.

\---

“...As long as you don’t tell my Dada. He’d be really mad.” She gave the elf on the other table a distrustful glance, since she knew the healer’s intentions but not the other man’s, but Fenris was still just resting there so she quickly went back to paying him no mind. She quickly went about taking off her clothes, revealing skin stretched over bones. She had bruises and scrapes scattered over most of her, but they were concentrated on her arms, buttocks, and thighs. Her vulva, which didn’t have even a bit of hair on it yet, was swollen and she had an old tear by her vaginal opening that had never fully healed. She kept her head down and folded her hands again, looking sheepish as if she was also going to be in trouble with the man examining her.

\---

He took in a deep breath and then began healing her. When it came to her groin, he used the magic at a distance, so as to not touch her where she’d already been abused. By the time she was done, she looked better, though still starved. “Here…” Rather than have her put her clothes back on, he grabbed a blanket and placed it over her shoulders so she could cover herself up with it. “We’re going to talk about this, okay?”

He went to grab some food for her, piling a plate up with enough that it would fill her up without being too much. He carried it over, along with a cup of water, and set it down beside her.

“Before that, I want you to eat.”

\---

Violet wrapped herself up with the blanket and when he came back with food, her eyes lit up. She quickly set into it after thanking him repeatedly, eating greedily though she stopped rather abruptly when she was halfway through the plate. She set the rest aside and looked back to Anders. “...Is it okay if I take the rest of that with me? My siblings haven’t had meat in a while.”

\---

He held in a weary sigh when she mentioned siblings. “It’s okay, finish up your plate. I have plenty of meat and we’ll make sure we save some for them.” He waited for her to follow his instruction and as soon as she did, he went on. “How many siblings do you have? Where are they?” Home, he assumed.

\---

“Three. I have to get back home soon, I left Benny in charge but he doesn’t watch Dee that closely.” She licked her fingers clean when she finished her plate, so full she felt almost ill despite not having eaten all that much.

\---

He nodded, taking the plate for her and setting it aside. “Violet, you know that what your father is doing to you is wrong, don’t you?” He wouldn’t be shocked if she was ignorant to her abuse, but he wanted to believe she knew that she shouldn’t be being violated. It would make what was going to come next easier or so he hoped.

\---

“Yeah. But it’s only because Mama left us. He said when we get a new mama I won’t have to take care of him or my brothers and sister anymore.” She’d been well informed that the change in their lifestyles had been entirely her mother’s fault. Considering that until she’d left Violet had just been a nuisance to her father, she believed it.

\---

“No, no. No ‘only because’, it’s wrong. Even if your mother’s gone, he’s a bad man for hurting you and abusing you.” He met her gaze firmly, his own conveying how serious this was. “You can’t stay with a bad man like him and neither can your siblings.” He wasn’t going to let her go back home unless it was to collect her siblings and in that case, he would be going with her to make sure they were safe.

\---

She shifted uneasily, not sure how to take the thought of not being able to stay with her father. “He’s all we have with Mama gone. I’m the woman of the house now. I just need you to help me make the baby stop growing so I don’t get in trouble. We don’t have enough food for another one.” She also didn’t have a healthy enough body to support another life safely for herself or the child, but she didn’t know that. Her mother had been thin when she’d carried her siblings and she didn’t see the difference in how much younger she was.

\---

He gave her a sad smile. “We’ll talk about that later,” he assured her, knowing that it would be a necessary procedure. She was too young to be carrying a child and as much as it pained him to do it, sometimes it was for the best. “Does your father hurt your siblings? Or does he only hurt you?” He was wondering if he could convince her by making it about the safety of her family.

\---

“We all get in trouble if we’re loud or if there’s a mess…” It was her best way of answering. She wasn’t sure if their father’s pulling them around by their arms or his spankings really counted as being hurt. “But I’m the one who has to be like Mama now.” As far as taking care of the others as well as her father.

\---

“How would you feel if your father started treating your siblings like he treats you? You wouldn’t want that, would you?” His eyes were still fixed intently on hers, grave, but supportive.

\---

Violet’s eyes became glassy again and she shook her head, lowering her eyes. “No. I just hope we have a new mama soon. Dada wasn’t so mean when she was here.”

\---

“Is it okay if I give you a hug, Violet?” he asked softly, wanting to give her comfort, but only if she was willing to accept it. If she wasn’t comfortable with being touched, then he understood and keep his distance.

\---

“Yes, ser.” That made the tears spill down her cheeks. She couldn’t remember the last time a grownup had given her a hug. She pulled her arms out of the blanket she’d shrouded herself in and opened them a little, timidly inviting him to hug her.

\---

He closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms, holding her securely to his chest. “It’s alright,” he assured her. “You were very brave to come to me and I’m going to make sure you’re taken care of, okay? I’ll find a safe place for you to stay where you won’t be hurt and you won’t be starving.” He stroked a hand through her hair, trying to let his touch be as much of a reassurance as his words.

\---

“Who’s going to take care of my Dada? Who will take care of the house?” She sounded anxious and she clung to him, burying her face into his robes. She wept softly but it was clear in the way she melted into him despite him being all but a stranger to her that she was soothed by his touches.

\---

“I don’t want you to worry about him, he doesn’t deserve it. He’s a bad man, remember? Even if he’s your father, he’s a bad man and you don’t deserve to be hurt the way you are. You have to take care of your siblings and that means taking them where they’re safe from him.” He would hold her for as long as she wanted him to, so he got comfortable with her in his arms, waiting for her to indicate that she’d had enough.

\---

“He’s still my Dada. Someone has to be there for him.” She sniffled and showed no sign of releasing the mage. She’d never had a man hold her like this, but it reminded her of how it felt when her mother was still at home and would hold her this way.

\---

“Even so,” he insisted, “you have to do what’s best for you.” He knew well that children would take a lot from their parents, their love so sweet, so naive. “Your father is an adult, he can take care of himself. He doesn’t need you to take care of him, he just wants you to think that he does.” Since she seemed comfortable and in need of affection, he gave her a kiss at her crown. It wasn’t often he would go so far, even with the children he took care of, but it wasn’t often he was dealing with something like this.

\---

She’d always taken her father’s word for it, but it made sense. She could take care of the house and she was just a kid. He was a grown up, so why couldn’t he take care of himself even if there wasn’t a woman in the house? She nodded and for a long time she was still, just soaking in what comfort she could get from his affection. Eventually she seemed to feel a little better and she pulled back enough to meet his gaze again. “Where can we live?” She doubted anyone around here had space for four children, even if one could take care of the others.

\---

He loosened his hold on her, letting her go when she seemed to accept what he was saying. “I’ll have to talk to some people, but I know that I can find a place for you to go, alright? For now you can stay here, but first we need to go get your siblings.” He wasn’t going to let her go alone, but he didn’t intend on making himself known unless he had no choice.

\---

“Okay…” Her father might still be working so maybe he wouldn’t even notice if she came home and took the others with her. She reached for her clothes she’d taken off earlier, starting to dress though she still chose to keep hold of the blanket he’d given her.

“Anders…” Fenris murmured from where he was lying. He’d been listening, though his eyes had been closed, and he tried to gesture the healer closer to him with a nod.

\---

He was about to suggest that she dress and he was glad to see her take the initiative. He glanced over at the warrior at the unexpected sound of his voice, having forgotten he was there during all of this, and hesitated. “Let me know when you’re ready, okay?” he told her, before moving over to him.

“I have to go. I’ll be back soon, so just try to rest.” He doubted he would have a seizure while he was gone, but if he did… this was more important.

\---

“I will.” Fenris wasn’t surprised that Anders would want to go with the girl and he was glad for it. He’d be fine on his own and if he felt a seizure coming on, he’d just try to ease himself down to the floor before it got bad. “Do you know Lady Margo?” He’d introduced the mage to her, but with the mage remembering so much of the last years differently, he couldn’t remember if he’d at least know where she lived.

\---

The question confused him. “I know of her.” She seemed like a good women from what he’d heard, so he sometimes sent people her way if he didn’t have enough food to give out. He knew she lived in Hightown, though he only had a vague idea of where, having been told by a few people who stopped in to see him. “Why?”

\---          

“She might take them in. She’s not well enough to look after little children, but people are in her house day and night to work for their meals. They’d have somewhere to sleep, plenty to eat, and there would always be adults there if they needed one.” It might not be ideal, but it might provide a temporary solution until they found someone who would take the children and raise them properly.

\---

It certainly didn’t sound ideal, but it was a thought. He couldn’t keep children here for long, unfortunately, and it would be better to get them out of Darktown, far from where their father might find them. If he gave him the opportunity to find them at all…

“I will speak to her,” he agreed, thinking that if she wouldn’t take them in, then perhaps she would have an alternative for them. “I’ll be back,” he repeated, giving him a final look, before heading back to the girl. “Almost ready?” he asked, as he grabbed his staff and secured it to his back.

\---

“I’m ready.” She set the blanket down and looked up to him, her brow furrowed. “We have to be sneaky. We’ll be in big trouble if Dada finds out I came to see you.”

\---

“We will be,” he assured her. “I’m going to stay outside, but if there’s any trouble, I want you to call for me, okay? I’ll protect you.” He wasn’t worried about the man - he could hold his own against most men. There were few that could overpower him and with Justice behind him, he had nothing to fear.

He walked to the door with her, seeing her out. He locked it behind him, since sometimes people tried to get in without knocking. Not often, but it happened.

\---

“Okay, I’ll call for you.” Though she doubted that in the moment she’d remember that there was some help to call for. Violet lead the man through Darktown, taking him to a house that was much too small for five people, but of course that wasn’t unusual for this side of town. She stepped inside, leaving the door open to reveal a tiny sitting area that was fairly clean considering the ratio of children to adults in the home. There was the sound of hammering coming from a room on one end of the house, but Violet went toward another room, knowing that the children would be playing as far away from their father’s workroom as they could get.

\---

He glanced inside the house, but quickly moved out of the way of the door. He stood next to it, so he wasn’t visible from the inside. He could hear the hammering and he ended up pulling off his staff and holding it in his hands, just in case. He had to resist the overwhelming urge to go inside and show the man what it was like to be hurt by someone you couldn’t hurt back.

\---

It wasn’t until a little voice squealed Violet’s name in delight that the hammering stopped. After a few beats of silence the man, who was rather young himself to be the father of so many, came stomping through the house to the room where the children were gathered. “You can’t just run off in the middle of the day like that. Did you at least bring back some bread?” The man’s voice was exasperated and whatever Violet’s stammered excuse was, it wasn’t loud enough to carry to the front door.

\---

The mage’s hands tightened on his staff, jaw clenched, but he fought the urge to move inside. It wouldn’t help for him to escalate things, not if she could convince him to go back to whatever he was doing. There needn’t be a scene.

\---

There was the sound of a couple hard smacks, but they ceased almost as quickly as they began. He hadn’t gotten a good look at her rear when he’d started disciplining her, but he saw it now and his hand stopped mid-swing. “Where have you been, Violet?” His tone was as nervous as it was accusatory, knowing there had been bruises on her when she’d mouthed off to him a couple days prior and had been made to lower her pants and take a beating just like this one.

\---

At that, all concern about preventing an incident went out the window. He moved into the house and, as small as it was, he found  where the family gathered together within a few steps. As soon as he laid eyes on the man, he recognized him as someone that had come into his clinic before and knowing that he’d treated this piece of shit somehow made all of this worse.

He sneered at him, tipping his staff towards him. “Get away from her.”

\---

The man looked stunned to see the healer just walk right into his house and he looked between his daughter and the mage. “Make yourself decent.” He snapped at Violet, but before she could tug her pants back up, he used his grip on her wrist to tug her back behind him, putting himself between Anders and all of his children. “These are my babies and this is none of your business. If you want me to pay you since she came to bother you, you can have everything I’ve got.” When the youngest, a toddler girl squealed a greeting to Anders and tried to get closer to see him better, the man caught her by the back of her shirt with his free hand and tugged her back behind him again.

\---

“I’m not going to tell you again.” If he didn’t get away from them, he was going to make him and though he didn’t want to hurt the man in front of his children, he would if it came to it. This was a side of him that few in this place had seen, always the kind and caring healer that worn himself to the bone to help of those around him - he could be firm when he wanted to be, when dealing with troublemakers and the like, but this was something else.

“If you care about your children at all, you’ll get away from them and let me take them to someone safe.”

\---

His eyes became glassy but he stood his ground, feeling one of his boys clinging to his leg though the others had retreated further back into the room, Violet keeping hold of Dee to keep her from running into the fray. “They’re my babies. They’re all I have left of her. It’s been rough, but it’s all gonna be fine when Rosa comes home.”

\---

He felt no sympathy for him, but sensing an opportunity to keep this from getting out of control, he continued to speak to him. “If Rosa knew how you are with your children, what you do to them, do you think she would want to come home?” He didn’t know what the situation was with her or why she left, but he could see he was a mess from it. It didn’t excuse his actions and he still felt the need to destroy his face with his fist, but he knew how to keep a level head when need be - ironically one of the few that could always make him lose it was currently waiting for him in his clinic.

\---

“She’d want to come home even less if she knew I let someone take our kids away.” He put up his fists, though the sight of it was a joke, really. He looked tired and just as thin as his children. “You can’t just come in here and try to take them. They’re mine.”

Violet inched forward and pulled her brother away from their father’s leg, trying to keep the younger children rounded up and out of the way until they might have a good opportunity to make a run for it.

\---

Since talking to him wasn’t going to do it, he sent a glyph at his feet, freezing him in place. “Violet, go. I’ll meet you at the clinic.” He wasn’t going to leave until he made damn sure this man wasn’t going to try and find them.

\---

“Come on.” She got each of her siblings to hold hands and the four of them made their way around their frozen father. Violet cast a nervous glance at the man, afraid he’d break out of the spell at any moment and grab her, but the others just kept their heads down and moved along. The exception was Dee who help up the line to try to stop and look up at Anders, only to be tugged along by her brother so they could all get out of the house quickly.

\---

He gave them a minute or so to put distance between them and the house, before he unfroze him. He didn’t hesitate to send crackling rush of energy at him, enough to throw him back. His skin began to glow, Justice attempting to break through, but the mage held him back. Barely.

“You are a disgusting man,” he growled, his voice doubled, “You’re going to stay away from them, all of them, or I am going to come back here and burn your house down with you inside it.” The threat was made for show, never intending to go through with something so drastic, but he would kill him, certainly.

\---

The man cried when he was thrown back and he cowered at the sight and sound of the mage threatening him. “They’re my babies…” He croaked, though he didn’t sound like he was even considering putting his fists up to fight like he did earlier. “I have to protect them.”

\---

“Protect them by staying away from them, I will not warn you again.” It took everything in him to stand down, but the light slowly faded from his skin, leaving the mage standing there alone, as outraged as he’d been since he’d found out about this. Unlike before, he had no problem letting it show while he was alone with him.

\---

The man buried his face in his hands and sobs, in fear and in loss. He had no more arguments to make. He hadn’t been good to his children since Rosa left, but they belonged to him. He didn’t think anyone had the right to take them, but the healer obviously had more than enough power to do so.

\---

With that, he turned and made his way out of the house, leaving the man to wallow in his misery. He made his way back to the clinic, moving quickly, wanting to make sure the children were waiting for him there and safe.

\---

The children had all made it back to the clinic and by the time Anders returned, Violet was trying to talk to the two young boys, who were both weeping and didn’t understand what had just happened. Dee, who almost never got out of the house even more so than the others, was craning her neck and trying to see everything she could from the vantage point she had outside the clinic door. She would have liked to wander, but Violet kept a hold of one of her hand. When she saw Anders come back, the toddler smiled and finally pulled free, raising her arms up to the stranger asking him silently to lift her.

\---

He’d put his staff away at that point, so when he came up to the children and was given gesture from the toddler, he went ahead and lifted her up, putting her on his hip. “Come on, let’s go inside, I bet you’re all hungry.” He pulled out a key with his free hand and unlocked the door, letting them all in.

\---

The younger boy seemed especially hesitant to go inside, but Violet shepherded all of them inside. The toddler clung to Anders, seeming quite happy to be held by anyone, and looked around in wonder at the small clinic as if it was something magnificent to her. Fenris watched them come in, pleased that the seemed to make it back without much incident but it was still unsettling to see so many emaciated children.

\---

He didn’t have a proper table for them to sit at to eat, but after he shut the door behind them, he set the little girl down so he could grab a couple of blankets and spread them out on the floor close to the door, where there was rarely any blood or bile spilled. He got to work, making them all plates with the food that he had, making it go much faster than Hawke had intended, but he knew the rogue would agree completely with what he was doing with it.

“Come along - breakfast is ready.” It was a bit closer to lunch at this point, but he’d probably end up feeding them again in a few hours and that could be their ‘lunch’.

\---

Despite how upset the boys appeared, they seemed to forget their distress for a moment when they saw proper food laid out for them. The toddler was busy exploring, the strange man on the table holding her curiosity longer than the rest. But even she was helpless to resist the siren song of food. She toddled over to the indoor picnic setting and dropped down to eat her share.

\---

He was going to have to get Lirene to fetch someone to help him. He wanted to get the children out of Darktown, but he needed to take care of Violet, so he didn't want to drop her off with them just yet. He didn’t know what Hawke or Isabela were up to, or if they even intended on stopping by today, as he’d asked them to, but maybe Varric or Aveline was free to come pick them up. He wanted someone that would be able to fight the man off, should their father get any idea of trying to pursue them.

Since it was close to lunch, he went ahead and brought a little more food and water to Fenris, setting it down beside him.

\---

Fenris slowly worked himself to sit up slowly, eager for the meal. It was good to watch the little ones eat, knowing that they likely hadn’t had such a full meal in a long time. “I can stay awake with them if you need to go to Lady Margo.” He wasn’t sure he was any good on his feet yet if they were to need him to get up, but it was probably more supervision than they were used to anyway.

\---

“That’s alright, they can stay here a little longer.” He didn’t want the only thing standing between them and anyone else to be the ill elf. Since he was there, he decided to check him over and, though he already knew he’d let him, he asked permission all the same.

\---

“Of course, Amatus.” He was still, not at all minding the diagnostic magic the other would use. His condition was still improving, especially the more he was eating and drinking. He was still clearly weak and his head was aching deeply, though he hadn’t given a word of complaint about it. Anders had bigger things to worry about today. The electrical activity in his nerves and in his mind was still erratic and threatened to go haywire as it had often in the last couple days, but it was easing the more he could keep calm and the more he kept water down.

\---

He checked him over, satisfied to see some progress. Whatever happened with the elf, he wanted him up and out of the clinic sooner rather than later. When he was done, he straightened up, his eyes flicking up to his face. “I imagine I don’t want to know what it is you keep calling me, do I?” He used it enough that there was some curiosity, but he had an idea of what it would be.

\---

“It’s a term of endearment. A Tevene equivalent to the ‘love’ you used to call me all the time.” He said this with a sad smile. He doubted Anders would ever call him that again and he missed it dearly.

\---

That was about what he expected and he just gave him an uncomfortable look, before turning away from him. He went to where the children were eating, looking them over. “Does anyone else have any bumps or bruises for me to fix up?” he asked, dropping down to a crouch that saw his knees popping. He imagined that Violet wasn’t the only one, so he wanted to do what he could for them before he sent them on their way.

\---

All of the children had some degree of bruising visible on their arms, even the toddler. But of course there would be more beneath their clothing from their spankings. At first it seemed none of the children were going to speak up, not even Dee though it was only because she was too busy stuffing her face like she’d never seen food before. It was the older of the two boys who finally managed to meet the healer’s eyes, his own eyes puffy from crying. “If I let you look at me, can we go home?”

\---

“What’s your name?” he asked softly, knowing she’d mentioned a boy earlier. He imagined this was him, but he couldn’t quite remember what she’d called him.

\---

“Benny.” He answered quietly, his eyes dropping when his question wasn’t answered. They probably weren’t going to be allowed to go back home. “But I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.”

\---

“That’s good advice, Benny, so let me introduce myself. I’m Anders.” Like he had with Violet, he was starting slow and simple. “I know you’d like to go home, but your home isn’t safe place for you. I want to take you somewhere where you’ll never be hit by anyone and you’ll always have food when you’re hungry. Wouldn’t you like that?”

\---

“There aren’t places like that.” Not that he knew of anyway. Of course, this stranger seemed to have a lot of food, but he didn’t exactly have a lot of meat on his bones either from what he could see so it likely wasn’t like this all the time. “I want my Mama.”

\---

“If I knew where she was, I’d take you to her.” He’d want to make sure that she was a solution, but if that were possible, it would probably be the best option for them. “Since I can’t, I’m going to make sure you’re taken care of, okay?” He tried to gesture him closer. “Why don’t you let me take a look at you?”

\---

He still looked very uneasy, but he shifted closer after a beat of hesitation. His arms and rear were bruised, but for the most part he was in good shape as the less rambunctious of the two boys. “Why do you want to help us? We were okay at home.”

\---

“You weren’t,” he told him, looking him over and healing what bruises he could see with his clothing on. Since he didn’t want to undress each of the children, he used an all-encompassing heal to get what he couldn’t see. He had to adjust his footing on the ground afterwards, but he didn’t seem all that affected. “I think one day you’ll see that.”

He gestured to the other boy, trying to bring him in. “Come now.”

\---

Benny looked a little stunned, noticing a difference even though all he’d had was bruising. Nothing ached, not even a little bit. He looked to Violet and she nodded, silently telling him to take this as proof this was a good man.

The younger boy looked very shy and he began to sniffle as soon as he had Anders’ attention. “Go on.” Violet urged him and gave her little brother a nudge toward the healer. There was a stiff way to the way this boy moved closer that went beyond fear of this stranger and it seemed he had more underlying injuries than the older one.

\---

Anders offered him a smile, “I need your name too, of course.” While waiting for an answer, he healed what he could see. It made it easier for when he had to use the more powerful heal. As he checked him over, he could see that he was worse off and as with his brother, he tried to use a powerful heal to do it all at once, but he had to pour more into it than he did before and he had to press his hand to the ground to stop himself from swaying.

\---

“Jamien.” The boy had answered before the more powerful heal set into him, the sensation startling him and making him gasp. His reaction to the magic startled Dee and though she’d seemed fearless through it all, she rose to her feet, deciding she’d rather go back to exploring the clinic than stay around the man who’d been making her brothers upset.

“Anders. Come take my hand. Let me give you some lyrium before you do any more.” Fenris murmured from his resting place, knowing the signs of fatigue in the mage even if he was in and out of dosing.

\---

“I’m fine.” After yesterday, he’d felt plenty refreshed, but a lack of sleep always wore on him a little. He hadn’t used enough mana to need an intervention, those kinds of heals just took a lot out of him. He only needed to do it once more, though, and then he’d have time to regain himself.

“How about some sweets for you guys?” he suggested, rising to his feet and going to fetch one for each of them. Even the toddler, who he’d have to keep an eye on while she ate it. He offered them to the older children first, waiting to see if they would take the bribes.

\---

Violet was the first to volunteer for the offer of sweets and though both boys were apprehensive, their desire for the treat won over and both of them took one as well. Dee didn’t know what ‘sweets’ meant, never having had one, and so she was busy wandering around. She found her way back to Fenris’ table and when she reached up to him, he leaned over the table to pluck her up and set her beside him. “Anders needs to look at you, h’la aln. You need to be still.” He told her gently but she just smiled and started playing the with point of his ear.

\---

With only one left, he turned to look for the little girl. He saw where she’d ended up and he went over to them. He wanted to pull her off the table, but it was easier for him to examine her while standing.  “You can’t go around bothering sick people - you might get sick yourself!” Not that Fenris was contagious, but he was being playful with her as he offered her the sweet. “I’m going to make you feel all better, okay?” He waited for her to try the candy so she would be distracted by it as he worked.

\---

“She bothers everyone.” Benny said around his mouthful of candy, but he sounded mostly good-natured about it. If anything, he at least didn’t seem especially nervous about Anders examining his baby sister.

“Okay.” Dee agreed easily enough, already fixated on the candy he offered. When she popped it into her mouth, her eyes widened and she looked at him with a comically genuine expression of wonder. She didn’t know anything could taste so good. She was kept out of her father’s way by her older siblings for the most part, but she still had a fair share of bruising herself and her shoulder had been dislocated at some point and never put back into place quite right one time when her father had tugged her too hard away from his workroom.

\---

Like before, he worked on what he could see first, but when he sensed the dislocation, he knew that wasn’t going to be fun to deal with, his lips tugging down briefly. Deciding to leave it for last, he gave her the same rush of magic he had her siblings to take care of everything else, but this time he had to clutch at the edge of the table, pressing his weight into the hand, to keep himself steady. Incidentally, where his hand ended up was right beside to where the elf’s hand was sitting.

\---

Fenris saw him struggling to steady himself as he tended to the girl and he inched his hand against Anders, giving him a strong rush of lyrium. The little girl seemed quite happy with her sweet and her elf ear and the magic that had startled her older brother simply made her smile.

\---

The mage made a sound, his knuckles turning white on the wood. His eyes moved to the elf, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull back, not once he felt it. He remained still, letting it replenish him and then some. When he did pull away, he turned his attention right back on the girl, not wanting to make a big deal of it.

“Your arm’s hurt and I’m going to fix it, okay?” He had to pop it back into place and, knowing his best bet would be to get it over as quickly as possible, he took hold of it, putting into the position he needed to correct it. Using an aura to help reduce the pain, he gave her arm a firm push, feeling the bone slip into the socket and as soon as it was done, he pulled her up into her arms, spinning and bouncing her to distract her before she could register the pain. “What a good girl!”

\---

It all happened so fast that Dee was thoroughly distracted by his attention. She laughed and hugged him, delighted as he spun her. Fenris found himself smiling to see it, glad to see him so gentle with the children.

\---

He carried her over to her siblings and set her down so she could join them. “Do you know how to read, Violet?” he asked, having a couple of children’s books that he could give her to keep her brothers and sister entertained. Even if not, the books had pictures in them that they could look at, if nothing else.

\---

“Yes. Benny can read a little too.” Violet said and when Dee started to take off again, she caught her and pulled her to sit in her lap. “Thank you for healing all of us, ser.”

\---

With a smile and a ‘you’re welcome’ he went to grab the books, bringing them back and offering we them to her to take. “I’ll have you guys somewhere safe by the end of the day.” He wished Hawke would drop in, but knowing it was unlikely, he decided to get some outside help. He turned on the lantern outside, hoping to lure someone in to do him a favor, and while he waited, he cleaned up the dishes.

\---

It wasn’t Hawke, but Isabela stopped by not long after the lantern was lit. She had a rough bandage on her side from a scuffle she’d been in since they were there the night before, but otherwise didn’t look worse for wear. Her eyes immediately fell on the flock of children poring over a book together and she smirked before turning her gaze to Anders. “Did you decide to give up healing and be a nanny instead?”

\---

He was in the middle of drying the dishes when the pirate arrived. He looked over, brows lifting, having expected just about anyone else, especially at this time of day. Her timing was impeccable and he stopped what he was doing to head over to her. “Something like that - mind if we talk outside?”

\---

“Of course, Handsome.” She threw Fenris a wink as if promising she’d behave herself with his man, then stepped back outside and waited for Anders to join her. She was more than a little curious about the children around with no obvious parent with them and was eager to hear what he had to confide in her.

\---

“I need you to do me a favor - I need you to take the children to a woman named Lady Margo in Hightown.” He didn’t know if she was aware of who she was, so he gave the vague description he knew on how to find her. “I would take them myself, but I have to take care of one of them before she’s ready to go and I’d rather not do it with her siblings around.”

\---

“I’m not good with kids, but I’m sure I can handle it if I just have to drop them off to this ‘Lady’.” She wanted to know more, but she knew he was likely more interested in getting them out of his hair than gossiping right now. “Could you patch me up first though? It’s not deep, but Hawke was fretting. We found your little scoundrel Jessen and he’s just as rotten as promised.” She shifted her top to tug at the bandages over the gash the thug’s knife had given her.

\---

“Of course.” He moved in close, taking the bandages off of the wound for her. He clicked his tongue as it was revealed, shaking his head, “I’m not surprised. Anything come of it or is he a lost cause?” He’d like to think he was too young to be a lost cause, but as bad as he’d gotten, he couldn’t deny wondering if he would end up with nothing good to tell Ana. He had a lot of faith in Hawke, especially when it came to things like this - the man had a way with people - but not everything worked out the way he hoped. In fact, few things did..

He held his hand over the wound, encompassing it with his palm, and the light that emanated from it saw the raw skin melding back together.

\---

“Ah, much better.” It was always nice to have the ache of a little wound like that eased away in a flash by their very talented friend. She seemed to consider what Anders had asked for a moment, then chuckled. “Hawke is still working on him. But before I left, he just about had the kid in tears. I don’t think it’ll take much more, but he wants to scare him bad enough that he won’t even think about going back to the streets. So unfortunately for Jessen, I think he’s going to have my man’s attention for at least the rest of today.”

\---

With the wound healed, he stepped back to give her some space. “Good, keep me informed, if you don’t mind. I would like keep his mother in the loop, though if Hawke does a good job, I might not even have to say anything to her.” He still would, of course, but he imagined the boy making his way back home and telling her everything himself. If nothing else, he wanted to make sure that nothing like this happened again.

“Anyway, the sooner you can take the children the better.” Ideally, he wanted her to leave now so he could get to work on Violet and allow her enough time to recuperate in his care that she’d be ready to join her family by dinner. “Just tell her that they were in danger and that we’re trying to find a home for them, so if she could take them in the meantime or, if not that, help find someone to take them, I’d really appreciate it.”

\---

“We can go now. Just send the little pups out here and I’ll take them to Hightown. I’m sure it won’t be hard to find this person and if she won’t take them, I’ll just take them to the Hanged Man and teach them how to play cards.” She smirked, but it was hard to determine just how much she was joking.

\---

He gave her a strained smile - while vaguely amusing, he wasn’t in the mood for jokes. “One more thing - if a man tries to take them from you, do not let him. I don’t care what he says, kill him if you have to. ...Only if you have to, though, it would traumatize them to see it.” He didn’t know what the man was doing, but he didn’t want the pirate taken off guard, just in case.

With that, he put out the lantern and went back inside the clinic. “Alright guys, my friend Isabela is going to take you to where you’re going to be staying for now, so I want you to be good and follow her.”

\---

The children set the books aside and stood, the girls looking ready to go, but the boys looking apprehensive. If nothing else, it was a little less scary to be going with a strange woman than a strange man, though they had no idea just how dangerous the pirate could be if she wanted to. “...Are there more sweets there?” Jamien asked with a frown.

“More than you could possibly eat.” Fenris answered in a sleepy mumble from his dosing place. That was at least enough to get Jamien moving toward the door with Dee, but Benny stayed back and looked up to Anders with troubled eyes. “Do we have to go?”

\---

“You do,” he confirmed, his voice gentle and sympathetic. “I know it’s difficult and scary, but once you get comfortable there, you’ll see how much happier you can be.” This city was far from perfect and ideally they would go somewhere else entirely, but if not that, they could at least be put into the care of someone that would help them grow.

Knowing that platitudes only helped so much, he hesitated, before continuing. “When I was about your age, I was taken away from my family too.” Their situations were not at all the same, but he thought he could comfort them by empathizing with them. “Sometimes things don’t make sense now, but when you look back, you understand why they happened.” In his case, it meant nothing good, but he hoped that they would look back and see him as the man that saved them, not the man that hurt them.  “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

\---

Benny studied him for a long moment and when he decided that the man was sincere, he nodded. He stepped in closer to hug the healer’s legs for a moment, then headed for the door to join his siblings. With only Violet left, she looked up to Anders with a frown. “Do I go with them now?”

\---

He gave the boy’s shoulder a squeeze when hugged, warmed by the gesture. He turned his eyes on Violet, but before he could address her, she asked him about what he was going to say himself. “No, you’re going to stay a little longer. I’ll drop you off with them this evening, so go ahead and say goodbye for now.”

\---

“Okay…” She went to the doorway and waved the others off, telling them she'd see them later that night. There was some disquiet about being split up, but it didn't take long to convince them it was safe and she went back inside once the others were headed out with Isabela. “Will I get in trouble at the new place if the baby keeps growing?”

\---

“You wouldn’t get into trouble, no, but it’s not safe for you.” He gestured her over to the work table she’d chosen before, wanting her to take a seat. He went to grab the screen that he normally used to give himself some privacy and put it up so it was between them and the elf. “We’re going to take the baby out of you and then you don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

\---

“Okay…” It was hard to read how she felt about that, but she took a seat on the table when he prompted her. “Will it hurt? For me or the baby?” She added the second question as an afterthought. She wasn't far enough along to feel any movement inside so it wasn't easy for her to grasp that there was something alive in there.

\---

“It won’t hurt the baby, no.” It would kill the baby, of course, but the process wouldn’t be painful for it. “I’ll make it as painless as I can for you, but I can’t stop it from hurting completely.” He would if he could, but he could only dull her pain, but better that she go through this then take the risk of dying from carrying the baby to delivery.

\---

“I'm tough.” She was no crybaby and she was sure she could handle whatever this was. But she was still scared and despite her bravado, it came through in her eyes. “What do I have to do?”

\---

“I know you are.” He wished he didn’t have to do this, but it was what was best for her. “I’m going to make something for you to drink. In the meantime, you’ll have to take off your pants and lay back.” He went to do just that, though he did grab a pillow for her to rest her head before he started. It took about ten minutes or so for him to have the concoction ready, but then he returned to her. “Here you go, drink all of this.”

\---

The young girl took her pants off as she was told, picking up her blanket from earlier and draping it across her lap to cover herself when she was bare. She looked at the drink with a frown, then back up to him. “I already ate and drank a lot today. The baby will probably make me throw it up.” She didn't want to push her luck after she'd dodged nausea and kept her lunch down.

\---

“It’s okay, this doesn’t taste bad.” It actually had a rather sweet taste to it, unlike the tea she’d was ‘supposed’ to have been drinking to prevent the baby in the first place. He held it closer to her, so all she had to do was take it.

\---

She looked uncertain, but didn't argue. She took the cup and drank it down, hesitantly at first, but more enthusiastically once she tasted it. When she'd swallowed down all of it, she handed it back and looked up expectantly for her next instructions.

\---

He set it aside and then moved to grab some clean cloths, a bucket of water, a ceramic jar, and his stool from where it was sitting beside the elf. He was too caught up in his thoughts to pay him mind, returning to the girl and setting everything up for what came next. “I need to put your feet on the table and pull up your knees.” He pushed the blanket up to her waist, so it was resting there and she was exposed to him.

\---

She was considerably more tense than she had been moments before as she moved into position as he'd asked. She knew he wouldn't do anything bad to her, but exposing herself to him like this made her stomach queasy, which for once had nothing to do with the baby. “When does it start hurting?”

\---

“When your body starts to push the baby out,” he explained, sitting down on the stool and reached to place a hand just above her pelvis. “I’m going to use magic to help.” He gave her a reassuring look, though when his eyes fell to where his hand was resting, his gaze turned somber. The drink alone would rid her of the baby, but it would take days for it to take full effect, for the baby to die and to be rejected by her body, so the easiest way to quicken the process was to kill it.

He was sparing her a lot of time and pain by doing this, but it weighed heavily on him.

_There are other ways._

The mage shut his eyes. _There aren’t._

The spirit knew how he struggled with this and if it weren’t for that, knowing that he wouldn’t do this if he thought there was an alternative, he would have pushed harder. He would have stopped him. These grey areas were the hardest for him to deal with - the baby was an injustice done onto the girl, but it was equally, if not more, unjust to end the life of an innocent. They were where he tried to trust Anders’ judgment and learn from it.

“A little shock.” Following the warning, a crackle of energy erupted from his fingers. To the girl, it would feel like a simple shock, over as quickly as it began, for the baby… He tried to sense the life within her and found nothing.

\---

She gasped when he shocked her, the sensation startling her more than hurting. Even if he had warned her, she was frightened and the sensation was new to her. A little whimper left her as she tried to settle herself down and she fidgeted a little on the table though it seemed she was making an effort to hold still for him.

\---

“That’s it,” he assured her, drawing his hand back to show he that he was done. “It’ll take a few minutes, but then it will start to feel like your monthly pains.” He didn’t know how long she’d been having them, but she’d would have had to have had them in order to have gotten pregnant, so she had some basis for what this would feel like.

\---

It looked like that confused her, but she nodded. She'd bled a couple times and that had been scary, but they hadn't really hurt. She got a better idea of what he was talking about soon afterwards when she felt a brief, sharp cramp that made her whimper and squirm.

\---

As soon as she reacted, he threw up the aura. He’d been waiting because as he was pouring a lot more energy into it than he usually did. He’d put some pain reducing herbs into her drink, so between the two, the pain would be controlled. “It’ll be okay,” he murmured, taking her hand so she had something to hold.

\---

She gripped his hand tightly, the pain of the next cramp considerably less sharp thanks to his magic. “I want my Mama.” Tears started to roll down her cheeks as she waited for the pain to start up again, afraid of it even if the mage was dampening it for her.

\---

“It’ll be over soon.” He continued with his assurances, squeezing her hand. When blood began to seep from her, he grabbed a cloth, wetting it, and cleaned her skin. He continued this, all the while talking to her and making sure she knew that she wasn’t alone. “If you feel like you need to push, you can.” If her body wasn’t telling her to, he didn’t want her forcing it.

\---

She wasn't sure what he meant by pushing, but she nodded. She was quiet and relatively calm through the contractions, her focus staying on Anders and keeping her from panicking. Before long she knew just what he'd been talking about and she squeezed his hand as she started to push. A sweat had broken out on her forehead and she drew deep breaths, pushing when she exhaled.

\---

He kept her clean as she went, frequently dipping the cloth in the water and wringing it out so he could prevent her from making a mess of herself. It wasn’t until a mass slid out onto the table, stilling him, that he set the cloth aside, opening the ceramic jar to gingerly place it inside. He set the lid on top, sealing it shut, and after a pause in which he internalized what was inside, he slid it into his pocket and picked up the cloth to wipe the blood away.

“That’s it, you did it.” He kept the aura in place, knowing the contractions would continue for some time. “You did, brave girl. I’m so proud of you.”

\---

Violet looked tired and miserable when it was over, but her lips turned up a little at his praise. “We're done? I did it?” She was still in a little pain, but it did feel like the pressure and the need to push had passed.

\---

“You did it.” He gave her hand another squeeze. “Let me get something for you to wear.” He got up to fetch another, larger cloth, which he carefully folded and brought to her. “When you dress I want you to tuck this into your clothes, you’re going to be bleeding for some time.” He moved the stool up so he was sitting at her side, taking her hand again. “We’ll stay here for a while, to make sure you’re feeling better, and then I’ll take you to your brothers and sister, sound good?”

\---

“Okay.” She didn’t seem to have any interest in getting dressed or even moving. She just laid still, trying to process everything that had happened today. She held his hand tightly and the other hand moved to the small swell of her belly. “Are you going to stay with us at the new place?”

\---

He stroked his thumb against hers, his free hand grabbing bottom of the blanket and pulling it down to cover her legs. “I can’t, I have to stay here and take care of everyone else that needs me.” He felt bad taking them from the home they knew and not keeping an eye on them himself, but this was what was best for them. “I can come visit, though, if you want me to.”

\---

The answer was disappointing, but she nodded. “Please? Come see us when you can?” She was sure he was busy and plenty of people needed him more than she did. But she felt like she needed him to at least check in once or twice if they were going to be off with someone who hadn’t even agreed to take care of them. “Is this other lady we’re going to nice?”

\---

“Of course I will. She’s a good woman.” He didn’t know her personally, but he knew better than to say that aloud. “She takes care of people, just like I do. She’ll take care of you and if I find out that she isn’t, I’ll find some place better for you.” He wanted to make sure they were safe and cared for and until he knew they were, he would be checking on them often.

\---

“Okay…” She doubted there was any one else that cared for strangers like he did, but he’d exceeded her expectations so maybe she was wrong. After a few beats, she squeezed his hand again. “I’m sorry for the baby, ser. I wish I could have been a grown up so I could take care of it better. If this happens again, I’ll drink my tea no matter what.”

\---

“Violet, that should never happen again, not until you’re old enough and not until you want to. If someone tries to force you, I want you to do whatever you have to and stop them. If that happens, I want you to tell me or whoever is taking care of you, so they can take care of whoever is trying to hurt you.” He pulled her hand up to hold it between his own. “You don’t have to apologize to me - it’s not your fault. You did nothing to deserve this.”

\---

“I feel like it’s my fault. If I could have drank the tea every day, it wouldn’t have happened. If I could have helped with the others better, my Mama wouldn’t have left.” Violet didn’t seem upset as she said it, just matter of fact. She appreciated his touch and she watched him cradle her hand in his. “What if my Dada finds us at the lady’s house?”

\---

“If he does, I want you to stay away from him. Don’t go with him - find her and tell her what’s happening.” He intended to speak to the woman when he took her there, to explain why he was dropping the children off with her… and to make sure that she’d actually take them in. “Listen to me, it’s not your fault.” He wanted to make sure she knew that, if nothing else. “You’re a strong girl, but you’re still a just a girl. I don’t know why your mother left, but it’s not your fault that she did and I don’t know why your father thought that gave him the right to abuse you, but it didn’t. They should have been taking care of you, but they didn’t and that’s their fault, not yours.”

\---

Her lip quivered at that, but her eyes remained dry and she nodded. He said she was strong and she knew she was, so she wouldn’t let herself cry now that the worst was over. “You’re a grown up, so if you say it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault.” She glanced toward the door, as if she expected her father could be right outside listening. “I won’t go with him no matter what. I won’t let the others go either.”

\---

“Good.” He gave her hand a squeeze. “Are you feeling okay?” He’d never done that particular...procedure on someone so young and he knew that she must be exhausted. Even if it wasn’t as dragged out as it could have been, it was still a lot for her body to go through. “I’ll get you something to drink, but are you hungry?” Probably not, as she’d just eaten not all that long ago, but he wanted to make sure.

\---

“I’m okay. I’m just tired.” She wasn’t sure she’d ever felt quite this tired. It had been a very odd and busy day. “I don’t want to eat anything, but some water would be nice.”

\---

“Alright, why don’t you try to rest? I’ll get you water.” He got up and went to grab her one of the cups from earlier, filling it up and bringing it back to her. “Try to get some sleep - I’ll wake you up when it’s closer to dinner.”

\---

“Thank you…” Violet drank some of the water he’d given her, but set the rest aside for later. She turned to her side and curled up, finding pulling her legs up helped ease the ache in her pelvis a little. Her eyes closed and tired as she was, she knew it wouldn’t be long she was deeply asleep.

\---

He helped tuck her into the blanket, making sure it was covering her completely, before cleaning up and washing his hands. When all was said and done, he went to his desk and down heavily in the chair, slouching back. A hand fished into his robes and pulled out the jar, setting it front of him. He stared at it, arm falling to dangle limply at his side, his expression troubled.

\---

Fenris had been in and out of consciousness since he’d had his lunch and now he watched Anders sitting at his desk. His heart ached for him, knowing how much it troubled his lover to do things like this. Knowing that he wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. “Anders…” He murmured after watching him in silence for what felt like an eternity.

\---

His head moved slightly, not really looking at him, but turning an ear to him. That was all the response he offered, waiting for him to say what he wanted. If that wasn’t enough for him to go on, then whatever he wanted could wait.

\---

“Anders, come here.” He urged, but he kept his voice down. He couldn’t see the girl on the other side of the screen, but he was sure she was trying to get to sleep. He didn’t want to disturb her, but he also needed to comfort Anders. Even if he didn’t want comforting from him.

\---

For a time, it seemed he wasn’t going to get up. When he did, he did so heavily, walking over to him. “What?” He looked tired, holding the rest of his emotions back.

\---

He could see how much Anders was struggling and he frowned deeply, reaching to take one of his hands. “I know how hard this was for you.” He whispered, not wanting the girl wanting to overhear if she was awake. “Come here, I can soothe you while she rests. It will make it easier to walk her to Margo’s later…”

\---

His eyes fell their hands, expecting the lyrium to flood between them and pulling back instinctively, but as he spoke, his attempt went to nothing. It was difficult to tear his eyes away, but they eventually flicked up to find the elf’s, locking there instead. It seemed he couldn’t decide what to do, whether to go back to his desk and bask in his sorrow or do as was suggested and go to the only source of comfort that would be offered to him.

\---

“You don’t have to. I won’t give you lyrium if you don’t want it. I just know you’re hurting and I don’t want you to do it alone.” He could see his indecisiveness and really, he considered it flattering that Anders was even thinking about it.

\---

This elf was so earnest - it was a quality he’d never seen in him before and that, more than anything else, helped him to choose. He moved closer, marking his intent to join him, and as soon as there was enough room on the table, he laid beside him. As with before, he looked uncomfortable, but there was something needing in his eyes, waiting for the elf to do as he had before and close the distance between them.

\---

Fenris did just that and wrapped his arms around Anders, tugging him in tightly to his body. He stroked his back slowly, taking a moment to revel in the fact that he'd joined him even without the draw of lyrium. For the time being he used only his body to comfort him, wanting him to be able to focus on the sensation of simply being held by someone who cared.

\---

Barring the interactions he’d had with the elf, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been held. The elf hadn’t been wrong when he’d said it’d been a long time since he’d allowed this - it’d been a long time since someone wanted this.

After some initial stiffness, he let his forehead fall to his shoulder, shutting his eyes and taking in the proximity. If he let it, it didn’t have to be the elf - it didn’t have to be anyone - it could just be someone. A body, a warm body to lean on. He let out a shaking breath, relaxing as he took in the sure hold and everything that came with it.

—

He held him close, pleased to feel him relax a little after a while. “You did only what you had to. You saved that little girl.” He murmured to him and pressed a soft kiss to the crown of his head.

\---

His brows came together, no mistaking that rumbling voice. Only did what he had to? The man he’d known would have undoubtedly found some way to twist it around, to make him culpable for killing a baby that had barely begun its life.

There was no man that he’d known, though.

He had to stop thinking that way if he was ever going to move past this and especially if he was going to fix it. He had to accept what fixing it meant.

He nodded against his shoulder, giving a somber indication that he heard him and accepted it. It didn’t make it any less difficult, though.

—

“You're a good man, Anders. You saved all of those children today, but especially the one on the table.” He rested his cheek in the man's hair and began to glow, hoping the lyrium would ease his mind at least for a little while.

\---

He ducked his head closer, pressing into him firmly. A hand lifted between them to rest against his chest, but he needed more. The hand slid around him instead, clutching at his bare back to increase their contact and the security of their connection. He lids tightened their squeeze, throat thickening, but the lyrium helped to calm his building emotions.

—

Fenris was relieved to feel the needy grip. This was for Anders, but he really needed this too. He closed his eyes, stroking his back slowly and giving him a steady flow of lyrium to soothe him.

\---

He stayed like that for a long time, but as his side began to ache from the hard surface and he had to adjust, his eyes opened and he pulled back a little to look at him, seeing him from a proximity that he’d never had, unless it was to launch his fist into his face.

—

When Anders pulled back, Fenris’ eyes opened to meet his gaze. He moved a hand up to caress his cheek, a gesture so very tender and so natural to him. “Are you alright?”

\---

He took in his expression, his eyes flicking all over his face. There was some uncertainty still, but he ended up turning his cheek towards the hand, eyes shutting briefly. When they reopened, they found the elf’s, the intimacy making him shy, so his hand drew back to tuck it between them.

“No.”

—

“You will be. Especially when you see this little girl months from now and she's thriving because you did this for her.” Fenris kept his hand on his cheek and leaned in briefly to press a soft kiss on his forehead.

\---

“...I know I had to, but It doesn’t change that I killed a baby.” His eyes filled with emotion at that and he turned them down to his chin, fixing on the glowing skin there.

“The Maker can’t punish her for it, not if I did it.” He tried to find some comfort in that, his entire life feeling like a punishment for being what he was. What was one more?

—

“You killed a product of rape that would have died and taken another innocent child with it.” His hand slid back into Anders’ hair, massaging his scalp slowly. “The Maker will punish her father. This is his sin, not yours or the girl’s.”

\---

“I’ve killed a lot of babies.” ‘A lot’ might’ve been a bit strong, but for someone who thought killing one baby was too many, it felt like it. “In what kind of world is that ever the right thing to do?” The one they lived in, sadly, and he was well aware that was just the beginning of it.

—

“I know you feel that way, but in a world where fathers can take advantage of their daughters, it is sometimes the right thing to do.” He murmured gently. “What's more important is that you've saved more babies.”

\---

The response didn’t do much for him since he was basically restating what he’d already said. His lips pulled down into a frown and he fell back into silence, eyes still fixed on the glow of the lyrium - it was wrong that it should make him feel good in any capacity after what had happened.

—

“I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm here.” He would be there for him for as long as he needed it. Longer than he needed it. He kissed his brow, then the tip of his nose. “You'll feel better when you see how happy these children are in their new home.”

\---

He tucked his face back down to escape his lips. He’d feel better when he gave the baby the burial it deserved and there were enough days between him and today. If he was lucky, he’d never have to do this again.

\---

When he tucked his face away, Fenris went back to resting his cheek in Anders’ hair. He closed his eyes again, falling into silence since his words seemed to be doing little good. He kept up his lyrium and went back to stroking his back, hoping that would be comfort enough.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Fenris had to give up cuddling with Anders when Violet finally woke. He had been deemed well enough to move to a cot by Anders before they left for Lady Margo’s house, so he at least had somewhere more comfortable to rest, especially when he was told the healer would be gone for a while. He dosed on and off for a while and when the mage hadn’t returned, he began to wonder what was taking him so long. Then he realized that the jar from earlier that afternoon was gone and so he knew he was likely tending to a burial for the unborn child.

When Anders finally came back, Fenris welcomed him to sleep with him that night so he wouldn’t have to deal with his sorrow alone. He didn’t really expect Anders to take the invitation, but he wanted to give it just the same. He fell asleep while the mage was still at his desk and he wasn’t terribly surprised to wake up alone the next morning.

He’d eaten his breakfast and laid back down, pleased for the quiet morning they had after all of the commotion of the day before. He would have been perfectly content to just lie there and be near Anders for yet another day, but his back was really beginning to ache. Likely from being on the table for so long, so he liked to think that being in the cot now would help, but after shifting around as much as he could, he realized he was going to have to move around to finally take some pressure off of his back so he could rest again. “Anders…” He murmured, a subtle note of pain in his voice. He hadn’t complained about anything since he’d arrived and he didn’t want to start now, but he felt his back would get a lot worse if he didn’t do something about it soon.

\---

Meeting Lady Margo had ended up being an event. In hindsight, choosing to go at dinner had been a mistake. The house had been crawling with people he recognized from both Darktown and Lowtown - he was surprised it’d never stuck out to him before, but he didn’t often traverse that side of Hightown - but he’d been relieved to see the children sitting at a large table, eating a meal that rivaled what he’d given them earlier that day.

She was exactly the kind woman he’d imagined her to be and when he pulled her aside in the kitchen, he explained to her who he was and why he was dropping off the children with her. So she understood how serious this was, he told her about Violet and how she’d showed to his clinic, beaten, starving, and carrying her father’s child. He wanted to make sure that if the man showed up here, he was not allowed to leave with them, willingly or unwillingly.

As kind as she was to take them in, he didn’t want them staying there permanently, nor did Lady Margo he imagined, so it was an arrangement that would last as long as it took for them to find a better home. When it was time for him to go, narrowly avoiding a loaded plate being pushed into his hands, he returned to the children and said his goodbyes, promising them that he would come back to check on them soon.

Outside and alone, his heavy heart took over.

By the time he made it to the meadow outside of the city, it was growing dark, but he was determined to do this. He sought one of the trees sprinkled within it and dropped to his knees in before it, pulling out a spade that he usually used for digging up the roots of plants. He dug for well over an hour, making the hole deep and neat, so that when he lowered the jar to the bottom of it, it sat without risk of falling over.

Tears welled in his eyes as he said a prayer for the child - the only one that would ever be uttered for it. Then he filled the hole with the loose dirt and patted it flat, trying to make it look as undisturbed as possible. There he sat, the sky shifting and darkness enveloping him.

When he returned to the clinic, it was late and he was quiet. The rest of the night was spent at his desk and only when it was the early hours of the morning did he drag himself to his cot, having forgotten the elf’s offer to join him. Even if he’d remembered, he wouldn’t have gone.

When he woke the next day, he opened the clinic right away, but it was a slow trickle of people that came in. Of those that showed up, more than one showed concern for him. He’d been erratic in whether the clinic was open or not and that was following it being closed for the longest it had ever been since he’d established it.

He felt bad, but it made it all the clearer that he needed to figure this out or…to just learn to live with it. What that meant in regards to Fenris, he didn’t know, but he was still looking forward to Hawke picking him up so that he would be out of his hair. He didn’t really want to go back to ‘how it used to be’, per se, but having the elf as an acquaintance rather than a rival would be nice.

Since he had the time, he was in the middle of making some potions to replenish his stock when the elf called for him. He turned to look at him, giving the simmering liquid a couple of blind stirs. “What?” He’d been good about leaving him alone, so he knew that he wouldn’t be bothering him if it wasn’t for a reason.

—

“I think I need to get up, my back keeps aching.” He wasn't one to complain about pain and he didn't expect the mage to just fix it. His body was trying to get him moving, no matter how much he wanted to just rest near his love. “When you have a moment, would you help me try to stand?” He hadn't been able to hold his weight since he got here and the few times he'd been on his feet for bathroom trips he'd relied almost entirely on Anders. But he felt like trying and it would be nice to get a little strength back.

\---

“Why don’t we just sit you up?” he suggested, knowing that would help as well. He turned his eyes back to what he was doing, pulling his stirring stick out and readying the next ingredient he needed to add. He was close to being done with it, so he could help him momentarily.

—

“Alright…” Sitting relieved his aches for the most part, so it was likely a good place to start. He usually waited for Anders to help him, but he wanted to test his strength so he slowly started to push himself up. It felt like it took far more effort than it should, but he got there and he panted softly once he was upright. He could sit this way until Anders was free and could help him get to his feet.

\---

When he finished and the potion was safe to sit as it cooled down, he turned to find him sitting up already. “Looks like you got it.” He went to get him more water, since he was drinking it constantly.

—

He never turned water down from him, though he was no longer nearly so dehydrated. When Anders brought it to him, he drank half of it down, not feeling the need to desperately drain each cup as he had days before. “Thank you. If you still have time, can I try to walk with you? I feel like I need to get up for a few minutes. It would be nice to wash up a little too.”

\---

It probably would be good for him, so he moved closer. “If Hawke will get here already, we can get you out of here completely.” He’d genuinely deem him fit to go, though he knew that he probably didn’t want to. Like he did when helping him use the bathroom, he slipped an arm around him to take his weight and help him up.

—

“I don't want to go with Hawke. As I get better, I could help you around here.” He put an arm around his shoulders and eased down onto his feet. He shifted his weight between them, not making Anders take all of his weight for the first time since he arrived. He took a hesitant step but when his knee started to buckle, he gripped Anders and stood still, letting his body acclimate to just holding himself up for a little longer.

\---

He tightened his arm around him when he seemed ready to fall, but when he caught himself, he relaxed it. “This isn’t a place fit for someone to live.” Himself included, but he didn’t have other options - though he was sure the elf would have something to say about that. “You need to get back to… whatever it is you do.” He’d have said drinking himself into a stupor before, but he doubted that was what he actually did.

—

“I know it isn't. You should come home with me when I have to go. I've been working on it more. It'll be really nice when you see it again.” He'd been working on it up until he'd decided it was time to take desperate measures to get close to him anyway. He took a very small step, finding himself a little more steady this time.

\---

“I don’t want to. I’m sure it’s...nice.” He found that hard to believe, having seen what a dump it was. “But I’m more comfortable here, so I’ll stay here, okay?” He moved a little to compensate for his step.

—

“Then I want to stay here too. I belong with you.” He took another couple steps, but he quickly grew tired and he had to hold tighter to Anders to keep his balance while he rested.

\---

“Fenris...” His voice had a helpless quality to it, not knowing how to move forward with him. “You’re a surprisingly sweet person - startlingly, really - I will give you that. I don’t hate you… quite. You’re not who I think you are and that’s great, but I still don’t want to be bound at the hip with you. I need space.” This was said while they were literally latched at the hip.

—

“...Not quite hating me is an improvement, at least.” But it still wasn’t the answer he wanted. “I can give you some space. But I still want to see you. I don’t think you understand how much I need you…”

\---

And I don’t think you understand how little I care. He could’ve said it, but he refrained. “Just convince Hawke to take us out on missions together. I need the coin, anyway.” That felt like meeting him in the middle, especially since the alternative was to ignore him completely.

He tried to encourage him to take another step, marveling at how weak his was. “I still don’t know how-“ he stopped, realizing what he was saying. There was a pause, then he started again, “You never did tell me what happened to you.” They’d made a deal and when that had resulted in the most heated kiss he’d had in years, he’d forgotten the whole point of it.

He did just say that he didn’t understand how much he needed him.

—

His blood went cold and he tensed sharply, almost losing his footing. He shook his head sharply. “It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what happened that night. We just have to keep working on this.”

\---

At that, he used his strength to turn them back to the cot, lowering him down so he had to sit. It was nice being stronger than him in that way. He folded his arms over his chest and looked down at him, the same way one night a naughty child.

“I gave you what you wanted - more than what you wanted. Give me what I want.” 

—

Like a naughty child being questioned, Fenris hung his head unable to look at him. “I...I just…” He swallowed a lump forming in his throat. “You wouldn't talk to me. You didn't even want to look at me. I had to do something to spend some time with you.”

\---

It wasn’t what he’d expected, but somehow, it was worse. “You did this… to spend time with me?” He’d thought he’d hear a confession concerning a suicide attempt. “You nearly killed yourself to spend time with me?!” He scowled at him, arms dropping from their fold, though his fists clenched at his sides. “What is wrong with you?!”

\---

“I felt like I had to. I had to see you and I did whatever it took to spend time with you.” He said down to the floor, his voice very quiet. “I knew you’d be upset, I didn’t want you to know…”

\---

“Upset?! I’m not upset, I’m livid!” To prove it, his voice was raising. “What did you do to yourself? What kind of poison did you use? What did you do to break half of your bones?!” What kind of solution could he have concocted to do so much damage? “Maker, Fenris, do you know how much time I’ve wasted on you?!”

\---

“I had to see you.” He repeated, his voice breaking. “I knew it would take something extreme for you to not heal me and kick me right back out onto the street. I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of losing you.”

\---

“I’m not worth this, Fenris! I’m not worth dying over, so will you stop already?! Maybe you need a memory charm so you can forget about me too!” He was so pissed at him for doing something so stupid and thoughtless.

\---

“You’re more than worth this. I would do it over again if I thought that was what it took.” He almost had done so in asking Isabela to bring him the poison he had left days before. “I love you, Anders. I love you more than anything.”

\---

He stared at him, not knowing what to say in the face of such obstinance. He had to look away, off to the side, the helplessness that had been in his voice now in his expression. “I don’t-... I-” He couldn’t find the words he needed or even the thoughts to accompany them.

Fenris needed him more than anything, was terrified of being without him, and loved him with a desperation he’d never known possible.

He wasn’t worth it and he didn’t think he deserved it, either. Not from him.

“You’d tell me that I felt the same, wouldn’t you?” If he asked, that’s what he’d say. He couldn’t imagine it, not for anyone. In the Circle, he’d been taught not to love, not in the sense that Fenris spoke, probably for the very reason sitting in front of him.

\---

“I felt like you did. You said that you loved me often, but it means more that I felt like you did.” Not that telling him how he’d felt mattered now. He didn’t love him anymore. But he at least didn’t loathe him the way he had before. He finally looked up to him, his eyes a storm of emotion though it was likely difficult to single out just what he felt.

\---

“How?” The question was softer and his eyes fell a little, still fixed on nothing. How’d he love him when all he could remember was anger? He wasn’t even thinking in terms of the relationship he knew - for so long anger had consuming him. Anger at the elf, yes, not just him. Anger at the Circle. Anger at the templers. Anger at the state of the world. Anger at the complacency of everyone else. He’d grown so… so bitter. Where did love come in? Where did happiness? These things everyone kept talking about and these things that he kept rejecting.

\---

How? How did he feel like he loved him? He wasn’t entirely sure what he meant by his question. “I could see it in the way you looked at me. The way you’d smile when you woke up in my arms. The way you said my name. The way you’d hold me after we made love. It told me you loved me more than your words ever could.”

\---

He shook his head to himself, since that wasn’t what he’d meant and hearing it was difficult to take in at the rest of this. “How did I love you?” he clarified, sounding as lost as the question made him feel. To be getting such reactions from him, it must have been something else and that was what he’d all but been told by everyone. By Isabela, by Hawke, by Fenris himself, he just continually rejected their truth, but now he wanted to understand.

\---

“I...don’t know. I don’t think you struggled much with it though. We just got to know each other and it was just...natural. It all fell into place.” It was so easy the first time. But with Anders full of false memories, he doubted it could ever happen as smoothly as it had the first time they fell in love.

\---

He moved away from him, going to his desk nearby and sitting down. The way he slumped at it was not at all unlike the way he had yesterday after taking care of Violet, but this time his eyes shut. It would be so much easier if he would let it go and leave it alone, but he’d made it abundantly clear that wasn’t going to happen. He wasn’t going to leave him be and, just the opposite, he’d risk killing himself to be with him.

“I need Hawke,” he murmured aloud, speaking to himself.

\---

The elf frowned to see him so miserable over this. But he couldn’t apologize. He wasn’t sorry for what he’d done - they’d made a lot of headway in their now defunct relationship because he’d gotten to stay with him for days. He was quiet when Anders spoke of the rogue, knowing he wasn’t talking to him and giving him a little time to process his thoughts on all of this.

\---

“I think you’re fine to stay here alone - I’m going to go to Hawke’s,” he concluded, rising to his feet and going to grab his staff. “I’ll be back in a while.” He needed someone to talk to and as he went for the door, he considered if someone else might not be better. If not Hawke, maybe Varric. The dwarf had stopped by once before, at the beginning of this, but seeing that he needed space - he might have been snappy after talking to Hawke and Isabela - had backed off and he hadn’t seen him since.

He wasn’t sure where his feet would take him, but he needed someone.

—

“I'll be here.” He murmured, staring down at the floor again. Anders would probably return with Hawke and he'd be taken elsewhere. He didn't want to go, but some progress had been made at least. He remained sitting, letting his feet dangle from the cot and waiting to be left alone to wait for his return.

\---

In the end, Hawke seemed to know the most about them and seemed to be the most invested in them, so he made his way towards his mansion. On the way, however, he ended up passing the section of town that held Fenris’ place and he paused, considering his options. He told himself that he didn’t want to go and tried to pull himself away, but his feet were stuck and it wasn’t until he gave in that they began to move, allowing him to wander close to the warrior’s domain.

At his door he paused again, considering, but in the end he went for the knob and opened the door, pushing it in and stepping inside.

—

The mansion was still a work in progress, but it looked far better than it had been before they had been a couple. At least in the few areas they used, the broken furniture was gone, everything had been cleaned, and there wasn't a cobweb in sight. He'd started to put a little money into the place so while it all looked rather bare without much furniture left, there were new rugs that covered up old stains and made the place feel a little more homey.

Where there used to be only wine bottles and shards of glass, there was now a somewhat functional kitchen. It was far from properly stocked, but it looked as if a lot of work had been put into it.

There was a desk with two chairs pulled up to it, a small stack of books piled in one corner. On the top book was a piece of parchment that they had been using for notes - one side had Anders’ handwriting listing simple words and the other side had messy, shaky handwriting copying each one. There was also parchment laid out in the middle of the desk, the inkwell pinning down a top corner of it to keep it unrolled.

\---

It was a lot different than he remembered, though he hadn’t been in quite a while, admittedly. He tried to tell himself that was why it looked different, but then he wondered why he was bothering. He knew that wasn’t true. As he explored, making his way to room he knew the warrior to occupy, he was surprised to find that it looked rather nice. There was more furniture in there than he remembered, including a couple of chairs by the fire, but what caught his attention was the bed. Lying on top of it, just as promised, was his pillow and he quickly made his way over to it, picking it up and looking it over for damage.

It was worn from age, but it looked just how he remembered it - it just wasn’t where he thought it should be.

Tucking the pillow into his arm, he continued explore, the desk drawing his curiosity and as he got closer, his brows lifted to see his own handwriting. That was startling, especially since he didn’t recognize the - letter was it? - itself. He leaned over the parchment, to see what it said, and his breath caught within the first few sentences. His hold on the pillow loosened and it ended up falling to the ground as he grabbed the parchment and pulled it up, eyes wide as he read it.

Slowly, his knees began to sink and he found himself on the floor, tears filling his eyes and falling down his cheeks. He had to read it more than once, his eyes flicking from word to word in disbelief, until they blurred together and he fell into weeping.

It was a love letter, penned by his own hand, in which he poured himself out to the elf. The written words were as passionate as everything the elf had told him so far, but these were his own. Word after word, enough to fill up the entire parchment. These were what his feelings were supposed to be and despite being told as much from everyone, seeing it for himself was rattling.

When he rose to his feet, he was clutching the letter tightly in his hand, crinkling the parchment, and with nothing else, forgetting even to put out the candle, he started back to Darktown. He was still in need of Hawke’s advice, this didn’t change that, but it didn’t matter, not right now. When stepped into the clinic, his eyes were red, his cheeks were wet, and tears continued to dart down them, though his expression itself was stoic, if not troubled.

\---

Fenris had still been sitting on the edge of the bed and startled when the door opened. He’d been lost in his thoughts and he hadn’t expected Anders back so soon. He frowned to see him in such a state, his eyes full of concern. “...What happened, Amatus? Are you alright?” He could see some of the tears were fresh, so he likely wasn’t alright at all.

\---

He didn’t know how to address his question, so he didn’t try. He moved closer, hand tightening on the parchment, until he was close enough that he could hold it out to him.

\---

Fenris was hesitant, but he reached out to take the parchment. He unrolled and smoothed it, looked down at the handwriting, then back up to Anders. “You wrote this.” Whether he wrote this before all of this happened or while he was out, he wasn’t sure. At least until he started reading it. He read it aloud under his breath, slowly and uncertain, but once he got a couple lines in, his eyes were too blurred with tears to see the words any longer. He lowered the letter to his lap, holding it like some precious relic, and broke down into sobs.

\---

The reaction was starling, but it wasn’t all that different from his own. He’d meant to get some kind of input from him, but when it became clear that he’d never seen it before, he turned away from him. He moved to one of the pillars close the door and leaned into it, shoulder first, then head. He didn’t stay like that for long, though, rolling his weight from his shoulder to his back and then sliding down it, dropping to his ass with his knees pulled in.

\---

It took him awhile to calm down enough to read the rest of the letter, struggling through it aloud the way he’d begun. When he finished, he looked to Anders, wiping at his eyes. “Did you go home? Was this on the desk?” He’d known Anders had been working on something, but he imagined it was something they were supposed to work on together for lessons so he’d left it alone the day Anders had gone off to work in the clinic and never came back.

\---

He didn’t respond, his eyes fixed on his knees. A few tears darted down his cheeks, but as with before, his expression was stoic. It might’ve been better to go to Hawke’s, he was realizing, to get his advice and calm down, before coming here in the thick of his emotions.

\---

“...Thank you for bringing it to me.” He murmured, running his thumb over a margin without ink. He could treasure this letter, even if things never got back to the way they were supposed to be with Anders. “This means so much to me.”

\---

His feet slowly began to slide, his legs straightening in front of him. He hadn’t brought it for him, but if that’s what he wanted to believe, he wasn’t going to burst his bubble. He turned his face to the side, away from him, his eyes shutting and his body slumping.

\---

He watched him for a long moment, then spoke up again. “...Was it hard for you to see the mansion? To see this letter? Or was it something else there that upset you so?”

\---

Anders thought it was obvious and the question was grating. “Please stop talking.” His voice was forced into control, but had a wavering quality to it that betrayed him. He didn’t know what he thought he was going to get from him, but he should’ve known better than to think he would.

\---

“I’m sorry.” It wasn’t the time to try to discuss this with him. He carefully tucked the letter beneath his pillow and eased himself to lie down. He missed the Anders he knew so desperately and it felt like he had just a tiny piece of him back.

\---

It was a while before he mustered up the resolve to get up. He knew what he was going to do and whatever questions he’d wanted to ask the elf didn’t matter. He’d wanted to understand, to understand why he’d have felt all of those things, but it didn’t matter. He was going to fix it and so he started to grab what he could, packing up a bag with potions, salves, and food.

“I’ll be back,” he told him, heading for the door as soon as his bag was full.

\---

The words wouldn’t have alarmed him if he hadn’t seen him packing. “Wait, where are you going?” He asked, his tone tight with worry. “How long will you be gone?”

\---

“I don’t know, but I’ll be back.” He slipped out of the door and locked it behind him, knowing that in doing so, he was locking him inside. No matter, he made his way back to Hightown, stopping back in Fenris’ mansion and going right back to the desk, where he knew he could find parchment and ink, penning a letter for Hawke.

When he was done, he rolled it up and tucked the key inside, so that when he dropped it off at his house, he’d be able to go to Darktown and fetch the elf.

He didn’t intend on seeing him, not wanting to discuss this with him - he’d meant to, but that had changed with finding the letter. He just went to his mansion, slipped the roll under his door, and made his way to the entrance of town, intending on walking all the way to Tevinter, no matter how long it took him.

\---

It was a few hours later that Hawke returned home, exhausted from his work in setting Jessen straight. When he walked in, he almost walked right past Anders’ letter. But tired as he was, he still noticed the roll of parchment and he paused, bending to pick it up. When he unrolled it, he was perplexed when a key dropped out and clattered to the floor. He frowned, his brow furrowed as he read through the letter.

He instantly wished that Isabela had come home with him and he bent to pick up the key that had fallen. It would take more than her to make this right, though. He’d need everyone. But first he needed to do something with the elf that had been locked in the clinic for who knew how long.

When he arrived, he unlocked the door and found the elf on the cot perk up, then immediately wilt when it was the rogue and not the mage that stepped inside. Hawke moved toward the cot, looking uneasy, not sure just what to say to him. “Fenris...you need to come stay at my place for awhile.” When Fenris only shook his head, he sighed and went on. “You need to go somewhere I can have someone look after you. Anders… Anders is gone. He left for Tevinter and I have to get everyone together to try to find him before he gets too far…”

Fenris, bolted upright, though his eyes lost focus for a moment as the sudden movement made him dizzy. “Why are you wasting time talking to me? We need to go. Right now.” Without waiting for Hawke to answer, he lunged forward, taking hold of the rogue’s arm and gripping it as he got to his feet.

Hawke had been unprepared for Fenris to use him to get up and the two of them both nearly went sprawling. But he caught his balance and helped the warrior steady himself. “Okay, okay. Let me get you to the house and then I’ll go find the others right away. We’re not going to let him get too far.”

“No, I’m coming with you. If he insists on going, I’m going with him.” He wasn’t going to have them return and try to explain to him that they couldn’t convince him to come home. That they’d ‘tried their best’ or some equally inadequate excuse.

“You can barely walk. You’ll only slow us down and we need to catch up to him quickly.” Hawke said firmly, knowing that the only thing that could possibly deter Fenris was using the possibility of not getting to Anders in time.

“That’s why you’re not going to wait on me. Just go. Get the others and get moving.” Fenris eased his grip on Hawke until he eventually let go, shakily holding his own weight.

“It’s not going to take that much time to get you to the house. Come on.” The rogue was starting to get exasperated but when he tried to reach for Fenris again, the elf batted his hand away.

“Don’t touch me. Get moving, I’ll get there on my own.” When Hawke didn’t move eventually, Fenris’ lips pulled back into a snarl. “Go! Now!” It was unlike him to raise his voice to the rogue, but he was getting more worked up with every wasted second.

Hawke looked torn but when the warrior began to shout, he sighed again and turned to go. “Fine, just stay here then if you won’t let me take you back. I’ll get going.” He turned on his heels then, leaving the warrior standing by the cot as he rushed out the door to go about gathering up as many of their friends as he could.

There was no way Fenris was just staying here and he began a slow and steady trek for the door. Once he found something to use for a walking stick, he’d likely fare a little better in making ground quickly. It didn’t matter either way. He was going to find Anders if he had to crawl.

Hawke had rounded up nearly everyone quickly and even Merrill came along as they left town. She didn’t know how much she could do to convince Anders to stay, knowing how little he liked her, but would do her best to convince him. They started off toward Tevinter, determined to catch up to Anders before he got too far ahead of them.


	11. Chapter 11

After a day of uninterrupted travel, Anders had found a relatively safe spot to sleep for the night. Lacking a blanket, he’d made a fire that had burned out in the night and by morning, he was cold, but he’d used his magic to warm himself up. After a small breakfast consisting of mostly bread, he was back to it. He’d made it through the warmest part of the day and it was close to evening when he found a river and decided to stop and take a break. He didn’t intend on staying long, knowing he could make some more progress before night fell, but he was in need of a drink and his feet already ached, despite being used to being on them all the time.

He took the opportunity to have a little more to eat, though he was rationing what he had. He’d brought his money with him, but he didn’t want to spend any of it, if he could help it, so that meant making his supplies last.

\---

They had only taken short breaks to rest, uncertain how much earlier Anders had left than they did. Hawke lead the way and when they saw the familiar mage up ahead, stopped for a rest and a bite to eat, he gave a weary, but delighted sigh of relief. “There you are! You made good time since you left town!” He called and Isabela waved from his side.

\---

The sound of a voice made him jump and though he recognized it, he turned sharply, his heart racing. His eyes widened when he saw the group of them and he scrambled to his feet. “W-what are you doing here?!” he demanded, sounding frustrated. His eyes scanned them for one person in particular, but he was not surprised and simultaneously relieved that he wasn’t there.

\---

“What do you think we’re doing here?” Hawke folded his arms across his chest. “We’re not going to let you run off to Tevinter. They’re not exactly warm and fuzzy with outsiders, you know.”

Isabela put a hand on her hip and smirked. “You thought you could just take off and leave us all behind, Handsome?”

\---

“Honestly, you guys. I’m not a child - if I want to go somewhere, I don’t need your permission.” He couldn’t believe they followed him this far and he couldn’t help but wonder, with horror, how far they would have gone. His eyes flicked between each of them, shaking his head, not understanding. “Go back to Kirkwall - I’m sorry you came all this way for nothing, but I’m doing this.”

\---

“You’re not a child, you’re our friend.” Hawke said firmly. “If we can’t convince you to stop, we’re going with you.” None of them really could afford to take such a venture with no advanced notice, but he couldn’t let Anders go alone and maybe they could convince him on the way.

“We’re worried. It’s not safe to go there. We want to help you find some other way to deal with this.” Merrill said softly, toying with her robes anxiously.

\---

“You’re not going with me,” he replied, impatient. He knew that none of them wanted to or really had the time to invest in such a venture. “Go home.” He turned to start picking up his stuff, intending on getting moving. As he reached for his sack, a hand reached out and plucked it up, causing him to straighten.

“Blondie, if you really want to go, we’re not stopping you, but maybe you wanna stop and think about it? Plan? Even we all can’t go with you, you shouldn’t be going somewhere so far by yourself if you plan on coming back and all - you do plan on coming back, don’t you?”

“Yes, Varric, I’m coming back, hopefully as the person you guys remember, but I don’t know how long that will take. It might take months for me to fix… whatever this is, but I’m doing it. Isn’t that enough?”

\---

“You can’t spend months there unnoticed. You’re putting yourself in danger when there likely aren’t even any answers there.” Hawke insisted, shaking his head. “You wouldn’t let me go off alone to a place like that on a vague hunch. How do you expect all of us to let you go?”

“I’m going with you, Handsome.” Isabela said, moving in closer, looking ready to start walking again. Hawke gave her a scowl, but she kept her eyes on Anders. “Friends don’t let friends adventure alone.”

“...I could come with too.” Merrill said, her eyes dropping to the ground. “But I really wish you would just stay. I think we should all stick together.”

\---

“It’s not that dangerous of a place you guys.” He was so frustrated with everyone acting like Tevinter was some hell on earth. For some people, maybe that was true, but nothing was going to happen to him. “I’m trying to fix this, Hawke. You wanna show a little faith, rather than just shooting me down?”

The dwarf was holding out his bag for him and he took it. “If Isabela wants to come, fine, but the rest of you… Kirkwall needs you Hawke. You too, Varric.” As far as Merrill went, he didn’t think it was a great idea for her to go because of the simple fact that she was a blood mage… and he just didn’t want her company.

He knew that it was unlikely that Hawke and Isabela would part, so that likely meant he would be going alone.

\---

“We don’t want you to go. It’s not a lack of faith in you. It’s concern for you, you don’t know what’s out there. None of us do.” Hawke said with a deep frown, though he didn’t try to collect Isabela as she waited near Anders. “Why don’t we all camp here through the rest of the day? You can make your plan and we can talk it out. Then if you still want to go tomorrow morning, so be it.” He looked to Varric, hoping the dwarf would back him up.

\---

“It’d be a better goodbye than sneaking out when no one’s looking,” the rogue agreed, he bent to pick up a large broken branch nearby. “I’ll get the wood.” As if the mage had already agreed.

Anders watched him for a few disbelieving beats, grabbing what scattered wood was in the immediate vicinity, before turning back to the rest of them, “Fine, but I’m leaving in the morning and that’s the end of it.” He turned and stormed away from them, going to the river and dropping down beside it. Really, their arrival meant something to him, it did, but he was so upset about everything.

\---

Merrill and Hawke helped to set up an adequate camp, giving Anders a little space while they kept busy. Isabela wasn’t keen on helping, but she wander about and in the process she found some berries for them. She wasn’t a nature expert by any means, but in her travels she’d at least learned a few things that were safe to eat. When she had enough for all of them to snack, she took them to the river beside Anders to clean them. “I will go with you tomorrow if you still want to.”

\---

He didn’t look over when she sat down, knowing who it was. Her voice was just confirmation. He tilted his head back to look at the sky. “What about Hawke? He can’t go.” No matter what he said, he had more important things to do and going to Tevinter didn’t help him or his family at all. “He’ll want you to stay with him.”

\---

“I know that.” She gave him a wan smile. “So I guess we’ll have to be careful so we both get home safely to him, huh?” It would be hard to leave him behind and she’d miss him terribly. But maybe it wouldn’t take all that long. Besides, her wanderlust hadn’t left her and it would be nice to go on an adventure that was farther than a day outside of Kirkwall.

\---

“We’ll see how you feel in the morning.” He wasn’t certain that she wouldn’t be convinced to stay, though he was certain that he wouldn’t be. He finally looked back down and at her, his eyes flicking over her face. “You know what I remember? I remember being jealous of you. That Hawke wanted you.” Back when he’d first met the rogue and had tried his hand at flirting with him. “Did that ever happen? I don’t know if it did, or if I was so caught up with Fenris that I didn’t even notice Hawke.” The look he gave her was pained. “I’m trying to fix it.”

\---

“Yes, you had a little thing for Hawke and you weren’t all that fond of me because of it at first. But it never went beyond casual flirting. Fenris had caught your eye and the more time you spent with him, the less you paid attention to Hawke. And the nicer you were to me.” She added the last part with a smirk and a little shrug.

\---

He didn’t look particularly comforted by the confirmation that he’d gotten something right. He looked away from her, but this time focused onto the distance in front of him, to the opposite side of the river. His mind was on the letter he’d found, as if it had been the entire time he’d been walking thus far.

“...Where’s Fenris? I left him in the clinic. You guys didn’t just leave him there, did you?”

\---

“I don’t know where he is, really.” She set to washing the berries, cupping them in her hands a few at a time and dipping them into the water. “When Hawke went to take him back to his place, Fenris was going on about how he needed to come with us. Hawke couldn’t convince him otherwise so he just left him there. He might still be there or he might be...well, anywhere.”

\---

He frowned. “Why didn’t someone stay with him?” He wasn’t more important than the elf was. In the past he wouldn’t have said that, but he knew that they cared about him and he’d come to accept that he wasn’t a bad man.

—

“Because we knew it might take all of us to convince you to come home. We would have needed to tie him to a bed to stop him from coming to your rescue.” She wouldn't have at all minded to tie him to a bed, but he wouldn't have appreciated it.

\---

He sighed and shook his head, not really worried about it. He was stubborn but… Well, he was stupid too, but he probably wouldn’t even make it out of the city. He’d realize he was in no shape to be going anywhere and by the time the others got back, they could convince him to wait it out.

“I don’t need to be rescued. If you guys want me to come back as the man you remember, you have to let me do this.”

—

“Do you want to be the man we remember?” She asked, cleaning off the last of the berries. “It's a matter of who you are, not what we want. If you want to do this, you need to do it for you. We'll accept you as you are. That's why we're all here, after all.”

\---

He frowned at that. “It sure as hell seemed like what you wanted mattered. You kept going on about how perfect we were together and how he needs me or he’ll try to kill himself to be with me.” By the last bit he was grumbling more to himself than to her. “I don’t know what I want, Isabela, but I don’t belong here. I’m… I’m scared of fixing it and losing who I am, but if everyone would be happier for it, even me, why shouldn’t I?”

\---

“We keep reminding you of it because we want you to be happy like you were. If you're happier this way now, so be it.” She said rather gently. “Don't make a big decision like this for anyone but yourself.”

\---

“I am, aren’t I? This is what I would have wanted before, isn’t it?” The man who wrote that letter would’ve done this, no questions asked. “I don’t belong here as I am.” He felt that more acutely than anything else.

\---

“It doesn't matter what you would have wanted if it isn't what you want now.” She was sure the Anders she knew would have done this, but didn't feel it was right to answer that question. “We can all adjust to who are are now. But we can't adjust to it if you drive yourself mad in Tevinter trying to find answers.”

\---

He sighed heavily. “I’m not going to go mad. If I can’t find answers, then I can’t find answers. If I can’t find answers, I just won’t come back.” He didn’t belong there and if that remained true, then he would stay away. If he found the answer he was looking for, he would come back and everything could go back to how it was supposed to be.

\---

“You said you would come back. We need you, whichever version of you we can get.” Part of her insistence on going with him was to ensure he came back. “If there aren't answers to find, we'll just come home and move on.”

\---

He decided not to argue, since there was no point in it. He didn’t know what was going to happen in Tevinter, so he would just have to see what came of it. He ought to get up and help them set up camp, but he didn’t feel up to it. Instead, he found himself dropping back, fixing his eyes back on the sky. It was wasting time to stay here, but it wasn’t as if he was really pressed for it anyway.

\---

When he didn’t say anything, Isabela decided to leave him to it. It was probably best he have some time to reflect on what he was about to do before the next morning anyway. She took the berries she’d collected back to camp and took a seat, letting the boys and Merrill finish up the work that remained.

\---

After camp was set up and there was a fire going, but Anders still hadn’t moved, footsteps had made their way over to them. There was a grunt as whoever it was sat by him and at that point, he knew that it was Varric. He didn’t say anything and the dwarf respected his silence for what had to be about a half an hour, before he finally broke it.

“You know, Blondie, I’ve been giving you time and space to work all this out, but I don’t want you going without knowing that you’ll be missed.” He hadn’t gone so long without seeing the mage since they’d clicked over stories of past adventures and if he was being completely honest with himself, he missed him. He missed both of them, really, but he thought that the warrior would be sticking around and that the mage would be gone… indefinitely. Indefinitely felt like a given when he wasn’t the same person he knew, but he didn’t want him completely gone.

He was willing to get to know him.

Anders turned his head to look at him, finding that the dwarf wasn’t looking at him. It seemed he was fixed on the river and knowing that, he looked back to the sky. “You guys sure like me better as I was.” He considered all of them his friends, with perhaps the exception of Merrill, but he had not been particularly close to any of them and yet all of them seemed so invested in him. Even Merrill.

“You’re our friend, of course we like you. Without you some of us might not even be here.” If not for his healing, there might not be all of them here to try and fetch him. “I’m not saying you have to stay, if you feel like this is what you have to do, but you should know that we’ll be waiting for you to come back. Just make sure when you do, you have some stories to tell.”

Again, Anders looked at him, his eyes lingering on his face, though the dwarf still was looking outward. It was clear that he didn’t want him to go, which was undoubtedly why he was here, but that he had his support meant a lot to him - he had always liked Varric. “Thanks, Varric. I’m sure I’ll have at least one.” If he came back, though with all of them here for him it was harder to tell himself that he might not.

“Why don’t you come by the fire? Sit with us for a bit?” If he was really going to go, he thought they should spend time with him. Talk about his plan, as Hawke suggested.

For a moment, the mage did nothing, but then he pushed himself up and offered a hand to the dwarf, helping to pull him up. They returned to the fire and spent the rest of the day talking to the others. It was a relief that the topic of Tevinter didn’t come up for some hours and even when did, with everything winding down, they were practical about it. As it grew late into the night, everyone settled down and Anders curled up near the fire. He’d had a long day of walking and with so many more ahead of him, he was in need of as much rest as he could get and he fell asleep within minutes of laying down.


	12. Chapter 12

It was in the small hours of the morning that Fenris caught sight of their camp. He was fully dressed at least, having stopped long enough to get his armor back on before he started the journey, but the front of his armor was smeared in dirt from the falls he’d taken to get this far. He used a thick stick to hold his weight, jabbing it forward into the dirt with each step and then dragging his body forward to meet it before starting the next step. His hands were raw and bloodied from the death grip he’d kept on it. He would have liked to have sped up the moment he saw the group up ahead, but he simply didn’t have a second wind within him. He just kept plodding forward, calling “Anders…” but his voice was no more than a hoarse whisper.

\---

Since Hawke and Isabela needed their rest and it felt wrong for Merril to stay up without having had any rest, Varric had taken first watch. He’d given it a few hours and then when he’d woken her to take over for him, he instructed her that he’d take the next watch as well, so that the rogues could continue to sleep, and as such, when the warrior caught up with them in the morning, he was the one that was awake.

He didn’t notice him immediately, but he was still a ways out when he caught sight of him. He’d straightened up from his slouch, making sure he was seeing what he thought he was, but the mop of white hair was unmistakable. “Scary?” he murmured to himself, before jumping up and starting towards him. When he got close enough to see the state he was in, he quickened his steps.

“Scary, what are you doing here?!”

\---

“Anders.” He croaked as the dwarf approached him, as if that answered everything. In a way, it did. He stopped, panting harshly and clutching the stick while he took the moment to rest. He was going to get to Anders, whether or not Varric would let him go forward. He would get there and he would convince him to stay or follow him the rest of the way to Tevinter.

\---

“You’re a mess,” he muttered aloud, reaching to take his arm to try and help support him. “You shouldn’t have come.” Even so, he was there, so he tried to help take him closer to the fire which he’d been nursing. He needed to sit down and rest. He needed more than that, really, but he didn’t want to wake the healer.

\---

He let him take his arm, knowing he’d get the rest of the way faster with a little more support. He trudged forward, distributing his weight between the stick and Varric as he dragged his heavy, all but useless feet the rest of the way to camp. As soon as they got close enough, he started to veer for the healer, having eyes for no one else. “Anders…”

\---

“No, no.” He gave him a firm tug away from him. “You can talk to him in the morning, I’ll help fix you up.” He pulled him to the opposite side of the fire, trying to get him to sit.

\---

Fenris made a weak sound of protest and when he tried to pull back away from Varric, he only managed to lose his balance. He was stumbling by the time they got to the other side of the fire and he more collapsed than sat down. “No, I have to talk to him. He’ll go without me in the morning.” He lamented, burying his face in his bloodied hands.

\---

“It’ll be okay, Scary. Calm down.” They’d filled up their skins with water from the river and so he opened his and tried to tug a hand down from his face so he could clean the blood off of it.

\---

He was too weak to protest so he left the rogue clean him off, his breathing coming in harsh pants. “It’s not okay. Nothing is okay. He’s going to Tevinter.”

\---

“He is, but it’s not going to be the disaster you think it is. He’s trying to fix whatever’s wrong with him.” After rinsing off his hands, he blotted them with a cloth that he pulled out of his pocket. Then he set the skin in his hand. “Take a drink.”

\---

The elf took a desperate drink, only managing to get a few swallows down before he choked. He handed the skin back, coughing and gasping. “You don’t know. None of you have any idea what he’s getting into.” He rasped when he had his breath back enough to speak.

\---

Anders, sensitive to the sound of coughing, began to rouse. For a moment he forgot where he was, thinking he was back in his clinic - his cot was just about as stiff as the ground - so it wasn’t until his eyes cracked open that he realized he was outside and why that was. The sound of the elf’s voice carried over to him and when it registered, his brows lifted and he rolled over to look across the fire at the pair of them.

“Fenris?”

\---

“Anders!” He immediately tried to stand up, but his legs had no strength and he dropped heavily to his knees. “Please don’t go. It’s okay if you don’t remember. Just please come home…” It wasn’t okay, but it was fair better than Anders running off to Tevinter.

\---

“Fenris, what are you doing here?” He sounded confused and agitated, pushing himself up and glancing around at everyone else. They hadn’t brought him with him, so how he was he here?

\---

“I can’t let you to Tevinter. If you won’t come home, I will go with you to keep you safe.” The chances of him successfully hiding himself for long were slim, but he would risk it. He would risk everything for him.

\---

He could see what a mess he was and he glanced at Varric, who held his hands up as if to say ‘don’t look at me’. He made his way over to them, spying the blood on his face and his wounded hands. “Will you stop trying to get yourself killed?” he demanded, grabbing his hand roughly and pulling it in so he could heal it. “I’m trying to fix it, you stupid elf. I’m trying to be who you want, isn’t that good enough for you?”

\---

“You are always good enough for me. I won’t risk losing you.” He tried to hold onto Anders, needing to cling to him now that he’d caught up to him. “Hate me if you need to, just don’t go to Tevinter. Please…”

\---

He pulled out of his grip after healing his hand and grabbed the other to do the same. “It’s not a big deal,” he was exasperated. “The big deal is you hurting yourself over me. You have to stop it, Fenris.” When he was done healing him, he pulled off his own water skin and rinsed his hands off a second time, his movements impatient and rough. “You’re not well, so while I’m gone will you take care of yourself? For me?”  The approach was worth a shot.

\---

“Yes, if I can stay with you. If you go, I go too. I have to be sure you’re safe.” He was so exhausted and he didn’t know how much farther he would be able to go before he’d need a long rest. But he’d do whatever it took.

\---

“I can take care of myself, I’m not helpless. Do you not trust me?” He was trying to work their relationship and his feelings in his favor. “I’m going to come back and everything will be like it was. I know you want that, so let me make it happen, okay?”

\---

“Of course I trust you. I don’t trust that place. You don’t know it like I do and I can help keep you safe.” He shook his head, so distraught. “I am going with you and we can fix this together.”

\---

“You’re in no state to go anywhere.” He pulled back from him, rising to his feet. “The others will take you back in the morning and you’ll stay there.” He’d tell them to make him stay, whatever they had to do, and at that point, it would be too late for him to come trailing after him.

\---

“I will not. I will be wherever you are. If you want me to leave you alone, fine. But I’ll be there to keep you safe.” He tried to rise to his feet as well, very slowly but with a little more success this time.

\---

Not knowing what to do, he moved up to the elf and grabbed him by his cheeks, holding them firmly so they were making eye contact. “Fenris, stop. Stop it, please. For me, just stop.”

\---

“I will never stop. I am yours.” Fenris didn’t know how to communicate this to him any more clearly. He moved a hand up to settled over one of Anders’. “I won’t bother you. I’ll just protect you.”

\---

“You can’t protect me.” He gave him a little shake by the cheeks, trying to get him to accept it. “If you wanted to protect me, you shouldn’t have poisoned and injured yourself.” He’d done this to himself and he was suffering the consequences from it. “I’ll be okay and when I come back, I’ll remember how to love you.”

\---

“You won’t.” He didn’t think he’d be okay. He didn’t think he would come back. He didn’t think he could remember how to love him. The only thing he could do was try to look after him and he knew he wasn’t even fit for that right now. Tears began to roll down his cheeks and in no time he broke down into sobs. All the commotion finally roused the blood mage and the exhausted rogues, all of them sitting up and frowning at the scene as if they weren’t sure just what they were seeing.

\---

“I will. I-... I want to.” Reading the letter had hurt him, had helped him finally understand what he’d lost. “You have to let me do this.” It was what he wanted, as much as it scared him, and Isabela was right, he needed to do this for himself. He was doing it for all of them, but the letter was what cemented his decision. Well, the elf’s reaction to the letter, but still, it was the letter that was fueling him.

\---

He was surprised to hear that, but he also wasn’t sure how much he could believe him right now. After a few beats, he nodded. He did have to let him do it. But not alone. “I won’t argue, you can go if that’s what you want. But I will be with you.”

\---

“You will be in danger. You being in danger will put me in danger.” He hadn’t let go of his cheeks, still holding him by them and demanding his attention, even though he had all of it. He wasn’t aware of anyone else. “If there is any chance for me to be happy with you, you have to be waiting for me to come back.”

\---

“I’ll stay hidden. I won’t put you in danger. I can’t just go home and wonder if you’ll ever come back. Wonder who you’ll be if you ever do come back.” He shook his head in Anders’ grasp, the tears rolling ceaselessly down his cheeks.

\---

“Fenris…” He clutched his cheeks painfully, as if he could get what he wanted by crushing him. “Please.” He didn’t have any more arguments to voice, he could only beg him to listen. His eyes dropped to his lips and, thinking that he could convince him that way, he leaned in and pressed them together. He didn’t particularly want to kiss him and there was something reluctant to it, their lips not meeting as naturally as they had before this, but he held onto it all the same.

\---

He was surprised by the kiss but melted right into it, even if it didn’t feel quite right. Lyrium flooded his skin and he kissed him desperately, as if somehow he could convince him to let him come along if he kissed him just the right way. He was completely mindless of the eyes on them and when Isabela opened her mouth to comment on the display, Hawke elbowed her to silence her.

\---

As it had every time before, the lyrium did a lot for him and it helped him to melt into the kiss. His hands relaxed on his cheeks, though there was something else to his grip. Something filled with need. What he meant to be a brief kiss turned to something else, unable to bring himself to break it.

\---

Fenris pulled him in close, pouring everything he had into him. Really, it was more energy than he realized he could muster. But it felt like his last chance to show him that this could work. That he should just come home and they could just try to make it work as he was now.

\---

His hands started to slide back from his cheeks, so his arms looped around his neck, pressing his weight into him even though he probably couldn’t take it. As he did so, his lips parted and he tried to slip his tongue into his mouth, wanting the source of lyrium that he could taste on his lips.

\---

Fenris couldn’t take his weight and started to sink down to his knees, though he clutched Anders to take him down with him. He welcomed the tongue into his mouth, breathing a soft sigh as he forgot everything outside of the mage clinging to him. Isabela was fixated on the scene but Hawke gestured down the trail to the others, suggesting they go for a walk and leave them alone for a bit.

\---

The kiss broke briefly as he adjusted to the change of position, but as soon as they were on the knees, he closed the distance between them once more. He pressed more weight into him, forcing him to continue back all the way to the ground. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was aware this was too much, but since he’d given into it, it was difficult not to be overwhelmed.

\---

Fenris was perfectly fine with letting Anders ease him to his back, gripping him by his robes to keep him close. He sucked softly on his lower lip, his fingers searching for the fastenings of his robes to untie them. The moment he did, he slipped his hands inside, digging his fingers desperately into the skin of his sides.

\---

His felt the robes loosening and as as the hands slipped in, he was arching closer to him. At the edge of his awareness, along with the knowledge that he shouldn’t be doing this, was the sound of footsteps moving further and further away. He had to break the kiss to pant and he turned his head toward them, seeing the retreating backs of the party.

He blinked, flushing, and then looked down at elf, his expression turning troubled. “You can’t do that, Fenris. It’s not fair.” The lyrium wasn’t fair and even becoming aware of its influence on him, he couldn’t quite bring himself to break away.

\---

That was true, it wasn’t fair at all. Fenris let the lyrium die out in his skin, panting softly as he looked up to him. “Then kiss me without it.” He insisted in a breathy whisper and leaned up to kiss him once more, not at all relinquishing his grip on him.

\---

His expression changed as the glow faded so that the only thing providing light was the moon and the waning fire. His mind cleared and he remembered the point of this, but before he could think beyond that, the lips were on his again. He made a sound, as if he didn’t want it, but with some thought he returned it, though there was something measured to it as he tried to pick up where he’d left off in starting this in the first place.

\---

He ran his fingers over his back, slipping his tongue back into Anders’ mouth and exploring it hungrily. He wanted Anders to want this so badly, especially without the lyrium, but he could feel the difference in the mage’s response. Though he’d initiated the original kiss, he didn’t feel the same desire from him now that he had moments before. It didn’t make his own kiss any less passionate though and he tried to show him just how much this meant to him.

\---

Anders couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in this position with someone, the last time he had when he wanted to be anyway, but without the lyrium, he could actually take it in. Not that the influence was completely gone - he still tasted incredible. He met his tongue tentatively, but it didn’t take much of that for him to be kissing him as hard. It just felt so good, almost entirely due to what the elf was pouring into it.

\---

It was a relief to feel him kissing him back this way and when his lips began to ache from the desperate kiss, it didn’t slow him down a bit. His hands tugged Anders’ robes impatiently off of his shoulders, wanting more access to his skin, and his hips pressed up into him. He wanted him so badly, but he’d settle just for every bit of him to be touching the mage for a moment.

\---

As his robes fell, exposing freckled shoulders, he shrugged the fabric down. He didn’t really want to be undressed, but it was becoming less of a concern as the hands touched him, having gone so long without fingers on him. He’d gone so long without so much and the elf was the only one offering it to him. The only one that wanted him.  He felt the hips pressing into his and in spite of himself, his body reacted to the contact, cock twitching.

\---

“Anders…” He murmured against his lips, his hands pushing the robs down lower when he was granted the access to his torso. With it out of his way, his hands took full advantage, caressing over his arms, his shoulders, then down his spine and up his sides. He couldn’t get enough of touching him while he had the chance to do it. When his hips seemed welcome, he began to roll them slowly into Anders, dragging his teeth lightly over his lower lip as the friction of their hips heated the kiss.

\---

Still in spite of himself, he began to rock himself into his rolling hips, making a muffled sound that might have been an attempt at speech, but ended up being nothing at all. He was reactive to the hands, finding that he didn’t need the lyrium to make him shiver and yearn. It helped certainly, but he needed to be touched badly. No matter what they told him, to him it felt like he’d gone so long alone - he’d never been good at alone.

\---

He knew just how to touch Anders to get him going. Though that also felt like cheating, now that he had him wound up, he didn’t hold back. His hands roamed him without tiring of the skin they explored, pushing his robes further down each time they came near the fabric. The rocking got him hard in no time, his cock pressing needily into him as he kept up the grinding, his kiss becoming more and more ravenous.

\---

It wasn’t fair, but he didn’t notice. He didn’t notice that he was doing everything right, everything that made him want the robes to fall completely. Slowly but surely, his concerns peeled away, one after another, until all that was left was raw need. Raw need that made his fingers start to dig at his waistband, trying to pull his cock free.

\---

The elf was all too eager to feel the hand start to pull at his waistband. He broke the kiss, panting softly for air, and helped the other tug the waist of his pants down, letting his rigid cock spring free of the confining fabric. Rather than fall back into kissing him, his lips found their way to the healer’s neck, a place he knew he especially liked, and he began to suck at the flesh there, wanting to mark him as he hadn’t in what felt like ages.

\---

His fingers found him as soon as he was free, wrapping around him, the feel of him making him groan under his breath. Too long. He began to stroke him, his fingers unpracticed with this particular lover, but knowing what to do to please a man. He grew all the more eager in his work when the lips found that spot in his neck, his pulse thrumming so hard that the need in his own cock felt painful.

His free hand began to gather his robes, pulling them up from the bottom to meet with the top of them at his waist.

\---

It was so good to feel the fingers around him again and he groaned softly, rocking his hips needily into the touch. When he felt the robes hike up enough, his hand wasted no time seeking him. He’d missed his cock and it was so good to hold him again. He stroked him with instinctive expertise, knowing exactly where to squeeze him and where to rub his thumb to get the best reactions.

\---

He moaned, head tipping back and fingers squeezing his cock firmly. Too firmly, likely, but he was soon sitting up, looking down at the elf with a sort of conflicted lust, seeing him and wanting him. He shifted up his hips, having to let go of him to do so, but he grabbed him again from behind, pressing him against his ass.

\---

Fenris pressed his hips up eagerly, begging him to slip him inside with his insistent pressure. He closed his eyes, groaning and continuing to work him with his hand, waiting for their bodies to be connected in a way that he missed so fiercely.

\---

He could feel what he wanted and he wanted it too, so without anything to ease him in, he positioned him and began to sink down. It made him hiss, his body stretched by dry flesh, but the hand on his cock was a good distraction and soon he was seated on his hips.

He continued to look down at him, this elf he’d only known hate for. This elf that’d only known love for him. He set his hands his chest to brace himself, starting to ride him, but as soon as he got into it, his hands slowly slid up his neck, fingers wrapping around it. Not choking him, but squeezing as he watched him.

—

He gasped as Anders sank down onto him, the heat of his body and stretch of his muscles intoxicating. His hips rocked up to meet the riding and he moaned deeply, completely caught up in pleasure. His hand stuttered a little in its stroking when the fingers squeezed his throat and his eyes opened to look up at him. Though he knew Anders may very well choose to choke him, there was only warmth and trust in his eyes behind the sharp lust..

\---

Seeing the look he got in return, he remained as he was. Not choking, but squeezing. It gave him a feeling of power over him, though if he thought about it, he’d realize that all he had was power over him. The elf was his, wanted or not, and he would do whatever he asked.

Almost whatever, in any case.

He rode him harder. If there was any increased pressure on his throat, it was from him having to brace himself, dropping onto him with sounds that he kept under his breath. In his hand, his cock was throbbing hard, a pearl bead gathering at the tip of it.

—

The pressure on his throat made it hard to breathe, which helped to stifle his own sounds but left him gasping hard when he could get enough air. He was so exhausted and he knew he couldn’t keep this up long, but blind need kept his hips pounding up into Anders. When he felt the bead of fluid on Anders’ cock, his thumb swept over it, using it for a bit of lubricant as he worked him.

\---

When it came to the point that the pleasure was taking all of his attention, he tipped his head back, causing his fingers to lighten. The hand was doing wicked things to him and it made the burn of their joined bodies feel all the better. The night air was cool and his bared skin was growing increasingly cold, but he didn’t notice, so caught up in taking everything he could get from him. The pace turned increasingly desperate, his knees aching on the hard ground (another discomfort that he was blind to), and as he became too breathless to make any sounds at all, his entire body went taut, his release spilling all over the elf’s hand and armor.

\---

Fenris wasn’t sure which he had been closer to, his climax or his muscles giving out, when the mage’s release gripped him. It spurred him into a few more rapid bucks, gasping as he spilled and pumped all of his seed up into Anders. His body went lax as soon as he had finished, his chest heaving for air, but he tugged weakly at Anders in an attempt to pull him down over himself.

\---

He was panting for air, though not nearly as harshly as the elf, and when his head tipped back down, his eyes opened to find him once more. He felt the tug and he resisted it for a beat, then slowly leaned down over him, his forearms pressing to the ground on either side of him.

“...I’ll come back,” he murmured to him, this time meaning it in a way that he hadn’t before. Not as certainly.

\---

Those were the very last words he wanted to hear. For a moment, Fenris didn’t react, as if he hadn’t understood what he said. Then he laughed, the sound husky and raw, though it ended in a sound closer to a sob, fresh tears stinging at his eyes. “Stay.” He insisted, his tone desperate. “Just stay with me. We can be happy.”

\---

His was watching his face closely and for the first time since this started, his own broke a little. “Not as happy as if I remember you,” he insisted softly, trying to feel the love he was supposed to have. It just wasn’t there. “I don’t want to remember you the way that I do. I want to feel like the man in that letter.”

\---

“Then let me win you over again. Let me show you why the man that wrote the letter was so happy.” He leaned up enough to steal a kiss, but it was brief as he quickly collapsed back down. “Just stay with me.”

\---

“Is that what you would do? If you didn’t remember me? You wouldn’t try? You’d just… start over?” How could he want that? Why didn’t he want him back? All of the memories and all of the emotions?

\---

“I’d try. I’d try living the way we had and hope it would come back. I wouldn’t risk Tevinter for a hope there would be an answer there.” He swallowed hard. “But if you insist, I’m going with you. Either way, I won’t leave you.”

\---

“I’m not the man you want, Fenris.” He couldn’t believe any of these words were leaving his mouth, but here they were. “What if I never remember? What if I’m so different that your feelings change?” What if he realized that he didn’t want him like this?

\---

“You are Anders, even if you’re not the Anders who loves me. You may never remember, but I don’t think going to Tevinter could possibly change that. I love you. Just let me try to change your mind.” He stroked a hand over his side, desperate to touch him with what little energy he had. “I’ll be so good to you. And if we try and you still don’t want me...then we can go to Tevinter together.”

\---

He took in a deep breath, saying nothing. For once, he wasn’t arguing with him, but he didn’t look convinced. That he was pausing long enough to consider what he was saying was a vast improvement to wanting to shove him into a crate and make him stay there in Kirkwall until he got back, but he wasn’t agreeing.

\---

“Let me show you how things were. How I lived with the man who wrote that letter. Let me try to win your heart and make you feel the way that man felt.” He urged, encouraged that Anders hadn’t argued. “If you don’t like it, we’ll go.”

\---

With some hesitation, he leaned down and pressed a tentative kiss to his lips. A brief thing, testing how it felt when he was doing it for himself, rather than for the elf. There was a furrow on his brow from the moment he decided to try and it deepened as he pulled back. It was clear he was thinking hard, but in doing so was still neglecting to give him an answer.

\---

The elf had kissed him back tenderly for the duration of it and when it broke, he looked up to him, his eyes imploring him. “It doesn’t feel so bad, does it? Decent enough to give it a try? We can always go to Tevinter later if this doesn’t work for you…” Tevinter wasn’t going anywhere, unfortunately, so that option would always be open.

\---

He wanted to remember him. It didn’t feel like what he was offering would be enough, but it didn’t seem like he was ever going to be able to convince him to stay behind. Even in his ‘worst case scenario’, he was still insisting on going with him. “...Okay.” He didn’t want to go back, but he didn’t feel like he had much choice.

\---

“I’ll do everything I can to make you happy.” He assured him when he got his answer and he found another little reserve of energy to lean up and peck his lips again. “I’ll try to make it just like we used to be.”

\---

He didn’t react to the kiss and, after a while, changed the subject entirely. “I’m cold.” He leaned back up, drawing up his robes to cover his chest and arms, while lifting himself up with a bite to the lip so his robes could fall down his thighs. He shifted off of him, leaving the elf laying on the ground, exposed.

\---

Fenris watched him, realizing after being left alone for a few moments that he had also gotten rather cold. It was all he could do to pull his pants back up enough to make him decent, then he fell still again. He was far too tired to move, but he also refused to get too comfortable and risk falling asleep, so he simply watched the healer to see what he would do.

\---

There was still a little blood smeared on his face from when he’d buried it earlier, so deciding to spare him that, he grabbed the cloth that Varric had been using to clean his hands and wet it with fresh water to give his cheeks a wipe. “What are the odds they just started back to Kirkwall?” He didn’t really want to face them, not after all this and especially not after the way they’d had to go off in the middle of them making out to give them privacy.

\---

“Slim to none. I'm surprised they're not back already.” He closed his eyes briefly, murmuring a thanks to him as the cloth soothed away the dried blood.

\---

“I wish they would, but I suppose I do need them to drag you back.” The elf was in no state to travel, he hadn’t been wrong about that. He demeanor was quiet and somber, wringing out the cloth and setting it aside to dry with deliberant movements. “I suppose it’ll be right back to the clinic so I can take care of you.” The elf had done his body no favors and he would need to recover from this.

\---

“I can go home if you need space.” He offered, his voice low. “I dragged myself this far. I'm sure I could drag myself around for water.”

\---

It wasn’t particularly conducive to letting him ‘win his heart’, but he did need space. Though he agreed, he was upset that the plan he’d poured his resolve to was being brushed aside. Not permanently, which was why he’d agreed at all, but he’d wanted to go. He still wanted to go. “We’ll see,” he told him, not committing to the idea.

—

Fenris was quiet, hoping that he would in fact go back to the clinic with the healer. He just wanted to keep Anders from feeling trapped and he would recover on his own if that was what he really needed. It wasn’t long before the others returned, Hawke looking uneasy, but Isabela looking quite pleased. “So...are we going back to bed for now?” She asked, doubting any of them wanted to get back to walking before dawn, but also doubting anyone would really get back to sleep.

\---

Anders glanced over at them when they returned, but he was embarrassed and quickly looked away. “Go ahead, I’ll keep watch.” He wasn’t going to be able to sleep and, with that in mind, he went to grab the blanket he’d fallen asleep with and he brought it over to the elf, throwing it over him. It was done somewhat haphazardly, as if reluctant to show care or concern for him, then he went to stoke the fire so everyone would remain warm.

“You sure about that? I was keeping watch before Scary showed up.”

As with the first time he’d heard Varric call him ‘Scary’, there was a delay before he understood who he was talking about. He didn’t know why he called him that - well, the elf was scary, but what had happened to ‘Broody’? - and he hadn’t gotten around to asking.

\---

“I can take watch. I got a fair amount of beauty sleep before Fenris had to come turn up the heat in camp.” Isabela fanned herself with her hand lightly and smirked. “I don’t care who takes watch as long as I can get a couple more hours of shut eye before we leave.” Hawke mumbled, still sounding terribly exhausted as he eased back down where he’d been sleeping before. Merrill watched the other elf on the ground thoughtfully as he curled up with Anders’ blanket, staying silent.

\---

“Then I’ll keep you company.” He didn’t want to argue about watch, so he’d stay up with her. When he finished with the fire, it was burning much hotter and it would be enough to last a while before he had to fuss with it again. He sat back, though stayed close enough to remain toasty, his eyes losing focus in the flames.

\---

There didn’t seem to be any more argument as Isabela made herself comfortable near Anders and Merrill laid back down. Hawke was snoring softly by the time Isabela got finished warming her hands by the fire. Fenris was clearly fighting sleep, shifting and working to keep his eyes open, but it appeared to be a fight he was losing.

\---

His body still ached from their coupling and if he weren’t already warm, heat might’ve seeped into his skin at the thought. He’d fucked Fenris… out in the middle of the open… with his companions nearby. At least they hadn’t been nearby enough to see anything - for all they knew it had been heated kissing and nothing else. He grabbed one of the sticks meant for the flames and began to pick at it absently, caught up in his thoughts.

\---

“So…” Isabela began after all had been quiet in the camp for awhile. Even Fenris had stopped stirring, though she would have loved to make him blush. “How was it? Did it spark any memories or was it really like fucking him for the first time again?”

\---

His skin did heat at that, but it wasn’t especially obvious. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he denied, assuming, or hoping, that she was making assumptions of her own. “Nothing happened.”

\---

“Oh please. Did you think I wouldn’t notice the cum all over your elfy?” It was dark and she hadn’t exactly seen more than a suggestion of it in the firelight. But she knew the smell. “Come on, how was it? Good? Bad? Mediocre?”

\---

He tossed the stick into the fire and looked at her, a frown on his lips. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I think you’re imagining things.” He was a bit mortified, knowing that she absolutely knew what she was talking about, but he didn’t want to talk about it, especially not with her.

\---

“It must not have been that good if you don’t want to talk about it. Pity. The sex you used to tell me about was pretty hot.” Not that she had gotten him to share often, but if she caught him in the right mood, he might divulge some details to her.

\---

He gave her a strange look at that. “I told you about my sex life?” Honestly, it wasn’t the most shocking thing in the world. Now-a-days, it seemed strange to him, but when he’d met her and she’d been a part of his sex life, he’d been much freer in what he did, with who, and he would’ve talked about it with just about anyone who was interested.

\---

“Oh yes.” She smiled wickedly. “Not all the time, but sometimes you’d tell me. Positions you’d use, games you’d play. That thing he does with the lyrium while he’s sucking you that you really liked.” She sighed wistfully. “I just wondered if tonight was as good as any of that.”

\---

He blinked. The thing with lyrium while sucking him? What did that mean? He really didn’t understand his lyrium beyond ‘it feels good’ and he was trying to picture how that would work. “Games?” He’d played games with the dour elf? In bed? He couldn’t even imagine, though the whole ‘in bed’ part was easier to picture having just had him.

\---

“Games. You two liked to roleplay sometimes.” She fanned herself again, as if the whole discussion was overheating her. “I guess you’ll have to find out for yourself if you decide he’s good for another few lays.” If he brought himself to sleep with Fenris again, she doubted it would only happen just a few times.

\---

“You’re fucking with me,” he declared, as if what she was saying was ridiculous. “Honestly, Isabela, you get so caught up in your fantasies, sometime you should just try to take in some reality.” He leaned back onto his hands, letting them take his weight as he slouched into them.

\---

“I rarely pass up an opportunity to fuck with you.” She looked to him, her eyes unusually earnest despite her smirk. “But I’m preparing to go to Tevinter with you so you can remember all of this. I wouldn’t give you false information for a laugh.”

\---

He tucked his chin, unwilling to admit that he wasn’t going. He knew he couldn’t change his mind and slip away while the elf was sleeping, tempting as it was, he’d have to see this compromise through. He’d tell her in the morning, when his return to Kirkwall was inevitable.

“Well, maybe if we ever have sex, I’ll find out for myself.” Now he was denying it happened out of sheer stubbornness.

—

She snorted at that, but didn't argue with him any further. “Is he coming with us? We'll have have to find some way to pull him behind us, I'm not carrying him all the way to Tevinter.”

\---

He sighed, regretting not arguing about watch. If she was asleep, he wouldn’t be suffering this conversation. “No,” was all he said on the matter.

 

“Pity. I was hoping for a free show while you ‘find out for yourself’.” She stretched and eased back to lie down, looking up at the stars.

\---

In spite of himself, he gave a soft chuckle at her crassness. “I’m not sure Hawke would be favorable to that.”

—

“He wouldn't be favorable if I jumped in, sadly. But if it just happens to be in my vicinity and I just happen to see you pounding the brains out of your elf,  I can't be faulted.” She smirked and tucked her hands behind her head.

\---

He cringed at that, falling back into silence. He leaned forward, pulling his hands from the ground and slouching the opposite way. Rather then pick at his robes, as usual, he busied his hands by playing with magic, letting bolts of electricity jump between his fingers.

—

Isabela was amused, but kept her silence. She closed her eyes, though her ears were attentive to anything going on around them. She could rest a little more before dawn, especially since she doubted the healer would. She could only hope he'd go to the elf for round two so she could get a peek this time.


End file.
